LOMAX But this is something out of the ordinary, really —
MORRISON [at the door] The — er — Mr. Undershaft. [He retreats in confusion.]
ANDREW UNDERSHAFT comes in. All rise. LADY BRITOMART meets him in the middle of the room behind the settee.
ANDREW is, on the surface, a stoutish, easygoins elderly man, with kindly patient manners, and an engaging simplicity of character. But he has a watchful, deliberate, waiting, listening face, and formidable reserves of power, both bodily and mental, in his capacious chest and long head. His gentleness is partly that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very carefully, and partly the mellowness of age and success. He is also a little shy in his present very delicate situation.
LADY BRITOMART Good evening, Andrew.
UNDERSHAFT How d‘ye do, my dear.
LADY BRITOMART You look a good deal older.
UNDERSHAFT [apologetically] I am somewhat older. [With a touch of courtship.] Time has stood still with you.
LADY BRITOMART [promptly] Rubbish! This is your family.
UNDERSHAFT [surprised] Is it so large? I am sorry to say my memory is failing very badly in some things. [He offers his hand with paternal kindness to LOMAX.]
LOMAX [jerkily shaking his hand] Ahdedoo.
UNDERSHAFT I can see you are my eldest. I am very glad to meet you again, my boy.
LOMAX [remonstrating] No but look here dont you know — [Overcome.] Oh I say!
LADY BRITOMART [recovering from momentary speechlessness] Andrew: do you mean to say that you dont remember how many children you have?
UNDERSHAFT Well, I am afraid I — . They have grown so much — er. Am I making any ridiculous mistake? I may as well confess: I recollect only one son. But so many things have happened since, of course — er —
LADY BRITOMART [decisively] Andrew: you are talking nonsense. Of course you have only one son.
UNDERSHAFT Perhaps you will be good enough to introduce me, my dear.
LADY BRITOMART That is Charles Lomax, who is engaged to Sarah.
UNDERSHAFT My dear sir, I beg your pardon.
LOMAX Notatall. Delighted, I assure you.
LADY BRITOMART This is Stephen.
UNDERSHAFT [bowing] Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Stephen. Then [going to CUSINS] you must be my son. [Taking CUSINS’ hands in his.] How are you, my young friend? [To LADY BRITOMART. He is very like you, my love.
CUSINS You flatter me, Mr. Undershaft. My name is Cusins: engaged to Barbara. [Very explicitly.] That is Major Barbara Undershaft, of the Salvation Army. That is Sarah, your second daughter. This is Stephen Undershaft, your son.
UNDERSHAFT My dear Stephen, I beg your pardon.
STEPHEN Not at all.
UNDERSHAFT Mr. Cusins: I am much indebted to you for explaining so precisely. [Turning to SARAH.] Barbara, my dear —
SARAH [prompting him] Sarah.
UNDERSHAFT Sarah, of course. [They shake hands. He goes over to BARBARA.] Barbara — I am right this time, I hope.
BARBARA Quite right. [They shake hands.]
LADY BRITOMART [resuming command] Sit down, all of you. Sit down, Andrew. [She comes forward and sits on the settee. CUSINS also brings his chair forward on her left. BARBARA and STEPHEN resume their seats. LOMAX gives his chair to SARAH and goes for another.]
UNDERSHAFT Thank you, my love.
LOMAX [conversationally, as he brings a chair forward between the writing table and the settee, and offers it to UNDERSHAFT] Takes you some time to find out exactly where you are, dont it?
UNDERSHAFT [accepting the chair] That is not what embarrasses me, Mr. Lomax. My difficulty is that if I play the part of a father, I shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger; and if I play the part of a discreet stranger, I may appear a callous father.
LADY BRITOMART There is no need for you to play any part at all, Andrew. You had much better be sincere and natural. UNDERSHAFT [submissively] Yes, my dear: I daresay that will be best. [Making himself comfortable.] Well, here I am. Now what can I do for you all?
LADY BRITOMART You need not do anything, Andrew. You are one of the family. You can sit with us and enjoy yourself. LOMAX’s too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings.
LADY BRITOMART [outraged] Charles Lomax: if you can behave yourself, behave yourself. If not, leave the room. LOMAX I’m awfully sorry, Lady Brit; but really, you know, upon my soul! [He sits on the settee between LADY BRITOMART and UNDERSHAFT, quite overcome.]
BARBARA Why dont you laugh if you want to, Cholly? It’s good for your inside.
LADY BRITOMART Barbara: you have had the education of a lady. Please let your father see that; and dont talk like a street girl.
UNDERSHAFT Never mind me, my dear. As you know, I am not a gentleman; and I was never educated.
LOMAX [encouragingly] Nobody’d know it, I assure you. You look all right, you know.
CUSINS Let me advise you to study Greek, Mr. Undershaft. Greek scholars are privileged men. Few of them know Greek; and none of them know anything else; but their position is unchallengeable. Other languages are the qualifications of waiters and commercial travellers: Greek is to a man of position what the hallmark is to silver.
BARBARA Dolly: dont be insincere. Cholly: fetch your concertina and play something for us.
LOMAX [doubtfully to UNDERSHAFT] Perhaps that sort of thing isnt in your line, eh?
UNDERSHAFT I am particularly fond of music.
LOMAX [delighted] Are you? Then I’ll get it. [He goes upstairs for the instrument.]
UNDERSHAFT Do you play, Barbara?
BARBARA Only the tambourine. But Cholly’s teaching me the concertina.
UNDERSHAFT Is Cholly also a member of the Salvation Army?
BARBARA No: he says it’s bad form to be a dissenter.[41] But I dont despair of Cholly. I made him come yesterday to a meeting at the dock gates, and took the collection in his hat.
LADY BRITOMART It is not my doing, Andrew. Barbara is old enough to take her own way. She has no father to advise her.
BARBARA Oh yes she has. There are no orphans in the Salvation Army.
UNDERSHAFT Your father there has a great many children and plenty of experience, eh?
BARBARA [looking at him with quick interest and nodding] Just so. How did you come to understand that? [LOMAX is heard at the door trying the concertina.]
LADY BRITOMART Come in, Charles. Play us something at once.
LOMAX Righto! [He sits down in his former place, and preludes.]
UNDERSHAFT One moment, Mr. Lomax. I am rather interested in the Salvation Army. Its motto might be my own: Blood and Fire.
LOMAX [shocked] But not your sort of blood and fire, you know.
UNDERSHAFT My sort of blood cleanses: my sort of fire purifies.
BARBARA So do ours. Come down to-morrow to my shelter — the West Ham shelter — and see what we’re doing. We’re going to march to a great meeting in the Assembly Hall at Mile End. Come and see the shelter and then march with us: it will do you a lot of good. Can you play anything?