“I’m fine.”
The next question appears: “Would you like QualityPartner to inform your old partner about the dissolution of the relationship?”
Sandra hesitates briefly, then selects OK.
Peter’s QualityPad vibrates inside his rucksack.
Sandra suddenly feels kind of bad.
“Shall we go back to yours afterward?” asks Peter, “and maybe… listen to some soft rock?”
“Why can you never just say ‘have sex’?” grumbles Sandra. “Fuck, bonk, bang. I mean, there are so many words for it. You could even say ‘make love’ for all I care. Why do you always use that euphemism? ‘Listen to soft rock.’”
“And? Shall we?”
“I don’t know.”
Yet another question appears on Sandra’s glasses: “If you like, you can make the separation easier on your former partner by gifting him with a voucher for a new QualityPartner partner of his level. This would only cost you 100 Qualities. Would you like to do that?”
Sandra selects OK. She immediately feels better.
Peter’s QualityPad vibrates once again. He leans over, rummages around in his rucksack, and pulls out the QualityPad. By the time he looks up again, Sandra has disappeared.
Two new messages are blinking on his QualityPad. He reads the first. “A new notification from QualityPartner: ‘Hello, Peter. Your relationship with Sandra Admin has been unexpectedly terminated. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to be able to greet you again soon as a QualityPartner customer.’”
Peter wants to press No, but the only option available is OK. So Peter presses OK, and reads the second message. “A new notification from QualityPartner: ‘Hello, Peter. Good news! Sandra Admin has gifted you with a QualityPartner voucher. If you like, we can immediately suggest a new partner in your level for no extra fee.’”
Peter sighs, then selects: Ask again tomorrow.
His QualityPad informs him, by means of a short sequence of sad tones, that he has just dropped down a level. Everyone around Peter looks at him, so discreetly that it is blatantly obvious. His relationship status has presumably just been updated. He is now officially useless.
Peter activates his personal assistant. “Nobody, send a message to QualityPartner. Request a reduction of the importance of appearance by 50… no, wait, 25 percent.”
“Your request has been denied,” Nobody reports back instantly. “It doesn’t correspond to your genuine wishes.”
Peter sighs again, opens the TouchKiss app, and selects the dinner from the list of open tabs. Sandra’s dish is already marked as paid. Well, there’s that, if nothing else. Pressing his lips against his QualityPad in order to pay the rest, Peter thinks: I guess that was the goodbye kiss. It tastes stale. He reminds himself to clean the screen.
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Has Arrived!
by Sandra Admin
Yesterday, as part of a sixteen-day product presentation, myRobot—“Robots for you and me”—introduced a new model for the consumer market. The so-called Sorcerer’s Apprentice is an android that learns by watching humans carry out repetitive manual tasks. “Regardless of whether you’re a baker, hairdresser, storeman, or cleaner,” says Rebecca Midwife, CEO of myRobot, “simply show our Sorcerer’s Apprentice what you do and he’ll repeat it. Without tiring, without losing concentration, and with limitless frequency! After just a few hours’ training you’ll find you’ve become completely superfluous at your workplace. It’s absolutely fantastic!”
Comments
» by Natasha Bartender:
My moronic ex gave my son one of these. And what was the first thing my hormone-overloaded teenager taught the sorcerer’s apprentice to do? I’ll give you three guesses…
» by Brad Drug-Dealer:
Awesome shit! A friend of mine is a Kung-Fu teacher and he’s just ordered 230 of the things. He’s always wanted to have an army of Kung Fu robots!!!
» by Udo Hairdresser:
I don’t like it at all…
THE VOICE OF INSTRUMENTAL REASON
As Tony Party-Leader steps onto the stage at the Progress Party headquarters, he can literally feel the spotlights burning his father’s overbearing shadow off him. He has spent his whole life working toward this moment. No easy task, because his father was the man who gave the country its name. Back when it was founded, the creatives at World Wide Wholesale actually suggested that the country be named “EqualityLand.” A survey revealed that 25.6 percent found the name “good” or “quite good,” 12.8 percent found it “bad” or “quite bad,” 51.2 percent were indifferent, and the rest didn’t understand the question. As the majority were in favor, therefore, the country was almost christened “EqualityLand,” but then Tony’s father, who was Finance Minister at the time, was hit by sudden inspiration. With a mere stroke of his fountain pen, he crossed out the first letter of the proposed name and made “EqualityLand” into “QualityLand.” At a press conference, he said: “I don’t know about you, but fair pay aside, as a consumer I’d choose a product ‘Made in QualityLand’ over a product ‘Made in EqualityLand’ any day of the week.”
Recordings from this press conference still get a lot of clicks even today, and Tony is often asked about his father. This evening, though, he is the one in the limelight, because everyone here is in agreement that the nomination of an android as a presidential candidate is a legendary coup, a historical turning point. What remains the subject of heated debate, however, is whether it’s a very good idea or a very stupid one.
Martyn Chairman hasn’t made his mind up yet either. The only thing he’s sure about is that Tony Party-Leader’s poll ratings weren’t high enough for him to run. Plus the fact that Tony and Conrad Cook can’t stand each other. So the android is Tony’s best chance of at least becoming vice president. Martyn steps into the meeting room a little late, having indulged in some heavy flirting with one of the Party hostesses en route. Even considering the unusual circumstances, Martyn is surprised by how agitated his colleagues are. Tony Party-Leader is up on the stage, trying to calm everyone down.
“Let’s not kid ourselves!” he cries. “We’re in the midst of a deep confidence crisis. No one trusts anyone anymore, us politicians least of all. But what do the people trust? What is objective, incorruptible, and never makes mistakes? A machine, that’s what!”
True, thinks Martyn.
“There won’t be any doubts about John’s policies. They are mathematically certifiable.”
A convincing point, thinks Martyn.
“But what will his policies be?” calls a representative from the front row.
A good question, thinks Martyn.
“The same as ours,” answers Tony. “Progress and growth. But with the ability to faultlessly avoid crises.”
That sounds good, thinks Martyn.
“Have you programmed him to do that?” calls another representative.
An important question, thinks Martyn.
“We have intentionally given John no particular approach, because we don’t know what the best approach is,” says Tony. “I mean, if we could anticipate the result of his calculations, we wouldn’t need him in the first place.”
That makes sense, thinks Martyn.
“John has more computing power than all our brains put together!”
Martyn looks around at his colleagues and mutters to himself: “That’s not exactly hard.”
“John has access to all the data that has been collected since the beginning of the history of humanity. I assure you all that he will take the rationalization of all societal processes to a new level.”