Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2017 by Marc-Uwe Kling
English translation © 2020 by Jamie Lee Searle
Cover design by Rodrigo Corral Studio. Cover copyright © 2020 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
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Grand Central Publishing
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First published in Germany in 2017 by Ullstein Verlag. First English translation published in Great Britain in 2020 by Orion Fiction, an imprint of The Orion Publishing Group Ltd., a Hachette UK Company.
First Grand Central Publishing edition: January 2020
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LCCN: 2019951938
ISBNs: 978-1-5387-3296-0 (hardcover), 978-1-5387-3297-7 (ebook)
E3-20191128-JV-NF-ORI
Contents
COVER
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
TECHNICAL NOTE
QUALITYLAND VERSION 1.6
INTRODUCTION
A KISS
Have you tried FaSaSu yet?
THE BIGGEST COALITION
EARWORMS
ADO & EVA
LEVEL
QUALITYPARTNER
PARTNERCARE
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Has Arrived!
THE VOICE OF INSTRUMENTAL REASON
QUALITYCARE
Woman From Nowhere Gives Birth to Hundredth Baby
CALLIOPE 7.3
THE MACHINE BREAKERS
MORAVEC’S PARADOX
IN THE CELLAR
Family Receives Combat Robot Instead of Vacuum Cleaner
INTERVIEW
LITTLE HELPER
Books Tailored Just For You
ASCENDING OCULOGENITAL CHLAMYDIA INFECTION
SECRET POWERS
President Condemns Drone Attack as Inhumane
THE GERMAN CODE
MONEY
MACHINES DON’T MAKE MISTAKES
4.63 * 10170
Your New Best Friend
A FRIENDLY VOICE
NO GOING BACK
AN UNWANTED PRODUCT
Foreigners Steal Car. Useless Man Runs Amok
MORAL IMPLICATIONS
Are You Also Suffering From RAMnesia?
ABRACADABRA
THE DUEL
The Whole of Humanity on Everybody
MINCEMEAT
Machine Breakers Host BBQ
WHAT’S IT GOING TO BE?
PETER’S PROBLEM
CASH MACHINES
THE BETA TEST
TRAVEL DESTINATIONS
COUNTRY AIR
WANKERS
New Film Recommendations For You
COLLATERAL CONSEQUENCES
THE DINNER PROBLEM
The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year.
EVERYTHING IN GOOD ORDER
PRIVATE TUTORING
HOW TO UNDO THE PAST
Jennifer Aniston Poised for Big Comeback
A LITTLE GARDEN PARTY
THE GRAINS OF RICE
JULIET & ROMEO
Ten Facts About John Of Us
THE COMPLAINT
Quick Resolution Thanks to Selfie Drone
THE MASTER OF THE SHITSTORM
AT THE TOP
Are You Sick of Your Life? Simply Subscribe to Another!
IN THE SCRAP-METAL PRESS
CLEAN
DISORIENTED
Are You Unknowingly Endangering the Health of Your Car?
ROAD TO NOWHERE
THE BLUE EYE
Optimized Reality Lenses from QualityCorp
A GOOD BREAKFAST
Successful Call for Boycott Against TheShop
JUDGMENT DAY
THE AUDIENCE
CHANCE
EPILOGUE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
DISCOVER MORE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
QualityLand
FOR YOU
Explore book giveaways, sneak peeks, deals, and more.
TECHNICAL NOTE
This book is not internet-enabled. You can, however, still add comments to it. But it’s very unlikely that anyone will read them. You can share this book. But not with all your friends at once. If you do share it, of course it’s possible that someone will read your comments after all, and perhaps even comment on your comments. In order to change or update the contents of this book, the publisher would need to hire someone to break into your house at night, creep over to your bookcase, and cross out or edit sentences with a felt-tip pen or ballpoint. That’s possible, but unlikely. If you want to copy this book in a print shop, it might be cheaper than buying the book, but the copy wouldn’t exactly be a replica of the original.
QUALITYLAND VERSION 1.6
VERSION NOTES
Dear readers, noble alien life forms (whose existence is highly probable), valued AIs, and respected search algorithms,
I wish you an enjoyable read. What you have before you is Version 1.6 of this work. This most recent update has created an all-around better reading experience—including the following improvements:
• Major logic loopholes in Chapter 2 have been resolved.
• Defective punch lines in Chapter 7 have been replaced.
• Compatibility for the far-sighted has been improved.
• The newsfeed has been personalized.
• New option of “flicking back” to repeat difficult passages.
• Improved synchronization with the reader’s upper temporal lobes.
So all that’s left to say is—have fun in QualityLand!
Calliope 7.3
* * * QualityLand * * *
Your Personal Travel Guide
INTRODUCTION
“Come to where the quality is!
Come to QualityLand!”
So you’re off to QualityLand for the first time ever. Are you excited? Yes? And quite rightly so! You’ll soon be entering a country so important that its foundation prompted the introduction of a new calendar system: QualityTime.
As you don’t yet know your way around QualityLand, we’ve put together a brief introduction for you. Two years before QualityLand was founded—or in other words, two years before QualityTime—there was an economic crisis of such severity that it became known as the crisis of the century. It was the third crisis of the century within just a decade. Swept along by the panic of the financial markets, the government turned for help to the business consultants from Big Business Consulting (BBC) who decided that what the country needed most was a new name. The old one was worn-out and, according to surveys, only inspired die-hard nationalists with minimal buying power. Not to mention the fact that the renaming would also divest the country of a few unpleasant historical responsibilities in the process. In the past, its army had been known to… well, let’s just say they overshot the mark a little.