Rusty, she made me come wit her to see him. Mama said I was gonna get Rusty in trouble, hangin' round with her, me a sharecropper’s daughter (leastways 'fore Papa done got killed) and her a colored girl-but Rusty didn’t bother 'bout that and me neither. I didn’t think people noticed, cuz we was both poor and pretty much invisible anyways.
Rusty, she said let’s go, but Mama, she say he was bad mojo and she warned me not to. But Rusty, she come and walk me home that night and she say he gonna play for us girls this time, real special, just for us! I figure she meant me an her, but when we got there, they was bustin' out the whole place, and they was all juiced up and jumpin', just girls-white and black alike, everywhere! — dancin' like they didn’t know how not to.
Getting in weren’t easy, we had to jam and jiggle our way through. I seen him sittin' on a chair, leanin' back against the wall wit his guitar. There was a drummer this time, keepin' some sorta beat on a ole' hand drum, but mostly it was him, his fingers movin' like heat lightning at the end of the hottest summer days. He didn’t so much play it as make it sing, like that guitar itself was his very own voice. There weren’t no way to not listen to him, once you caught the beat. It rocked your world every which way ’til you were sure up was down and white was black and in was out.
I seen him there, and my heart was jerkin' under my ribs after him, like it was trying to bust outta my chest, and I saw that he seen me, too, and then it was me pullin'
Rusty along, tryin' to get close. There was too many girls up here-I even seen the mayor’s girl, Lucy-all pressin' together, grindin' they’s hips to the music with each other.
I leaned back against the wall, just to have somethin' to hold up, and Rusty, she lean back against me, and I wrapped my arms 'round her waist. I didn’t think nothin' of it, it seemed so natural to be rollin' together to the music, my hips cradlin' her hips, rockin'
together like Mama used ta do when I was a babe.
His eyes were on us, and his hands moved like some voodoo, the music comin'
faster, and me and Rusty, we were rolln' faster with it. I dunno what really happen, but somehow we got all twisted up together, me and Rusty, and we was kissin' on each other like we thought we would drown if we didn’t. She was rubbin' her whole body up and down me, pressin' me into the wall.
Everwhere around me, girls was doin' the same, not just dancin' anymore, but kissin' and touchin' and lord help us, they were takin' off they’s clothes like no one was
there to watch 'em. But there was somebody watchin'-he was watchin', his eyes dancin' to their beat as them girls rocked out on the floor. He was watchin' them kiss n’touch and rub up against each other like this was just what he came here ta see.
Rusty’s hands was holdin' onto me tight, and when my eyes met his and his guitar let out a long, lonesome wailin' sound, I ain’t never wanted anything more than to feel that girl’s sweet, hot flesh against mine. I started takin' down her dress and I saw him flash me a smile, his face dark like night but his teeth white as pearls Rusty, she didn’t say nothin', but she started workin' on my dress, too, and before I could say devil-don’t-make-me, we was naked together against that wall, still rubbin'
and chafin' up against each other like nobody’s business. Rusty had these tiny little titties, and she was pressin' 'em against my great big 'uns, our nipples rubbin' together in time to the music.
I put my hand ’tween her legs and she spread 'em open for me. She was wet and thick like molasses. I was, too, and her fingers shoved up into me and we worked it out together, kissin' and touchin' and rubbin' each other in that dark room with the music pulsin' through us like our hearts beatin' and our blood pumpin' and our juices flowin'
down our thighs.
I hooked my leg 'round hers, so’s our bodies couldn’t slip away from each other, cuz she was shakin' and jerkin' and wailin' against me. I looked over an seen him watchin' us, his eyes glowin' like fire, and then I’s buckin' against Rusty, too, feelin'
waves of love an heav'n rollin' all through me, 'cept it felt like I’s possessed by something and maybe it was the devil after all.
Weren’t no girl not naked in that room, and he played and played and played us until we was all tangled up together by dawn, mewlin' and cryin' like a pile of black'n'white kittens. He left us there in the mornin', and I heard him whisper when he walk by, “Next time, maybe dey’ll pay me like they’s s'posed to.”
There was a big scandal in the town, and they woulda lynched him if they coulda found him. They never did. I think about him when I pick my banjo for Mama, sittin' on the porch and starin' off at those mountains in the distance.
When I think about him, I just wanna cry.
ACTS OF CONTRITION
I was in boarding school, and things were different back then. I think they still have corporal punishment in some states, like Texas, but in most places it’s been phased out. But we were good Catholics, or we were supposed to be, and if you spared the rod, you’d spoil the child. Hell, that was what my parents put me there for in the first place. My father couldn’t stand to say no, and my mother couldn’t say anything but, and they decided, between them, that someone else should raise their daughter.
So the nuns and the priests attempted to curb my voracious appetites for four years. They failed miserably. By the time I was a senior, my birthday just passed in a haze of alcohol and sex-the drinking age hadn’t yet been changed from eighteen-I’d been disciplined more times than I could count, suspended from classes, and nearly expelled, twice. I was always scraping by, just barely, but it was enough for me.
Father Hamilton had the task of disciplining me for my latest transgressions. The nuns had pretty much given up and handed me over to the priests, which was fine, as far as I was concerned. The priests were more direct. They liked to use the paddle-a thick piece of wood that Father Lowery, who taught physics, had drilled several holes through for less air resistance-and while it stung, it was over pretty quick. And the good thing about Father Hamilton was that he hated to give sermons. It was always straight to the punishment.
“Over the desk, Amy.”
I knew the drill. I bent over his wide desk and lifted my skirt-they weren’t supposed to touch us except with objects-exposing the seat of my white cotton panties. It was a typical school uniform, navy skirt, white blouse, white knee socks, Mary Janes. We looked like drones running up and down the halls on our way to class.
“For every blow, you must say an act of contrition.”
“Yes, Father.”
I waited, my heart hammering in my chest. I wasn’t afraid of it anymore, but there was a sick sort of anticipated dread anyway in the moments before.
SMACK!
I winced, beginning:
The second SMACK! came long before I could finish, and I began again with a gasp, “Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for…”
SMACK!
SMACK!
SMACK!
“Father!” I whimpered, my whole ass on fire with pain. It hadn’t been like this before. “Please!”
“That’s right,” he murmured. “Beg.”
SMACK!
“Oh!” I buried my face in my arms, trying to hide from the pain. “Oh please, I’m sorry, please…”