He looked around and lowered his voice. “Can I ask what happened?”
I simply shook my head no. Thankfully, he didn’t push it.
My shift that night was excruciating. I couldn’t go two minutes without looking down the hallway to see if Rush was going to come out of his office. He never did. I even passed by a few times and placed my ear on the door to see if I could hear anything. And nothing. I was starting to think that maybe he’d snuck out during one of the few times I was too preoccupied to notice.
At the end of the night, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had cash to put in the safe, so I figured that was a good ‘official’ excuse to enter his office.
When I opened the door with the money in hand, the lights were off. I assumed he’d left until his voice shook me to my core.
“Who’s there?”
I froze. “It’s me. I have cash for the safe.”
“Leave it on the desk,” he demanded coldly.
I stood there in the dark. The door was halfway open, so the only light streaming into the room was from the hallway.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked.
“No.”
The pain in his voice was palpable. I wanted so badly to approach him, to hold him, but I knew that wasn’t an option. I knew he’d push me away. So I stayed where I was near the door.
“I know you’re not ready to talk to me. But I need you to know that I fully intended to tell you. I was still absorbing it myself. I’m so sorry you had to find out through him. I would do anything to take that back. I—”
“Gia…” His curt tone sliced through me. “I can’t do this right now. Do you understand? I wish I was stronger for you, but right now, I’m just not.” He repeated, “I can’t do this.”
Tears were starting to form in my eyes. “What can I do? Please tell me,” I begged. “I’ll do anything.”
He was raking his hands through his hair over and over. I hated to think where those hands had been last night.
“You can’t, Gia,” he finally said. “There is nothing you can do to change this. I just need time.”
“Time for what? Is there even a decision to make?”
“I don’t know. Like I said…I just can’t…”
I wanted to ask him where he was last night and who that woman was, but I refrained even though my curiosity was killing me. It was neither the time nor place to bring even more drama into an already fucked-up situation. He was hurting, and that was what was important, not my feelings of jealousy.
“Rush, I’m going through the same pain that you are.”
“I know that. And I wish I could be there for you. I know this isn’t easy for you, either. But Gia, I’m ready to fucking kill someone. I can’t control my anger right now and it’s just best if…” His words dropped off. I couldn’t see him clearly, but his shoulders shook. I was pretty sure he was crying.
My heart was breaking. I loved this man with all of my being. To watch him cry and not be able to do anything about it – and to know I had caused it – was just about the most painful feeling I’d ever experienced. I was afraid I’d make it worse if I touched him, and I refused to cause him any more pain.
After some silence where I just listened to him breathe, he finally said, “I just can’t handle talking about this until my head is on straight again.”
I wiped my eyes. “Okay.” I walked over to the desk and placed the money down. Clenching my fists, I once again had to restrain myself from reaching for him. I walked back toward the door but lingered there.
His next words really caught me off guard. “I need to leave town for a while.”
My heartbeat sped up.
He was leaving?
My eyes widened. “Leave town?”
“Yes.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know yet—somewhere to try to clear my head. I’m leaving Oak in charge of The Heights.”
“Will you keep in touch while you’re away?”
“Don’t worry about me. Just take care of yourself…and the baby.”
Should I have been pushing harder to break through the walls he’d put up? My gut told me that there was nothing I could do to stop him, that there was no way to solve this through talking. I didn’t want to push him over the edge. So I decided to give him the time and space to deal with this. My heart was telling me to let him go.
So that’s exactly what I did.
6
Everyone was long gone, and I was still sitting in my dark office.
I was glad she listened to me and left, because I seriously couldn’t handle being around her yet.
I still loved her so much. That never changed for one second. I just didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling, couldn’t articulate my pain. And I certainly couldn’t make any decisions about my future in this state of mind.
The truth was, I had no idea where to go from here. As much as I felt like I could never abandon Gia, I also felt like I might never be able to accept things as they were.
Accepting the baby as my own when its father was a faceless, nameless phantom was one thing.
Accepting the baby as my own knowing that the father is my own brother—arguably my biggest enemy—was a completely different story.
The fact that I couldn’t force myself to stay and deal with this was pissing me the fuck off. I’d never been one to run away from my problems. But it just felt like the only option right now. My anger ran too deep to be around her, and I sure as hell needed to be far enough away from Elliott for a while to curb my murderous urges.
It was the middle of the night now as I forced myself out of my chair and out to the parking lot. My plan was to get some shut-eye then pack a bag in the morning and go wherever the wind took me.
Halfway home, my phone rang. I assumed it was Gia calling to check on me.
But it wasn’t.
The name on the caller ID was definitely not who I was expecting.
Beth.
Beth?
Beth was my best friend growing up, until I ruined things by sleeping with her. We still kept in touch from time to time after she moved to Arizona, but why would she be calling me at this time of night? Very odd.
I picked up. “Beth?”
“Heath. I’m sorry to be calling you so late.”
“What’s up?”
There was a long pause before she said, “My dad. Heath…he died today. It just happened earlier tonight. He collapsed after dinner in front of the television. Massive heart attack. I’ve been calling all of our friends and family.”
“Oh my God.” I immediately pulled over onto a dirt road and placed my hand on my forehead.
“Are you okay?”
“We’re all pretty shaken up. I think I’m just still in shock. It happened so fast.”
“How’s your mother?”
“Devastated.”
Beth’s dad, Pat, had been like a father to me growing up. This news was jarring and couldn’t have come at a worse time. I’d already felt like my world had completely fallen apart, but apparently there was still room for more devastation.
“Shit, Beth. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.”
“I figured you’d want to know. You guys were so close at one time. And I know he’d want me to reach out to you.”
“I wish I even had the right words right now. Nothing I can say is gonna help.”
She was crying. “Just hearing your voice helps.”
“When is the service?”
“We haven’t gotten that far yet, but probably sometime in the next few days.”
Suddenly, I didn’t have to wonder where I was going anymore.
I was headed to Arizona.
It felt surreal walking into the funeral home and seeing Pat Hurley lying there in a coffin. I hadn’t seen him in years but we always kept in touch, mainly during the holidays. Now I was feeling guilty that we hadn’t communicated more. I would regret not calling him more often for as long as I lived.
As a kid with no father around, you appreciated attention from adult males more than average; yearned for it, even. Pat knew I needed guidance, and he became that father figure to me.