Even Theresa went, “I’m proud of you, Sam, for not dumping the paint over her head.”
Which made me realize I really have made a lot of progress this year, growing as a human being. Because last year, I definitely would have done that. Dumped the paint over Kris’s head, not her shoes.
Nobody bothered to ask why I’d done it. Accidentally on purpose kick paint all over the gym floor, I mean. Nobody except Lucy, I mean, who came fluttering into my room after dinner, while I was scowling at my German assignment.
“So,” she said, flopping down next to Manet on my bed, without waiting to be invited to do so. “What’s up with you and David?”
“Nothing,” I said, feeling a spurt of annoyance toward her. Don’t even ask me why. I mean, she’d been nothing but nice to me, what with the condom/foam thing, and all.
Probably it wasn’t Lucy I was annoyed with. Probably, I was the one I was annoyed with. Because I still hadn’t called David back. I just…
I just had no idea what to say to him.
“Well,” Lucy said, rolling over and staring at my ceiling, “then why are you avoiding his calls?”
I stared at her. “Who says I’m avoiding his calls?”
“It’s only all over school,” Lucy said, in a bored voice. “Wasn’t that why you got so mad and spilled the paint? Because Kris commented on it?”
“No,” I lied.
“Oh,” Lucy said with a little laugh. “Okay. Whatever.”
But she didn’t leave. She just lay there, playing with the fringe of hair over Manet’s eyes. I knew she’d try to braid it or, worse, put it in tiny butterfly barrettes. I hate when she does that. Sheepdogs have hair in their face for a reason. Their eyes are very sensitive to light.
I looked at Lucy as she finger-combed Manet’s bangs into a fauxhawk. The thing is, Lucy does have some experience in the boy arena. There was a chance—just a slight one, but a chance all the same—that she might know how to help. After all, she’d been in my same shoes, once.
I swung my German book closed.
“It’s just,” I said, sitting up, “I don’t know. I mean, I want to Do It with him, and all. But what if…”
Lucy let go of Manet’s fur and shifted so that she was propping her head up on Manet’s side. Manet didn’t appear to notice. “What if…what?”
“What if, like…I don’t like it?”
“Well, have you been practicing?” Lucy asked.
I stared down at her. “Practicing? Practicing what?”
“Making love,” Lucy said. “Look, it’s easy. Get in the bathtub. Turn the water on. Scoot down to the end of the tub, until your you-know-what is under the running water. Then pretend the water is the guy, and let it—”
“OH MY GOD.”
Lucy blinked up at me. “What?” She looked totally surprised that I should be so shocked. “You haven’t tried it? Dude, it totally works.”
“LUCY!” I practically screamed. Loud enough, anyway, that Manet lifted his head and looked around sleepily.
“What?” Lucy asked, again. “There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“THAT is why you’re always in the bathtub so long?” I croaked.
“Sure,” Lucy said. “What’d you think I was doing in there?”
“Not THAT,” I said. “I thought you were…I don’t know. BATHING. And reading those romance novels of yours.”
“Well, that, too,” Lucy said. “They totally help, you know. Some of them are really descriptive. Although thinking about Orlando Bloom is supposed to help, too. While you’re letting the water do its work. Orlando doesn’t do it for me. But I hear he works for a lot of other girls.”
I couldn’t stop staring at her. “THIS is what you guys talk about at the popular table in the lunch room? Who you think about while you’re—under the faucet?”
“Not at the lunch table, silly,” Lucy said with a laugh. “I mean, there are guys there. Guys don’t want to hear that you think about anything but them. Believe me. But when there aren’t guys around, yeah, we talk about this kind of stuff. I think Tiffany Shore was the first one to figure it out. She read about it in Cosmo. She uses a handheld shower nozzle instead, though.”
“OH MY GOD!” I yelled, again.
Lucy looked surprised at my outburst. “Well,” she said, “girls aren’t like guys. We aren’t born knowing how to Do It. And you can’t leave it up to the guy. Most of them couldn’t care less about whether or not YOU get anything out of it. It’s really every girl for herself out there. That’s why practice is so important. Also, getting into the right mindset. That’s why I usually think about that guy from The Count of Monte Cristo—”
“Jim Caviezel?” I interrupted, more horrified than ever.
“Yeah. He’s so hot.”
I could not believe I was even having this conversation.
My incredulity must have shown on my face, since Lucy added, “Come on, Sam. You can’t expect a guy to know what to do to make you have an orgasm. You have to do it yourself. At least until you can teach him how.”
This was all news to me.
“Did you teach Jack?” I wanted to know. Because I couldn’t believe Jack had ever let anyone teach him anything. Even Lucy. I mean, he basically thinks he knows it all.
“Jack?” Lucy got a funny look on her face all of a sudden. Funny like she was going to cry.
Really. Just like that. Just from hearing his name.
And then, next thing I knew, she’d buried her face in Manet’s thick gray and white fur.
“Lucy?” Alarmed, I reached out and touched her shoulder. “Are you okay? Are you…are you sick, or something?”
“Yes, I’m sick,” Lucy said, into Manet’s hipbone. “Sick of that name.”
I blinked down at her. Name? What name? Jack’s name?
“Did something happen?” I asked her worriedly. “Between you and Jack?”
Even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized how stupid they sounded. Obviously something had happened between her and Jack. Had he found some other girl, some college girl?
Of course not. Jack was besotted with Lucy. He would never cheat on her! So what was wrong?
I gasped, remembering what Dad had said in the living room the other night. What if Mom had finally let Dad have his way, and he’d forbidden Lucy from seeing Jack? And what if Lucy was planning on running away with him, tonight, on the back of his motorcycle, like Daryl Hannah and Aidan Quinn in that movie Reckless I saw on the Romance Channel? Oh my God, Lucy’s even a cheerleader, like that character Daryl played! And Jack has a leather jacket, just like the guy Aidan played!
But where are they going to live if they run off together? They have no money. Lucy doesn’t even have her job at Bare Essentials anymore! They’ll have to live—
IN A TRAILER PARK.
LIKE DARYL AND SHARONA.
“Lucy,” I said, tightening my grip on her shoulder, “you can’t run off with Jack. You can’t live in a trailer park. They get hit by tornadoes all the time.”
Lucy lifted her face from Manet’s fur and squinted at me through tear-swollen eyes. “Run off with Jack? I’m not going to run off with Jack. I’m not even going out with him anymore. I Instant Messaged him last week that we were over.”
My mouth fell open. “WHAT?”
“You heard me.” Lucy finally sat up, and I saw the gleaming tracks her tears had made down her cheeks. Not so amazingly, she still looked pretty, even with random strands of dog hair stuck to the tear tracks on her face.
There really is no justice in the world.
“You broke up with Jack?” I felt as if my brain were melting. “Through Instant Messaging?”
“Yeah,” Lucy said, picking fur from her face. “So what?”
“Well, I mean, isn’t that…” How could she not know this? “Isn’t that kind of…cold?”
“I don’t care,” Lucy said with a sniffle. “I couldn’t take his pathetic whining a second longer. He was suffocating me. I mean, he’s in college. You think he’d get a life, instead of wanting to come back here all the time and bug me.”