"Now I know this is a joke. If you're not going to unmask, I'll do it for you." And Chip Craft started for the man with the paper-bag head.
The dry-voiced man removed a .45 automatic from a drawer. He laid it on the desk with a heavy thud.
"I assure you that this is not a joke, and if you attempt to remove my disguise, I will have no choice but to shoot you. The security of this installation depends upon my identity remaining undisclosed."
Chip Craft halted. "You sound serious."
The man laid his hand across the weapon. "I assure you that I will not hesitate to shoot."
"Tell you what. I'm not saying I believe you and I'm not saying I don't. But I'll play along. Now, if this is for real, the ES Quantum's gotta be on the premises, correct?"
"Look behind you." Chip turned.
In one corner of the room stood the ES Quantum. It looked like a modernistic Christmas tree without ornaments. It was spindle-shaped, with a fat, molded base which tapered up to a tip that just grazed the ceiling. It was chocolate brown in color. The unit was featureless except for a glass-fronted square aperture set at eye level.
"If this is a gag, someone's gonna be swimming in shit when the head honcho finds out."
"My present terminal is connected to a system located several floors under our feet. I assume you can transfer the connection from up here."
"What terminal?"
The man with the paper-bag head pressed a stud under the edge of the desk and a terminal rose up like a crystal ball.
"Oh, that terminal. Let me take a look," Chip said, placing his tool case on the desk and opening it. He examined the terminal curiously.
"Boy, this takes me back. I haven't seen one of these in years. You should have upgraded long ago."
"Never mind that. Can you do it?"
"Let's see what you've got for connectors."
"The lines lead into the desk."
"Wanna move aside, Mr. . . . What do I call you, anyway-Smith?"
"No, Jones. Not Smith. Jones."
"What's the difference? We both know it's not your real name. "
"I prefer Jones, if you don't mind."
"Jones, then. Most anonymous people go with Smith, but suit yourself."
"Jones rose from behind the desk and Chip Craft poked his head into the desk well. He came back up a moment later.
"Ribbon cables? When was this thing installed-during Prohibition?"
"Is there a problem?"
"No, I'm just overcome by nostalgia. Ribbon cables. Jesus! Well, guess I'd better get started."
"I will remain here," said "Jones."
"Sure. Want to pass me a screwdriver as long as you're not doing anything?"
Chip felt a screwdriver slap into his hand and got to work.
Hours later, he breathed a sigh of accomplishment. "It's done. Got a place where I can wash up?"
"Out in the hall."
When Chip came back, "Jones" was stringing tinsel and colored balls on the ES Quantum unit.
"I knew it!" he howled gleefully. "It was a joke."
"I assure you this is not a joke, and do not come any closer."
Chip Craft saw the automatic was pointed at his chest. He lifted his hands. "Okay, okay. But do you mind telling me what the decorations are for? Christmas was last month."
"I get a certain amount of foot traffic through this office. No one must know that this is a computer system."
"I don't think they're gonna believe it's a Christmas tree. Especially when it's going up in January."
"Many people are slow to take down their trees."
"Yeah, but what are you going to tell them come July?"
"If we all live to see July, I will worry about that then."
"You're making me nervous with that talk, pal."
"Why don't you walk me through the system?"
"Roger." Chip got behind "Jones's" desk and powered up the terminal. In the corner, the ES Quantum gave out a steady hum. Nothing else happened. There were no lights to blink, no spooling tape reels, and no surface features except its single dark eye. It might have been a vegetable that had come to life.
"Jones" joined Chip Craft at the terminal.
"I've left the keyboard as it was, although it's optional now. "
"I understand the unit is voice-activated."
"Yep. She's a parallel processor, one hundred thousand times faster than anything else in the world. She can do multiple tasks simultaneously without time-share lag. It's like having a hundred mainframes rolled into one unit. She's got that spindle shape to pack the chips tight to speed up the electron flow. It facilitates the data processing something fierce. But the heart of the ES Quantum Three Thousand is its artificial-intelligence processor. Listen: Hello, ES Quantum."
"Hello." The voice came from the corner. It was light and silvery.
"A woman's voice?" asked "Jones."
"Nice touch, don't you think?"
"I don't know. It doesn't sound very businesslike."
"You want businesslike? Ask her to think."
"How?"
"I'll do it. Computer, scan the room."
"Room scanned."
"What do you make of what you see?"
"Two options. Either this is a high-security area or someone is playing a joke on you."
"What makes you say that?" "Jones" asked sharply.
"Because you have a forty-five-caliber Army-issue Colt automatic in your right hand and a paper bag over your head. If the weapon is real-and I am unable to quantify that judgment at this distance-then it means this is a security situation."
"How do you know this isn't a mugging?" asked "Jones." "I could be a mugger."
"Your body language indicates ease with your surroundings. You are in a familiar place. Therefore this is your office. And you would not be mugging a man in your own office. Your disguise would be pointless."
"But I don't understand. What makes you feel that this is a security area?"
"Because I am the ES Quantum Three Thousand, the most advanced artificial-intelligence system on the planet and, according to my own projections, likely to remain so for at least another thirteen months."
"Thirteen months." Chip Craft whistled. "The boys in Research and Development had it pegged at twenty-six months."
"They are not aware of the recent Japanese AI advances."
"What recent Japanese advances?" Chip demanded.
"The Mishitsu Corporation has just made a superconductor breakthrough which will lead to parallel processing speeds of nearly twice my current rate."
"I hadn't heard that."
"It has not been announced yet."
"Then how do you know about it? I just turned you on, for Christ's sake!"
"Because I am hooked up to the telephone system in this office. Already I am reaching out and assimilating other data on a global scale. The Japanese advance will be announced on Tuesday."
"My God, she works better than we thought."
"What else do I need to know about this system?" asked "Jones."
"Not much-"
"You may address that question to me," said the ES Quantum. "Now that I am fully on-line."
"You heard the lady," Chip said proudly. "I guess my job is done."
"I will have to blindfold you again for the drive back."
"Okay, let's go."
"Then I was correct," said the ES Quantum Three Thousand.
"Yes," "Jones" said. "Now, please wait here for my return. We have much work to do."
"Where would I go?" the computer asked.
"She's got a point," Chip said as the blindfold covered his eyes once more.
"Er, yes, of course. How silly of me," "Jones" said, looking at the ridiculously ornamented computer.
"One last bit of advice, Jones," Chip Craft offered as he was led out the door.
"Yes?"
"Try not to fall in love with her. She's probably a million times smarter than you."