Chrvit than nai lok manut dot rap toe ktvarm chok-di Lath chrvit khong than bon saman korjah pen chen dio-kan.
There were several round-eyes among the guests, as I knew there would be from what Chen had told me: Shoda employed Europeans. Otherwise I couldn't have come. As it was, I stayed at the back of the congregation, near the massive decorated doors. There was constant movement; the mourners were now approaching the catafalque again, to light candles and leave them on the dais below it, with posies of cane-work flowers smoking with incense.
One of the mourners was in uniform, but not of the Thai Army. Two aides flanked him: perhaps General Dharmnoon. I began watching him, wherever he moved.
I was also watching the environment as more people came in. Along the gallery that circled the temple there was movement sometimes, or it seemed like it: I couldn't be sure. The lamplight threw shadows there, and there seemed to be patches of reflected light, the size of a human face. Aware of them, I began thinking for the first time that coming here had not been a calculated risk, but a fatal error.
Nerves. The ritual of death in here was subtly playing on them.
Five monks in saffron robes took their place near the catafalque, bare-headed but holding ornate fans to hide their faces as they chanted their prayers.
Rao phu sueng mai dap rap khrvarm karuna hat farm than pai jah raluek thueng chrvit khong than duai khwarm thert-thun talord karn.
Then it began, and I wasn't ready for it.
One of the women, only half-seen in her black robes, was moving down the aisle towards the catafalque, and several others were going with her, but at a slight distance, falling away in a soft wave of silk and giving her room; their robes too were black. Their sandals would be making a susurration on the marble floor, but because of the monks' chanting they seemed to move in perfect silence, spreading out as they reached the wide space before the dais, like the petals of a black tulip opening. At the same time there was movement among the rest of the throng, though hardly even that; a stirring, an expression of sudden attention, as if their breath was now held as they waited. I could have been wrong, but I thought that the chanting of the five monks had become softer behind their spread fans, more resonant, like the vibration of the gong outside whose waves of sound had floated endlessly on the air.
This had been the risk, and I'd taken it, and it was too late now.
The woman was kneeling, her hands together and her head lowered, facing the red and gold catafalque. The others followed, and now I could see them clearly enough to know that there were eight of them, four on each side and forming a double arc with the single woman at the centre. I could have believed they'd rehearsed their tableau for hours a day, and knew that they hadn't.
No one, anywhere, was moving now, and in the great stillness my mind slowed to the rhythm of alpha waves, and three-dimensional reality began losing its definition, drawn into the shadows by the vast stillness here, by the heady fumes of the incense, the mesmerising glimmer of a hundred candle-flames and, above all, the presence of death.
Too late, yes, but already I could believe that it wasn't simply a calculated risk I'd taken, but that she'd somehow drawn me here to the temple, the woman who kneeled alone, Mariko Shoda, drawn me here by the ethereal force of whatever demonic spirit burned in her, and burned those who touched.
People always tell me the same thing about Little Kiss-of-Steel – don't stand too close, and above all don't touch.
There was still no movement anywhere. The sense of time was slipping away, because time, too, was an illusion, a part of the three-dimensional reality that no longer held any meaning in this place. The monks' rhythmic chanting never ceased; it had become the sound of endlessness, the continuum of the universe. The smoke of the incense was the essence of Nirvana, distilled from the scents of life's experience long forgotten until now. My eyes, focused on the slender neck of the woman who knelt there, Shoda, the woman who prayed there, Mariko Shoda, could look nowhere else, because there was nowhere else.
Danger. This mood is lethal.
Yes, but I would have thought of that a long time ago, if it hadn't already been my karma to come here. The left brain can be very tiresome at a time when — You mean you 're ready to give up life?
I wouldn't say that.
Then what else can you be saying?
I think I moved, then, feeling the return of beta consciousness, raising my head and looking along the shadowed gallery. Yes, there were faces there in the gloom between the lamps, faces looking down.
So be it.
You 'II go as easily as that?
Leave me alone.
It had been a try, I suppose. I'd slipped back into reality enough to check the environment, and wished I hadn't. Serves you right, so forth.
My eyes went back to the kneeling woman.
She's very spiritual – Chen – she always prays for you before she kills.
So be it.
A cold draught somewhere, though it didn't worry me; a movement of the air, its chill coming against me but not touching my skin, waking me a little, bringing enough reality back to let me know what it was: the creeping of the sense of death along the nerves.
Then there was nothing, for a time, for whatever period of timelessness it was that seemed like time. We were held, all of us, in the cosmic thrall that had its centre in the woman there, Shoda, the woman praying. There was nothing. Nihil. It had stilled us forever, and we no longer breathed because there was no need to breathe, no need to experience anything but Nirvana, the stillness of perfect love.
Shock came and I flinched, unprepared for it as she began moving, the woman there, lifting her head and letting her arms fall beside her as she rose to her feet and stood for a moment facing the catafalque. I'd felt the shock go through the others here; some of them had caught their breath. The incense smelt acrid suddenly and the monks' chanting took on monotony, became obtrusive. One of the children I had seen earlier had started crying, unable to deal with the sudden change of dimension.
Do what you can.
Yes, I know what you mean. But there's nothing. Nihil.
She turned, Shoda, and began walking back towards us, and the other women held for a moment where they were and then closed in a little, following, their steps in unison with hers, Shoda's. Their eyes were soft, in the way that can be seen when karatekas are joined in kumite, in contest, or when Olympic athletes are performing 'in the zone'. The eyes are not focused, but simply allow vision to come in from the entire field, so that you look at nothing but see everything.
I saw only her face.
It was long, noble, the cheekbones rising to wide, luminous eyes, her brow clear, ivorine under her night-black hair; but that's just a description and there is no way of telling you how the face of Shoda appeared to me in the temple on that evening, because it was more than the face of a woman – it was also the face of death, fashioned in beauty. My own death, of course, no question of that.
So easily?
I know what you mean, but when there's no question you don't question it, do you, surely that's reasonable?
You haven't got very long now. What are you going to do?
The cold draught came again and this time my skin crawled and I went straight into left brain and the shock went through to the bone because it was true: I'd been insane to come here even though I'd believed there was a chance of getting away with it and accelerating the mission and somehow surviving.
Sheer bloody pride – I hadn't got a chance in hell.
You're just going to let it happen?