Glancing toward the ICU door, I swallowed. I felt like a giant phony, waiting at the hospital like I had a right to be here. Renee seemed to appreciate it so much, though, and even Marcus looked happy to see me.
I couldn’t understand it at first. Then Shanda pointed out that I was more than someone to sit with in the waiting room. I was a living, breathing tie to their son.
It was a lot of pressure.
Now I found myself walking into Farell’s room, wondering why the hell I was putting myself through this. He lay on the bed, hardly looking like himself. Between the bruises, the tubes, and the casts, he could’ve been an extra on a hospital drama.
His eyes opened as I sat beside him carefully.
“Darcy?” he asked in a rough, painful whisper. “Are you really here? I’ve been having dreams . . .”
“It’s me,” I said, blinking back tears. Fuck. I still cared about him—I’d come to that unwelcome realization after the second day of sitting in the hospital. Guess that’s one of life’s little jokes.
Feelings don’t just turn off.
“I talked to Bryce earlier,” he said. “I don’t remember graduation at all, or the accident. Dad told me Allie Stockwell is dead”—his voice broke—“and that I was driving the car. I killed her, Darcy. I was drunk.”
I cleared my throat, blinking rapidly.
“Yeah, that’s what happened.”
“He also told me we broke up right before it happened. I don’t remember any of this.”
I reached for a tissue, wiping at my eyes.
“Let’s not talk about that right now.”
“No,” he said, and while his voice was weak, his gaze on my face was strong. “Tell me. I need to know what happened. Nobody will tell me anything. They’re all trying to protect me, but I really need to know what I did.”
I sighed, then nodded my head.
“We were at the party, you know that much,’’ I started. “You’d had a lot to drink. Everyone was just hanging out and after a while I lost track of you. Finally I went into the trees with Shanda to pee. On the way back we found you and Allie having sex.”
Saying the words hurt.
“When you came back, I broke up with you and left the party. Colby said you kept drinking more, then you and Allie left in Greg Krafft’s truck and crashed it. Greg said he tried to stop you but you wouldn’t listen.”
Farell’s eyes blinked rapidly, turning red.
“I’m so sorry,’’ he whispered. “I don’t know what happened, Darcy. They say I probably won’t ever remember that night. I never meant to hurt Allie—I didn’t even know her that well. And I can’t think of any reason that I’d want to cheat on you. I love you.”
The words hung heavy between us—what was he expecting from me?
“I slept with Riley Boone,” I blurted out suddenly, feeling my stomach clench. “After you and I fought, we went off and had sex.”
Farell’s eyes widened, and I saw a flash of hurt.
“I guess I don’t get to complain about that,” he whispered. “Does . . . does this mean it’s done between us?”
I felt a bittersweet pang. I’d loved him, or I thought I had.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about Boonie, either.
“I don’t know,’’ I said finally. “Boonie left for basic training. He says he wants to stay in touch.”
Farell grimaced. “Where does that leave us?’’
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I guess we just take things one day at a time.”
“I love you, Darcy. However this works out, I want you to know that wasn’t a lie. I fucked up, and I have no idea why I did it. I’ll never forgive myself for what happened to Allie.”
“Were you sleeping with her all along?” I asked. Farell met my gaze head on, his face anguished. The silence hung between us, punctuated only by the hum of the machines surrounding him.
“No,” he said finally. “It’s always been you, Darcy. You’re the one I love. But right now I’m really fucking scared.”
He tried to shift his arm to take my hand, a tear running down his face. Leaning over, I wrapped my fingers around his.
“They’re taking good care of you,’’ I whispered.
“It doesn’t matter,” he replied, his voice breaking. “The doctor said I’ll probably never walk again. It’s over, Darce. All of it. My whole life is over. I don’t even have you anymore—I’ve lost everything.”
His expression was so sad, so desperate. I couldn’t leave him like this—so what if we weren’t together anymore. I could be his friend, right? Taking a deep breath, I smiled at him.
“It’s not over, Farell—I still care about you. So things have changed and that’s hard, but you can’t give up, okay? It’s not time to give up.”
He squeezed my hand.
“You promise?”
“Yeah, I promise.”
_______
July 20
Dear Boonie，
I’m glad to hear training is going well. Things are weird here in Callup. Everyone looks at me and whispers . . . I’d forgotten how they used to do that, before Farell and I started dating. Now they don’t know what to make of the situation. Everything went crazy that night and it’s still not right. Maybe it never will be.
As for me, I think about our time together a lot. I’m sort of embarrassed to write this, but I hope you know what I mean when I say I wish you were here.
One thing I need to tell you—Renee Evans asked me to come by sometimes and help out once Farell comes home. It looks like he’ll be on house arrest or probation for a long time (they’re still talking to the prosecutors) but the judge is a family friend, so he’s probably not looking at jail time. I think they figure he already paid for what he did, since he’s paralyzed (and you know how this stuff goes in the valley anyway). I heard they gave Allie’s family a lot of money but nobody knows for sure. I hope you are okay.
Take care,
Darcy
_______
October 1
Dear Boonie，
I hope you’re feeling better now. Sucks that you got sick, but at least you still managed to graduate training. I was so disappointed you couldn’t make it up to Callup on leave, tho. So far senior year isn’t bad. Renee hired me to come after school and help take care of Farell, officially. Now that school started I couldn’t help and still work, so this was a good solution for everyone. We got official word—he’s not looking at jail time. Lots of probation, community service, all that. He’s doing better now, too. Up and moving around in the wheelchair. They’ve been renovating the house to make everything work.
I still think about you a lot, and I’m sorry that when you tried to call the phone didn’t work. They turned it off after Dad ran up the bill. Mom and Dad had a huge fight over it. I guess I’m out of luck, unless you want to call me at Farell’s house. That might be kind of weird because I told him about us.
Have you found out yet whether you’ll have leave at Christmas? I know you aren’t real close with your mom, but I’d really like to see you.
Hang in there，
Darcy
_______
January 15