The level system is incredibly practical, and a large variety of institutions now pay RateMe in order to access the level data for their employees, customers, or citizens. Banks give credit depending upon levels. Employers use level data in order to compile precise job advertisements. (Interestingly, by the way, 81.92 percent of all job adverts in QualityLand are almost identical, along the lines of: “IT Technician Level 16 or higher urgently needed!”)
Many shops, restaurants, and clubs only open their automatic doors for people with a certain minimum level. A person’s level also dictates the intensity with which the police will investigate if one is unlucky enough to be murdered.
Companies, institutions, and even the state itself offer numerous bonuses for people at higher levels, in order to reward the continual self-optimization of their workers, customers, or citizens. These level abilities are incredibly sought after and a source of great pride to their new owners. But in order to ensure that no one runs through town needlessly flicking traffic lights to green, many level abilities are bound to the expenditure of so-called MANA. The higher your level, the more MANA you will have at your disposal. If, for example, you make an elevator come directly to your floor, that will cost you 32 MANA. But these 32 MANA are not lost forever. Your supply regenerates itself after a cooling-off period. The higher the level, the quicker it regenerates. Other level abilities provide you with new rights. People above Level 16, for example, are never asked to take in parcels for their neighbors.
People with a single-digit level are officially classified by the state as being in need of support. Unofficially, they are referred to as “the Useless.” And there are a great many useless people in QualityLand.
On our portal, you will find an interactive map of QualityLand. The neighborhoods with a high number of single-digit-level inhabitants are marked in red. You should steer clear of these areas. As a tourist, you can upgrade your visa with a temporary level figure. If you are planning to visit the more exclusive nightclubs, please inform yourself in advance about the required minimum level. Given that you are unable to speak QualityLanguage without an accent and probably look a little foreign, we recommend that you pay out for at least Level 10, because in QualityLand the police are allowed to stop and search all individuals below Level 10. And given that the policemen are paid on a commission basis, they usually tend to find something objectionable once they’ve stopped you.
QUALITYPARTNER
Sandra has finally been promoted, and has jumped up two levels at once. For the last four years she has been working for World Wide Wholesale (WWW), where she’s responsible for product placement in news reports. A mind-numbingly dull job. From the vast mass of news items available, search algorithms deliver those which will garner the most attention. Whether the news is true or false is irrelevant, at least at WWW. Other algorithms then contact the appropriate businesspeople or their algorithms and subtly place the products into the news. Before a piece goes online, it is presented to a human for control checks. A human like Sandra. Who then thinks up the most intriguing headline possible (which doesn’t necessarily need to bear any relation to the content of the news item). The most important thing is that the people click on it and look at the advertising. “The headline can be as banal or as stupid as you like,” Sandra’s old department leader always used to say. “Stupid sells.” As an example, he would then cite the most successful headline of his career. “These ten megastars had sex with children.” As soon as you clicked on the headline, the full title was: “These ten megastars had sex with children, once the children in question were adults.”
The last news item that Sandra had received before her promotion was:
“A 23-year-old Level 17 waitress was robbed and sexually assaulted in Disney Street today, close to the Best Bagels Café, home of the best bagels in QualityCity. The perpetrators were young men in fashionable Levi’s skinny jeans. They prevented anyone calling for help with a callblocker from the firm Silentium Inc.—which is currently giving an incredible five-year guarantee on all devices—said the victim in her statement, clearly impressed. An uninvolved witness, who was not at the scene of the crime and who didn’t see or hear anything, voiced her suspicion that the attackers were foreigners.”
Sandra deleted the victim’s age and gave the article the headline “Foreigners rape girl in the center of QualityCity!” As is to be expected, the report went viral, and Sandra finally had enough clicks to be promoted.
As she is now team leader in the Department for Alternative Facts, today she can take part for the first time in her company’s monthly Hangout. She cheers along with the others in the auditorium as their boss sprints up the eight steps to the stage. Arriving at the top, Oliver House-Husband grins, revealing his immaculate teeth, and calls out: “Hello, family!”
“Hello, Papa!” answers the crowd cheerfully. Sandra has never been before, but of course she still knows the ritual.
“We’ve landed a new client!”
The employees applaud, clearly excited. Word has already gotten around about who’s coming to visit, and even at an agency as big as WWW, it’s not every day that someone from the 90s Club stops by.
“Please join me in welcoming Patricia Team-Leader from QualityPartner!”
The auditorium explodes with applause as the somewhat chubby but, despite her forty-seven years, still very attractive founder of the world’s biggest online dating platform steps onto the stage. She sassily blows a strand of her long red hair out of her face.
“Patricia,” begins Oliver. “Just a few months ago you were all over the news as the third woman in the world to crack Level 90. And now you’re already at Level 91!”
Patricia smiles. “Yes, and you can believe me when I say I have no desire to leave the club!”
The audience laughs.
“So how can we help you to stay in it?” asks Oliver.
“What do you think it is that makes QualityPartner so successful?” asks Patricia, posing a counter-question to the auditorium. “Many people think it’s down to the user profiles being automatically generated from person-specific data. Just one kiss gives us access to all the relevant information. It couldn’t be easier. But even more crucial, I believe, is that from the very beginning we haven’t allowed our users to change their profiles.”
“Stopping people from lying about themselves,” interjects Oliver. “That was the key breakthrough in the partner selection process.”
“And of almost equal importance,” continues the QualityPartner boss, “is the fact that the system takes over this onerous task. Our users don’t have to waste time thinking about who they like the look of. QualityPartner tells them who their best fit is. One person. One perfect match. Job done.”
“I’m sure you all know the old QualityPartner slogan: ‘Love at first click,’” says Oliver. “I find it too twee. We have to place more emphasis on the advantages of a coupling system free from human error.”
“SoleMates!” suggests one of Sandra’s colleagues.
“SoleMates…” says Oliver. “Not bad.”
“Quality is Priceless!” calls another.
“Actually,” says Oliver. “I wasn’t thinking of one specific slogan. I want lots of slogans. I want a chick who goes for beefy black guys to see a beefy black guy on the screen, and a guy who likes chubby redheads to get his chubby redhead.”
Suddenly, Oliver remembers the chubby redhead standing next to him on the stage, and regrets not having spent more time preparing his speech. He could probably have found a more appropriate example.
“I want the first genuinely personalized advertising campaign in the world!” he continues hastily. “I don’t want a campaign. I want eight billion of them!”