They moved through the Portal of Purity and along the Corridor of Concepts, hung a left at the Halls of Holiness, then drifted past the File Card Index of Indescribable Illumination- five stories high and perhaps a mile long. Cool wide halls were filled with ibis-headed beings. There were emissaries from other gods and silent, unmoving guards. The air smelled of sandalwood, and the residents of the afterlife hurried to carry out all the tasks appointed to them. The energy being's guide inclined its beak to various luminaries as they passed. It gave its visitors the grand tour, explaining the glories and the mysteries for their receptive minds.
"Here is the hall of Thoth. Your gift can be made before the god himself, for here his light of truth blasts the deceitful, destroys illusions, and brings bliss to the good."
"Ah." The energy being pocketed a golden doorknob behind its back. "And, ah, this is where great and mighty Thoth inducts his new arrivals?"
"Indeed! At the far side of this hall is our cataloguing area, where new gifts are identified and filed. Such duties are the reward of the greatest in life-priests, sphinxes, and kings!" The long corridors came to an end. "But come! The god awaits your magnificent gift!" The guide ushered them through a mighty portal. "Now, look in wonder, for here is the Throne of Verity! In its presence, only truth may be told, so that all may revel in its purity."
In a hall so high that flocks of sacred birds circled the highest column tops, in a room created by the tireless labor of souls allowed nothing but the wish to serve, was a throne of gold a hundred feet high. Enshrined upon it, sat a titanic being-ibis-headed, crowned, sceptered, and armed. Ranked before him were untold thousands of worshipers, all paying homage in perfectly coordinated bows. The energy being stopped dead and seemed a little bit diminished, while behind it, the two companions stalled.
The energy being wriggled its little pseudopods in alarm.
"Oh, frot."
"Frot?" The ibis-headed guide frowned, then shook the comment away. "Now we shall approach the throne. There is a line of supplicants bearing tribute. You shall be number five thousand and eleven-a very significant number, as you will doubtless realize." The ibis-being clearly expected a reply, but received none. "In any case, how would you like your gift announced? What sort of secrets are written on this scroll?"
"None!" The energy being spoke in a screech, unable to help itself. "It's a pyromaniac sentient hell hound skin with delusions of humor!"
The ibis stared at the hell hound skin, which grinned back and happily wagged its tail.
Hello!
Blubbering, its preconditioned mind none too agile, the ibis-being looked at the visitors in absolute confusion. "B-but why? Why are you giving a hell hound skin to the great god Thoth?"
"We're not!" The energy being thrashed in panic, trying to stop itself from speaking. "It's a ruse! We're here to do an abduction!"
"An abduction?" The ibis recoiled in fright. "You? A benevolent energy being?"
"I'm not an energy being! I'm a skinny faerie with the universe's most perfect butt!" The energy being thrashed in panic. "Jus! Little help here!"
Still holding Cinders rolled on his shoulder, the Justicar punched their guide with enough force to slide the creature out of sight amongst the curtains.
"Boring conversation anyway."
"Come on!" Escalla changed back into her usual form. "Let's move!"
Nine-foot-tall guardians made of solid stone heard the noise, turned in puzzlement, then started forward to investigate. Escalla waved happily at them and pointed to Henry, who still looked like an idiot in his polymorphed disguise of ibis head and kilt. She tried to feed the guards another lie.
"Hey! We're interlopers here to expose your sham of an afterlife!" Escalla stamped and cursed. "Damn it! This tell-only-the-truth thing is screwing up my best fast talk!"
"Escalla!" Henry's feathers flapped in panic. "It's not working! Change me back! Change me back!"
"Relax, they'll fall for it!" Escalla gave an easy shrug, apparently oblivious to the two stone behemoths stomping toward them. "Trust me! I'm a faerie!"
Jus dragged his sword out from inside Cinders's rolled hide and crashed Benelux into the guts of a charging stone guardian. Benelux sheared through solid stone, spraying chips and gravel as she blasted out through the juggernaut's back. The stone being fell in two, both halves thrashing madly in rage. Jus swirled, hacked the hand off the second statue, whipped about twice more and smashed off its leg and head. He grabbed Escalla as she whooped and applauded him, breaking into a lumbering run as they crossed the hall of Thoth.
On the huge throne, the great god Thoth stirred. The disturbance at the far end of the hall had reached his notice. Guards ran for the little group of fugitives and were left in parts on the floor as the intruders escaped. The god Thoth pointed a finger in command, and as one, all ten thousand supplicants turned, roared, and chased after the blasphemous infidels.
Thoth stood and roared, shooting bolts of light that blasted huge craters in the floor.
With a wave of enraged inhumanity hot on her tail, Escalla looked over the Justicar's shoulder as he ran through the hall.
"Wow! These people are pissed!"
A blast of light splintered a titanic column mere inches away. Hundreds of tons of stonework thundered through the air, and the ceiling began to collapse. Column after column tilted and smashed into each other, one after another. A wall of dust and debris hid the onrushing crowd from Jus, Escalla, and Henry. The Justicar pelted around a corner, ducked a sword wielded by a jabbering ibis-man, and felled the creature with a blow of his hand.
"Escalla! Do you have any idea where we're going?"
"Sure! Trust me! I'm a faerie!" Escalla opened the portable hole on Jus's belt and stuck her head inside. "Hey, Polk? Polk! Check the thingie!"
"I'm doin' it! I'm doin' it! But you can't rush art. I've tried to teach that fact to so many, but they just don't listen. Art's from the soul, girl! Soul! You don't rush soul. You do that, you get bad-"
"Polk! We're a little stressed for time here!" Escalla fired off a lightning bolt that blasted through a dozen crocodile-headed guards. "Could you just-you know-do it?"
Grumbling away, Polk sat beside a big bowl of enchanted water. Floating on the water was a wooden disk, and upon the disk was Enid's tail. The tail swung about, settled, and ended up pointing in a steady line. Polk sniffed and, cocking one eye, looked up at the faerie.
"That way!" He pointed in the direction indicated by the tuft of Enid's fluffy tail. "Is the boy still dawdling? Are we there yet?"
Leaning through the hole, the sound of sword fighting loud behind her, Escalla gave the tail a scowl.
"How do you know it's not the other way? You know-maybe the wet end points the way?"
"Do you want art, or do you want argument?" Polk pointed an imperious paw. "I'm a quadruped. I know tails! Now get goin'. We've got real work to do elsewhere!"
"Fine!" The faerie cast a cloud of choking fog to block the passageway behind her. "Sheesh! Badgers are so grouchy before their mid-morning nap!"
Folding his paws and muttering, Polk looked over to the tanar'ri who sheltered at the far side of the portable hole. She was gnawing all six sets of nails. Polk sniffed and shook his head.
"No gumption! Young folks today just have no gumption! Stop frettin', woman! It's only the halls of the gods!"
With her scales a horrid shade of grey, Morag rocked back and forth in panic.
"Oh, we are going to be killed." The demon heard a fireball detonate overhead, accompanied by the battle cry of thousands of Thoth's followers. "What am I doing here?"
Escalla popped her head in through the lip of the hole.
"I told you! You do the teleport thing for us, and dad will have your dream castle made, furnished-he'll even put in gardens! Peace and quiet-a love nest where the Blood Wars never go." The faerie gave an airy little wave. "So chill already! You're in a portable hole. What could possibly go wrong? Trust me! I'm a faerie!"