What, really, did she want to come out of all this? To be loved by him? Oh that, certainly. It was what she'd been dreaming of. The small gestures of affection – his hand on her neck, stroking her hair – the gifts. But that he should make love to her? On the way home tonight, perhaps, in the back of his van? Then that she should stroll into her mother as if she'd just got off the bus to answer questions about her day at school? Was she expecting that? She felt out of her depth. Really out of her depth as if the water was coming over head and she was gasping for breath.
She realized that he'd asked her a question. 'Sorry?'
'Everyone's saying Magnus Tait did it. What did Perez tell you?'
'Nothing about that,' she said. 'He wouldn't, would he? He just wanted to know about Catherine!
'What about her?'
'Everything. Did she have a boyfriend? Who her mates were. He was trying to find out where she'd been the night before she came back to Ravenswick on the bus!
Robert leaned back in his chair. The little man by the fire snored, a rush of air through his nose, so loud that it woke him up. He looked blankly around him then fell immediately back to sleep.
'And did she have a boyfriend?' Robert asked. 'Not that I knew!
'And you would know, wouldn't you?'
'I'm not sure: she said. 'I don't know what to think any more! She wished then he would put his arm around her and hold her, comfort her, tell her it was all right, that it was natural for her to be upset. In a film that was what a hero would do. She wanted to tell him how hard it was for her to be here. Someone might come in who knew her parents. She wasn't like the other young girls he knocked around with. She'd thought he'd been able to tell she was different and that was why he liked her.
'Did she tell you where she was the night before she died?'
'How could she? I didn't see her that day!
'Who do you think did it?' he asked. 'I mean, did she say anything to you before she died? About any weirdos who might have been hanging around?'
'No: she said. 'Nothing like that. Anyway, you couldn't believe everything she said. She could be pretty weird herself. She was screwed up after her mother died. I don't think she lived in the real world.'
'Oh: She thought he was going to ask something else, but he just added 'Right,' and stared' at the old man sleeping by the fire.
'Look,' she said, 'I should go. My mother will expect me back on the bus:
'Oh. OK' He drank his whisky but made no move. 'You said you'd give me a lift.'
'So I did: He smiled. It was something of the old smile, gallant and a little mocking at the same time, but she thought his heart wasn't in it. She thought then that he hadn't wanted to see her at all. He'd arranged to meet her simply to find out what she knew about Catherine's- death. He was no better than the kids in her class.
His van was parked near the harbour. They walked down the steep lane to get to it. He put his arm around her.
She looked around anxiously in case some friend of her mother's should be out watching, but it was very dark, slightly milder with a damp mist in the air, and anyway there was no one about. Before he opened the van door for her he kissed her and, feeling an ache between her legs and the tightness in her breasts, she could remember why she'd dreamed about him since new year. But since that moment of panic in the pub she found it harder to delude herself. He didn't fancy her, did he? Not really. She'd just be another conquest. She pulled gently away.
'I should get back.'
'Yeah?' He stood for a moment, deciding whether he should push it and decided she wasn't worth it. The new clear-sighted Sally could see him weighing up the possibilities, coming down on the side of common sense. Better just get her back to Ravenswick without a fuss. She wasn't his type anyway. That, at least, was how Sally interpreted the small shrug, the resigned 'OK then, if you're sure:
They passed the bus just before the Ravenswick turn-off, near the old chapel. Without asking for directions Robert took the van slowly down the hill past Hillhead. Sally saw that the old man had pinned a sheet of cardboard up at the window. Perhaps he'd been bothered by people looking in.
'Where do you want me to leave you?' Robert said. 'By Catherine's house. That's where the bus stops and my mother will see it come down the hilclass="underline"
Was it a test? If so, he passed. 'I don't know where that is, do I?'
'Just here.'
He pulled in beside Euan Ross's car. 'Nice place,' he said.
More than anything in the world she didn't want to be talking now about Catherine, or Euan Ross. She didn't care if her mother saw her standing outside Catherine's house before the bus arrived. She opened the door of the van.
'Thanks for the lift:
He leaned across to kiss her, but she was already on her way out.
'Will I see you again?' This time, she couldn't tell from his voice what he really wanted.
'I'm sure we'll bump into each other: she said. 'A place like this..: Proud of herself for not being too eager and this time it wasn't a game. She didn't know What she wanted any more. Things weren't simple. For the first time since Catherine had died, she felt like weeping.
He didn't say anything. He pushed the van into gear and drove off. She stood shivering, staring up at the window of the room where once Catherine had slept, until the bus rattled down the hill.
Chapter Nineteen
At home that night, Sally kept thinking of the first time she'd met Robert. Really met him. Of course she'd known who he was and seen him about before that. Everyone knew who he was. His father was leader of the council and this year would be Guizer Jarl during the Up Helly Aa celebrations. Robert would be in his squad following close behind him in the procession. Everyone said Michael Isbister was a natural choice. A good man. Robert had talked about it and she knew he was proud of his father. Proud and a bit jealous. One day, he said, he'd be Jar!
himself. Imagine what it would be like, walking through the streets, all the folks looking at you.
She'd first met Robert to talk to, to touch, in the autumn at a dance in the hall to support some charity her father was working with. Something to do with rare plants. Or dolphins. It was always a cause like that where her father was concerned. She hadn't wanted to go. What would they say at school when they found out?
They didn't give her such a hard time now Catherine was on the scene, but even so, they could make her life pretty miserable. Her mother hadn't been keen either, but although you always thought of Margaret as being the strong one, when it came down to it her father usually got his way, and Margaret turned out anyway. In martyr mode.
Sally hadn't made much effort getting ready. She'd been wearing that dreadful dress her mother had bought her from the catalogue last Christmas. No make-up. She hadn't even bothered with concealer on her zits. And it had been as boring as she'd suspected it would be. A couple of old men sawing away on fiddles. A fat lass squeezing an accordion. The pooled supper. She'd eaten more than she should, couldn't help it. There'd been nothing else to do.
Then Robert had turned up. Slightly drunk obviously. Ready for a laugh. What would he have been doing there otherwise? It had been the first cold night of the season and every time the door of the hall opened a blast of cold air came in. And one of the blasts had blown in Robert, red-faced, laughing, with a couple of his mates. Big and beautiful like a huge Norse god. The old people hadn't liked it. She could hear them tutting about the state he was in, and what a shame it was letting his father down like that. But what could you expect, they said, the way his mother carried on.
She'd watched from her hard wooden chair, tilting it back to rest against the wall. Her parents were dancing, her mother enjoying herself despite all the moaning that had gone on beforehand, looking OK actually for her age. She was a good dancer, light on her feet, although she had a square, solid frame. A bar had been laid out at the end of the hall and that was where Robert ended up. Sally hadn't been drinking, though she'd been tempted to sneak one when her parents weren't looking. Her father looked over her mother's shoulder and smiled at her. Sally thought he seemed happy. She wished she understood him better and could tell what he was thinking. She smiled back briefly, but it was Robert she had her eyes on.