“Oh, yes. She was clean as a whistle, was old Mrs. Ross. Why, Betsy never even signed a petition for a second front back in the forties.”
“Her name was Betsy Ross?”
“Yes. Quite a coincidence, isn’t it? The Flag Sewers’ Guild is one of those mother-daughter unions, you know. The Ross ladies have been at it for generations.”
“Very interesting,” another member of the board piped up. “And just how long have you been employed in this vital industry, Mr. Hosenpfeffer?”
“Six years now. Before I was promoted to Star Counter, I was a Stripe Checker.”
“A Stripe Checker? What are the duties of a Stripe Checker?” The chairman was curious.
“To make sure that the red and the white stripes come out right, sir,” Balzac explained. “Many people don’t realize it, but this is very important if the American flag is to maintain its authenticity. The top and bottom stripes must always be red, and in between there must always be alternating white and red stripes. There are thirteen stripes in all, six white, seven red.”
“Do you mean that there is more red than white?” the chairman demanded.
“Yes, sir. There’s one more red stripe. It’s traditional.”
“I don’t care if it is!” The chairman was indignant. “I’m going to write my congressman about that! If you ask me, somewhere along the line there’s been some sort of infiltration! Someone sneaked an extra red in!”
“Oh, no, sir.” Balzac objected respectfully. “You see, originally, there were thirteen colonies, and that’s why there are thirteen stripes.”
“Are you insinuating that more than half of the original thirteen colonies were Red-dominated?” the Chairman asked, his voice quivering.
“Never, sir. Not at all! Of course not! I’d never-—”
“Then why are there seven red stripes and only six white stripes? I’ll tell you how! Because somehow those sneaky Commie bastards managed to sneak in an extra stripe! That’s how! And I intend to see that a full-scale investigation is held!”
“You’re aboslutely right, sir,” Balzac agreed hastily. “And you can depend on me to testify if I’m needed.”
“Good. That’s a good sign of your loyalty. I’ll remember that. Now, suppose we get down to what brings you here, Mr. Hosenpfeifer.” The chairman glanced briefly around. “I’m sure my fellow board members are wondering just what your problem is.”
“Yes, sir. Well, it’s not easy for me to say. It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“You may speak freely, Mr. Hosenpfeffer. Confidences told to your draft board are sacrosanct. Just look upon us as you would your family doctor.”
“I could never tell my family doctor what I’m about to tell you.” Balzac hung his head. '
“Why not?”
“He voted for Goldwater. He froths at the mouth if fluoridation is so much as mentioned. If he knew what I’ve done, he’d probably lead the mob to lynch me.”
“Come, come, my boy. It can’t be as terrible as all that.” A look of kindness and understanding spread over the face of the chairman of the draft board. “Surely you can tell us.”
“I want to, but I just can’t.” Balzac was close to tears.
“Young lady.” The chairman turned to Penny. “Perhaps you can shed some light on what is troubling this lad.”
“Yes, I can,” Penny replied. “He’s burnt his draft card.”
A shocked silence fell over the room. Six pairs of eyes filled with loathing were turned on Balzac Hosenpfeffer. Six mouths were stopped up with contemptuous rage. Six chests heaved with the effort of control in the face of blatant desecration.
Finally the chairman found his voice. “And you a Star Counter!” It was all he could bring himself to say.
“But it was an accident,” Balzac burst out frantically.
“A likely story.” The chairman shook his head sadly.
With the precision of a Rockette chorus line, the other five heads wagged along with his.
“Wait!” Penny said. “It really was an accident. That’s why I’m here. To vouch for the fact that he didn’t mean to do it. You see, it all started when I was waiting for the bus to take me to the lab, and—”
“Lab?” The chairman’s head shot up. “What lab? A government lab? What were you bringing there? More important, what were you getting? Just what sort of courier are you? The truth now! Who paid you to do this? How did you get security clearance?”
“I don’t have security clearance.” Penny tried desperately to explain. “But—”
“You don’t have security clearance? Then just how did you gain access to a government laboratory? Gentlemen,” the chairman turned to his fellow board members, “I think perhaps that this is a case for the FBI. Draft-card burning. Infiltrating classified premises. Top secret, no doubt. There’s definitely more here than meets the eye.”
There were murmurs of strong agreement from the other members of the board.
“Wait!” Penny tried again. “You don’t understand. It wasn’t a government laboratory.”
“How do we know that?” the chairman demanded frostily. “We have only your word for it.”
“I can prove it.” Penny dug frantically into her pocket-book. “Here. Here’s the receipt from the lab. This should prove it has nothing to do with the government.”
“Watch out, George! It could be a forgery!” one of the draft-board members cautioned the chairman as he accepted the slip of paper from Penny.
“Don’t worry. It will be checked out thoroughly,” the chairman assured him grimly. “Go on with your story, young lady,” he told Penny.
“Yes. Well, I was standing and waiting for the bus with this brown paper bag in my hand—-”
“What was in the bag?”
Blushingly, Penny told them.
“I see. Continue.” The chairman’s tone was still very suspicious.
“Well, this young man wanted to know what was in the bag, and—”
“I should think so!” one of the members interrupted. “You never can tell what people are carrying around these days. Why, it could have been a bomb. For all anybody knew, you might have been planning to blow up a Fifth Avenue bus!”
“Why should I want to blow up a bus?” Penny was bewildered.
“How do I know? Why should anybody want to blow up a passenger plane? I don’t know. But it’s being done all the time.”
“They do that for the insurance,” Penny pointed out.
“And don’t you carry insurance?”
“Of course. But-—”
“Then there you are. I rest my case.”
“And you may have an important point there,” the chairman told him. “We’ll certainly keep it in mind. But for now, I fear we digress. Let’s hear the young lady out, regardless of our personal feeling about this loathsome situation, shall we?”
“All right.” Penny picked up the thread of her story. “Anyway, the bag was leaking, and Mr. Hosenpfeffer called my attention to it. Actually, I suppose he was flirting with me.”
“Well, that’s none of our business,” the chairman pointed out.
“Certainly not. Certainly not.” The board chimed agreement.
“Yes,” Penny went on stubbornly. “Anyway, he began trying to guess what it was that was leaking from the bag, and he guessed wrong, and then the bus carne along, and just before it pulled out, I told him what it was, and the last I saw of him he was spitting.”
“Spitting! Spitting where?” the chairman demanded.
“On the sidewalk,” Penny told him.
“On the sidewalk!”
“On Fifth Avenue!”
“Disgraceful !”
“Contemptible !”
“A desecration!”
“Gentlemen! Gentlemen!” The chairman rapped for order. “I’m as shocked and repelled by this revelation as any of you. But let’s maintain some decorum. Now, young man!” He turned to Balzac with a look of loathing. “Is it true that you expectorated on a Fifth Avenue sidewalk?”