“I’ve always been an admirer… from afar,” Johnny confessed. “I’m a friend of Marge’s,” he explained.
“Well, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine,” said Scarlett, and turned so she could carry on the conversation the way it should be carried on. It also caused that same vertiginous cleavage to shift and quiver like a blancmange, and I could see from the throbbing vein on Johnny’s temple and the slight coloring of his cheeks that the effect was both immediate and devastating.
“Oh, look, Brutus,” said Harriet with a little sigh. “It’s love.”
“Lust, you mean,” Brutus grunted.
“What are you talking about?” asked Dooley with interest.
“Nothing, Dooley,” said Harriet. “I was speaking in general.”
“Oh, all right,” said my friend, and the interaction drew a smile from yours truly.
“So what have you been up to?” asked Marge.
“This and that,” said Jerry. “Say, is it true that a certain famous diamond was found on the beach yesterday?”
“And what’s it to you?” asked Uncle Alec, his voice completely devoid of the warmth his sister had effected in hers.
“Just curious, Chief,” said Jerry. “As a member of this fine community I feel it’s important to stay up to date on what’s going on.”
“Of course you do,” said the police chief, and didn’t hide the skeptical note in his voice.
“So I couldn’t help but notice how you dropped by Gems World this afternoon,” Jerry continued, now addressing Odelia.
“You did?” said Odelia, sounding surprised. “I didn’t see you.”
“Well, I saw you,” Jerry said with a little grin. “So did your visit have anything to do with the Pink Lady by any chance?”
“Don’t answer that, babe,” Chase grunted, then turned to take in the reformed crook. “What are you playing at, Vale? Why the sudden interest in the Pink Lady?”
“Cool your jets, detective,” said Jerry. “Like I said, I’m just expressing a natural interest in the goings-on in my own town.”
“Yeah, right,” Chase said.
Jerry directed himself at Marge again.“So where is the stone now?”
“That’s none of your business,” said Uncle Alec.
Jerry’s eyes narrowed into slits. “I sense a lot of hostility, Chief, and I can tell you right off the bat that this is both uncalled for and frankly a little disappointing.” He spread his arms. “We’re all friends here—and is this the way to treat a friend? Eh?”
“Friends don’t break into banks and steal stuff,” Uncle Alec pointed out.
“Cross my heart, those days are behind me, Chief,” said Jerry, now exuding earnestness, which didn’t really become him. “So where is the stone now, Marge? Safe and sound at Gems World?”
“I’m sorry, Jerry,” said Marge. “But I have no idea where the Pink Lady is right now.”
“And even if she knew, she wouldn’t tell you,” said Marge’s husband. Tex’s face was flushed, and Dooley’s words about the man’s drinking habits now returned to me.
“He’s drunk, Max,” Dooley whispered in my ear. “He’s hiding it well, just like a true alcoholic, but he’s completely wasted.”
“I’m afraid you’re right, Dooley,” I said with a frown.
I mean, I’m not my humans’ keeper, but the Pooles are all very near and dear to me, and it frankly pained me to see Tex in his current state of obvious inebriation.
“I’m telling you, he’s going to take out someone’s kidneys one of these days,” said Brutus, “and that person won’t be happy.”
“If he took out a person’s kidneys that person would be dead, Brutus,” I said. “So they wouldn’t be able to complain.”
“Well, let’s hope so, cause if they do complain, Tex will lose his license, and then what? He’ll have to get a job selling typewriters door to door.”
“Do people still use typewriters?” asked Dooley.
“I doubt it,” I said.
“So let’s just make sure Tex doesn’t lose his license, then,” said Brutus, with a sense of logic I found hard to dispute.
“Here we go,” said Harriet when suddenly Fido Siniawski walked onto the stage and a hush descended upon the room.
Everyone turned to face the front. The show had begun.
14
“He looks nervous,” Dooley remarked, in reference to everyone’s formerly favorite hairstylist.
And indeed Fido did look nervous—in fact he looked terrified.
“Someone once said that the number one fear for humans, even more than the fear of death, is the fear of speaking in public,” Harriet said.
“Is that so?” I said.
“Yeah, apparently the thought of having to talk to an audience is terrifying for most people.” She shrugged. “Don’t ask me why. Just another one of those human foibles, I guess.”
Harriet didn’t have any fear of speaking in front of an audience. In fact the opposite was true: it was impossible to drag her off a stage whenever she had the opportunity to mount it.
“So where is Buster?” asked Brutus, glancing around.
And as if summoned by the mention of his name, suddenly Buster made a beeline for us, and took up position next to Brutus. He was panting slightly.“Sorry I’m late, you guys,” he said. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Fido hasn’t started yet.”
And judging from the fact that the hairdresser still stood there, looking like a deer in the headlights, and not a single word had rolled from his lips yet, I had the impression he’d never get going.
“Tell us about your flat earth!” suddenly a voice called out from the crowd.
“Yes, yes,” said Fido, his voice sounding awkward and squeaky. “Thank you, Jack. As we all know, people have been told that the earth is round.”
“That’s because it is, you muppet!” another voice called out.
“Ha ha, thank you, Fred!” said Fido. “But now the latest scientific research has proved that this common theory is all wrong. All wrong!” he said, shifting into higher gear as he drew strength from his own convictions. “And tonight I’m going to prove this to you.”
“Oh, don’t bother,” another heckler called out, but immediately was shushed by several of the people sitting in his vicinity.
“Let the man speak!” Charlene Butterwick said, raising her voice. “I might not agree with what he has to say,” she explained in a softer tone of voice, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect his right to say it.”
“Of course, sweetheart,” said her boyfriend, the police chief, who was apparently still ruminating on Jerry Vale’s words, judging from the annoyed glances he kept darting over his shoulder in the latter’s direction. Jerry, of course, pointedly ignored the Chief’s glances. If you’ve beenoperating on the wrong side of the law all your life, cops are like flies: annoying but essentially harmless.
“Look, I know what you’re all thinking,” Fido continued. “And I have to tell you that when I first learned of this theory, I was a little skeptical myself. But my own research on the internet has proven that we’ve all been lied to! The earth isn’t round. The earth is in fact a flat disk, just like all the other disks that surround us. Like the sun, which is also a flat disk, and the moon, and in fact all the planets. So we need to ask ourselves: why the lies? And the simple answer is: because most people aren’t ready for the truth. But the fact that you’re all here tells me that you are—and that makes me very happy!”
“So what’s the truth, Fido!” someone yelled.
“Well, the truth is…” Fido had walked over to a flip chart which he’d set up, and now flipped over the first page to reveal a large disk crudely drawn with a magic marker, dangling from a string. It looked like one of those UFOs from a sci-fi movie from the sixties, where the UFOs were plastic disks dangling from clearly visible iron wires. “This is the planet we’re living on,” Fido explained as he pointed to the disk. “And this…” He drew a square around the disk. “Is our corner of the universe.” He proceeded to draw other squares next to the first one, and in each square he drew another disk. “That’s right. We’re not alone in the universe, folks. In fact we’re all part of a gigantic network of connected disks…” He flipped over the page, and now a maze of cubicles became visible, and in each cubicle a disk was hanging, suspended from a wire. “This is the matrix,” said Fido, “and we’re all part of it.” He flipped over another page, and the maze had grown and now looked like a beehive, with hundreds of tiny cubicles with hundreds of disks inside them. “This is the universe,” he said. “This is what we are. Bees!”