“Say, Harry.” Another doctor stuck his head in the cubicle. “Are you free for bridge tonight?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to check with Madge.”
“Okay. Do that. Irene said to ask you over. But no playing husband-and-wife partners this time. I had a helluva time setting Madge’s jaw that night she trumped your ace.”
“She had it coming.”
“Yeah. I guess so. Well, check back with me later, Harry, so I can let Irene know.”
“Will do.” The doctor turned his attention back to Penny. “Why is your face turning purple like that?” he asked. “Why aren’t you breathing?” He was getting a little worried. “What’s the matter with you?” He poked a finger into Penny’s solar plexus.
Her breath came out with a loud whoosh. “You said to hold my breath,” she explained. “And so I was holding my breath.”
“And so I was holding my breath, sir!” he rebuked her. “Don’t forget the ‘Sir.’ And I don’t remember telling you to let your breath out, either. You’ve got to learn to follow orders if you want to be in this man’s army, son.”
“I don’t want to be in the army,” Penny told him.
“That’s the trouble with you damn kids today. Soft and flabby! No respect! Let your hair grow like faggots! Don’t want to serve your country! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Go on, get out of here. You pass. Get out before I really lose my temper!”
Penny scurried out of the cubicle. She joined the line of men at the far end of the passageway. A moment later they were led into yet another small room and lined up with their backs to the wall.
“Drop you towels!” The doctor who issued the order was extremely short. As he approached the beginning of the line he looked like Toulouse-Lautrec playing marbles. “Short arm inspection! Drop your towels!” he repeated.
A few moments later he reached Penny. Staring straight ahead, his forehead furrowed. “What’s this?” he exclaimed. “Something missing here!”
“I know,” Penny said. “I’ve been trying to—”
“Silence! I didn’t give you permission to speak! Sergeant!” the pint-sized doctor’s voice thundered out.
“Yes, sir?”
“How am I supposed to conduct a short arm inspection when there’s nothing to inspect?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“Just like the army! Damned inefficiency! The military mind is always so busy with logistics that it overlooks the simplest details. Now, Sergeant, there’s altogether too much carelessness around here. Misplacing forceps and cotton swabs is one thing, but losing something like this is ridiculous. Think now, Sergeant! Where is it?”
“Sorry, sir, but I really don’t know. I don’t think this man had it with him when he came in here.”
“That sounds pretty unlikely, Sergeant. I mean, after all, where would he leave it?”
“I don’t know, sir. All I know is that some of these people will go to ridiculous extremes to avoid the draft. They’re very cunning that way, sir.”
“Do you mean he might have deliberately cut it off to stay out of the service?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Incredible! I never would have thought a man would go to such extremes. And,” the doctor whined, “it certainly complicates my job. Just what the devil am I supposed to write on his form?”
“Why don’t you just write that I’m unfit for military service?” Penny suggested hesitantly.
“I don’t evaluate,” the doctor told her frostily. “Your fitness is figured on a point system. It is not my job to add up the points. All I do is rate you in the category to which I am assigned.”
“Then just rate me zero.”
“I can’t do that. I never rate anybody zero. And besides, it doesn’t apply. There are no signs of vermin in the pubic area. It would be dishonest to dock you points for that. I shall simply give you a rating of five and leave the rest to those who do the evaluating.”
“How many points do I have to lose before I’m rated ineligible?” Penny wanted to know.
“That is a carefully guarded secret.”
“Do you mean they might take me even though I’m missing a—”
“Possibly. Possibly. After all, it isn’t as though you had VD, or anything like that. But I don’t evaluate.” The little doctor marked her card and stamped it. “Move on now,” he told Penny.
Penny moved along with the others through a door labeled EYE-EAR-NOSE-THROAT. Here, one by one, they were seated in a large chair. Simultaneously, four doctors checked them over. With precise timing, instruments and lights were focused on their eyes, their ears, their noses, and their throats. Sometimes, unfortunately, the timing was just a bit off, and then the examination tended to develop into a sort of tug-of-war. Now Penny watched as this happened to the man in front of her.
“Ouch!” he yelled. “You’re tearing my nostrils!”
“Quit pulling!” The eye doctor backed up the subject’s complaint. “You’re making his pupils bounce like Mexican jumping beans!”
“Sit still!” the throat man commanded. “You’re liable to bite off the tongue depressor.”
“What’s this? What’s this?” the ear specialist mused. “Pierced ears?”
“Leggo my nose!” the prospective inductee screamed.
“Don’t be snotty!” the nose specialist ordered him. “I can’t see anything!”
“I knew it!” the throat man said angrily. “He’s swallowed my tongue depressor, and now it’s stuck in his esophagus. How am I going to examine the others without it?” He rolled up his sleeve and reached valiantly down the yawning throat.
“Agghhuoklghjkhghphumph!” the inductee protested.
“Superb sinuses,” the nose doctor judged, releasing the nostrils at last.
“Don’t see how you can say that.” The throat specialist had retrieved his tongue depressor and was busy taping it back in one piece with adhesive tape. “I find definite signs of post-nasal drip.”
“Ahh, they’re all drips,” the nose man told him. “Can’t turn him down on those grounds.”
“Why did you pierce your ears?” the ear specialist was demanding.
“I didn’t think they’d draft a man with pierced earlobes.”
“You were confused, son. What you meant to do was puncture an eardrum.”
“Damn! That’s right!”
“Wait a minute,” the eye doctor said. “There’s a notation on this fellow’s card to check his anal vision. Now what the hell do they mean by that?”
“I swallowed a glass eye,” the draftee explained. “The other doctor thought you should have a look at it.”
“Well, I’ll be damned! Always passing the buck! Okay! Bend over and I’ll have a look.”
The man did as he was told.
“Twenty-twenty.” the eye doctor decided. “Move along. Next.”
Penny sat down in the examination chair.
“Another one with pierced ears,” the doctor observed disgustedly. “These kids today can’t get anything straight. It’s all their mothers’ fault. Mothers today don’t knit any more. How can you expect a kid to puncture an eardrum right when he can’t even find a knitting needle in the house?”
“Ve-ry sensual sinuses!” the nose doctor commented.
“There seems to be something missing,” said the throat doctor, peering deep down Penny’s throat. “But it’s not my department.”
“Read the third line down on that chart.” The eye doctor pointed out the examination chart to Penny.
“What chart?”
“On the wall over there.”
“What wall?”
“Now, knock that off! Right there!”
“Oh. All right. Let’s see now—— V-I-E-T-C-O-N-G S-A-Y-S-.”