And the more I watched, the more the feeling swelled until I felt like I was going to burst.
It wasn’t long before he was moaning again, whispering, “Oh, oh, oh!” and then shoving his privates up into his fist, that thick white stuff flooding out the end. There was so much of it!
I didn’t go to my room this time. Instead, I hurried down the ladder and went back to hanging laundry, but that gnawing tickle took a long, long time to go away. Eli’s hand touched mine when I asked him to pass me the milk pitcher during dinner and I thought the heat that rushed through my torso would make me faint. He gave me a funny look, but I just kept my eyes down and finished eating.
Still, I didn’t stop watching. I couldn’t. I felt compelled, even though I knew it was a sin, I knew the devil was in me, and I had to rub him out. I tried. I did. I stood on the ladder, watching my brother pump himself like he was a well, waiting for that blessed moment when the liquid finally surfaces, and I lifted my long skirts to touch myself, too.
I didn’t have what he had. Girls and boy had different parts, I knew that much from changing diapers for Ma when the babies needed it, but I never knew how complimentary the parts were, how different and yet how similar. I pressed myself there over my undergarments while I watched him, worrying myself between the legs again and again. I knew if someone came into the barn-if Da had come in…my blood curdled just thinking about it.
But he never did. And one day, when Eli was thrusting up into his hand and I was at my usual spot on the ladder, watching, I felt that little tickle between my legs build to a sneeze. Something had to give. My fingers moved, back and forth, around and around, my whole body tingling with sensation, and then…it happened.
The world exploded. I cried out-I couldn’t help it-my whole body trembling with the force of the devil inside of me, and I wondered briefly if I had finally driven him out.
My legs wouldn’t hold me. They turned to jelly and I fell, catching myself halfway down only to lose my grip again and land, hard, on the dirt floor below.
“Sarah!” Eli was calling. I was okay, but dazed, breathless, still stunned by what had happened, and I didn’t answer him. He took the ladder two rungs at a time,
sweeping me up over his shoulder and carrying me back up like I was a sack of potatoes.
When he had me on the hay, touching my face, calling my name, I finally opened my eyes. He was concerned, but embarrassed, too, and I knew he was wondering how much I’d seen. Oh, Eli, I’ve seen so very much, I thought, catching his hand and bringing it up to my heart.
“I know it’s a sin,” I whispered, lifting his fingers to my mouth and kissing them.
“But I can’t help it.”
“Help…what?” His dark, puzzled eyes met mine, and I searched his earnest face with my heated gaze.
“I saw you.” I admitted it, feeling the heat move into my cheeks. He flushed, too.
“Eli, it was so wonderful!”
“Sarah, I’m sorry.” His eyes dropped to the hay. “It is a sin. I shouldn’t. I need to stop. I know you’ll have to tell Ma…or Da.”
“No.” I swallowed hard at the thought and cradled his hand against my cheek. “I don’t want to tell.”
“But…”
“Something that feels so good can’t be a sin,” I insisted, half sitting now, back on my elbows. “It can’t possibly. I just…I understand now. Why you keep doing it, how the whole world opens up for a moment and you feel like you’re dying, or flying. I felt like I could touch God himself.”
He was staring at me, wide-eyed. “How long were you watching?”
“I’ve watched lots of times.” I lifted my chin, defiant, in spite of my flushed cheeks. “I touch myself, too.”
Eli gaped. “Where?”
I hesitated before slowly placing a hand between my legs, over my long skirts.
“Here.”
Puzzled, he frowned. “But you don’t have…”
“I know.” I shrugged. “But it feels good, all the same.” His eyes brightened, still focused between my legs. My hand still rested there.
“Will you… show me?”
Stunned, I stared at him for a moment, unable to breathe. The sort of sin I’d committed so far was nothing compared to what he was asking. Only babies were allowed to be naked in front of others. I looked into his eyes, saw the eagerness, the hunger there, the longing I felt, too, and slowly I started to lift my skirt. His gaze followed its path, up my knee-sock covered calves, and then my bare knees. He gasped when he saw those, his eyes following the path of my skirt up my bare thighs until I had it pulled up to my waist.
Then I pressed my hand between my legs, over the heated, damp mound there, and began to rub myself. He watched, fascinated, his breath coming almost as fast as mine.
“Have you ever taken these off?” he whispered, tugging at my undergarments.
I shook my head, my heart hammering in my chest.
“Will you?” he breathed, his eyes meeting mine. What I saw there made me want to do anything, anything at all for him. “Oh Sarah, please.”
The desperation in his voice moved me and I tugged them down and off. The air over my privates was cool, and I explored with my fingers a place I had only touched through my clothes, or when I quickly washed myself on Saturdays. The sensation was incredible, so intense, my fingers growing wet as I parted the dark hair and probed in between.
“That’s so lovely,” he breathed.
“Do you like it?” I asked, glancing down at my parted thighs, the dark triangle.
He nodded, eyes transfixed, and I saw his hand rubbing his privates again through his breeches.
I rubbed the most tender spot, finding a little nub of flesh there I hadn’t felt before through my clothes. Touching it made me moan, and my breasts felt suddenly heavier.
“It feels so much better without my clothes.”
“I know.” He grinned sheepishly. “I started doing it at first through my clothes, too.”
“I guess it feels like less of a sin that way.” I grinned back. “Oh, Eli, it can’t be a sin…it feels so very good.”
“I know.” He swallowed hard, still watching, his hand moving to undo his breeches and reach inside. I wanted to see him, too. “Sarah…” His hand reached out, hesitated. “Can I… can I touch it?”
“Can I?” My eyes dropped to where his hand was wrapped around his privates.
He startled. “Do you want to?”
I nodded, my hand out, tentative. He moved forward so I could reach, gasping when I brushed the tip with my fingers. It was a little wet there, and I rubbed that over the top, making him moan.
“Oh that’s so nice,” he moaned as I wrapped my hand around it like I’d seen him do. It was thick and pulsing, and not anything like I’d expected. I explored for a moment, curious, until I felt his fingers parting me down there, slipping through the wetness.
“Oh, Eli!” I breathed, my legs parting themselves as he explored, too. It was different when he touched me, and my breath came faster. I squeezed him, tugging, making him jerk and thrust. I liked the motion.
“Rub it here,” I said, showing him the spot, and his fingers moved there, making me spread wide and thrust, too. It seemed like the natural thing to do.
“I want to see you,” he whispered, not asking, just unfastening my clothes, my skirt, my blouse, and I let him. The air was cold, and he stared down at me, completely nude before him, no longer seeing me with a brother’s eyes. “Oh Sarah, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I glowed from the inside out, and when he leaned in and took one of my nipples into his mouth, the way I’d seen the babies do, latching on to Ma for milk, I thought the sensation would make me faint.