I could have continued to protest, but his sound reasoning and the loud rumbling of my stomach were my undoing. I offered a grateful smile as I took the food from him. He rose to his feet, studying the forest as he stretched. “I want to scope out the area, see if I can decide the best way to go.” My eyes shot to him, I paused with the apple halfway to my mouth. “I won’t be long, but now that you’re awake…”
His voice trailed off. All I could do was stare at him. Finally, I swallowed heavily and managed a small nod. We would be fine, he would be fine, but I couldn’t stop the overwhelming vulnerability that suffused me. “Of course. Yeah, I’ll keep watch.”
He watched me for a long moment. “I won’t be gone for long, no more than an hour.”
It was going to be a very long hour. “Stay safe.”
He flashed that charming, damn near heart stopping grin. “Always.”
I watched him go; worry filling me as he slipped from sight. He would be fine, I repeatedly told myself as I munched down the food and took a long drink of water. It was warm, but it was still delicious. I stood slowly and walked away from the others. The sun was starting to set, it would be dark soon, and we would be moving out again. I was stunned to realize that in the past few days we had become nocturnal. The only good thing was that I was once more aware of the wildlife as animals moved about the forest.
I walked a little further away, peering into the trees as two squirrels leapt eagerly through the branches. I smiled softly as I watched them jump and play, it was such a normal, everyday sight, and yet it meant so very much to me right now. I inhaled deeply, trying hard to just savor in this moment; I probably wouldn’t get many more like it any time soon.
When I turned back around I was startled to discover that Cade had returned. He moved with such stealth that I had not heard or sensed his approach. In the hour or so that he had been gone, he seemed to have regained some of his vigor. The color was back in his face; his mouth was not as tight. It must be the light, or perhaps I had merely imagined the exhaustion and tension enveloping him earlier. I had just woken up, after all I had still been groggy. I didn’t think that was the case, but whatever he had discovered while he been gone had definitely put some life back into him.
He was staring at me. His expression which was usually hard, and composed, was neither of those things. Now it was soft, lax, with a longing to it that left me breathless and trembling. I didn’t understand how just one look from him could have such a profound effect on me, but it did, and I found that in that brief moment it was enough to make me feel almost normal again. His smile was soft, warming, and so beautiful that I could not help but return it.
My attention was torn away from him as Abby began to stir, groaning softly as she stretched her arms and back. I sighed in resignation, not at all looking forward to the next leg of our journey, but knowing that we had to go. And soon. Abby sat up as Cade strode over and began to gently shake Jenna awake.
***
We struggled to clamor over top of the hill. As much physical activity as I had been doing lately, I was still panting for breath, and my legs were shaking by the time we reached the top. I rose to my full height, surveying the slope of the hill as it fell sharply toward the highway. I was struggling to just breathe through my mouth. It was not working though, the scent of garbage and rot was strong, repugnant, and inescapable in the hot sun of the humid day. None of us had wanted to make our way through the dump toward the highway; unfortunately it had seemed like the safest option, and we could move through the day instead of having to stop again. The awful stench of the trash would mask our scents, and make it difficult to follow us, if they did happen to track by scent. There were also numerous places to hide amongst the heaping mounds of awful refuge.
I had thought I was filthy and smelly before, it was nothing compared to now. Not to mention the gut wrenching, horrific bugs that we discovered amongst the overwhelming mounds of waste. What little food had been in my stomach was now gone. I continued to dry heave, but there was nothing left in me to lose. Abby had been crying softly, but she was now eerily silent. We were not so fortunate when it came to Jenna. She hadn’t stopped complaining since the moment we’d scaled the fence into the dump.
“I want to go home. I can’t… I can’t. I just want to go home.”
“You have to Jenna. There is no home to go to anymore,” Cade said softly, and not for the first time.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to break down and beg to go home too. I wanted to flee down the mound, bolt out of the dump, and breathe fresh air again. Though I was certain I was never going to get the stench scrubbed off of me, or rid myself of the squishy, crawly, creepy feeling of bugs climbing and slithering over me. I shuddered, my gaze traveled down the massive mound.
At least it was downhill from here.
Jenna began to cry again. Cade wrapped his arm around her shoulders, looking to soothe her, but it wasn’t working. “My parents,” she whimpered. I tore my attention away from the endless garbage. It was the first time she had mentioned them in a long time. There was so much sorrow in her voice, so much misery in her small body. Pain ripped through my heart, my throat burned with tears. “They’re probably dead.”
We had also lost our mother but Abby, Aiden, and I had survived such a loss before. It didn’t make the loss any easier, but we were better prepared to deal with it than Jenna or Bret. And now Jenna’s shock over this whole situation was wearing off, and in the middle of a massive pile of crap she was beginning to fall apart. She was starting to accept reality, and her grief was threatening to consume her. Unfortunately her breakdown threatened all of our lives.
“Shh Jenna, shush now, it’s ok,” Cade tried to soothe.
“It’s not ok!” she wailed. “It will never be ok again!”
Abby’s mahogany eyes widened, dirt and some weird ooze streaked her pale skin. Her lower lip trembled slightly, but tears did not fill her eyes. She straightened her delicate shoulders, pulling at the strap of her tattered tank top as it slid to the side. I gave Cade credit for the fact that he did not argue with Jenna, did not try to lie to her and tell her that it would be ok. We all knew that it more than likely wouldn’t.
Instead, Cade continued to comfort her as we struggled forward through the sucking, heaping, rotten mess beneath us. Abby made her way over to me, slipping her hand silently into mine. Jenna was weeping softly, her head buried against Cade’s chest, her shoulders shaking as they made their way forward.
I missed our mother, I wished things were different. I wished that we had been able to save her. I wished that we would have the chance to lay her to rest, and grieve for her the way that we had been able to grieve for our father. I couldn’t think about her remaining trapped beneath that rubble forever, it was too painful. It made me feel like a disappointment to her. But even more, I wished that Jenna didn’t have to know what it felt like to be lost, adrift, tossed about in the sea of mourning and anguish that opened upon losing a parent. We had never really liked each other, but the sorrow she was going through now was not something I would wish on my most hated enemy, even if I had one.
“One day Jenna, it will not hurt so bad.” Cade’s eyes met mine over top of Jenna’s head. They were not the same words he had uttered to me on that long ago day, but they were along the same lines. “One day the agony will not be so consuming.”
The words were true, but they did not hint at the gaping hole that the loss would leave behind. We stumbled, slid, slipped, and staggered our way down the garbage heap. I tried to use my shirt to cover my nose, it helped a little but the annoyance it caused was not worth the little aid it provided.