“Oak told me that’s where you’ve been.”
“He did, did he?”
“I know you didn’t want me to know where you were. He accidentally let it slip.”
God, I couldn’t stop staring at him. I wanted nothing more than for him to touch me, hold me, kiss me…anything. I couldn’t recall my physical need for him ever being as strong as it was in this moment. I would have been completely fine with forgetting about things for a night and just going inside my place and taking all of our frustrations out on each other. But of course, that was fantasy; the hard stare aimed at me right now was reality.
“It wasn’t that I didn’t want you to know. Where I was in relation to me and you is irrelevant. I needed to get away, get into a different headspace that wasn’t based on anger. And I needed to do that apart from you. Unfortunately, Pat died in the midst of it, and my being away became mostly about mourning him and only partly about clearing my head.”
I continued staring at him, my body profoundly aware of his presence, yearning for him to touch me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, I am. His death definitely knocked the wind out of me, though.” He looked down at my stomach, then back up at me. “Are you alright?”
I shrugged. “Hanging in there.”
He looked at all of the items still strewn on the table. “Why are you selling this stuff?”
“It’s almost the end of the summer, and we’ve all accumulated a lot of junk. Plus, I needed to downsize.”
Rush sucked in his cheeks. “Downsize? Sounds like I wasn’t the only one who did a lot of thinking while I was gone.”
I looked down and nodded. “I’ve decided to move back to Queens.”
“And your mind’s made up…just like that? No discussion?”
“I need to do what’s best for us.” My hand automatically went to my belly. I’d been doing that a lot lately—rubbing and not even realizing I was doing it.
“And that’s running away? Because fucking running away solves everything, right?” he said bitterly.
“I’m not running away. I’m just doing what I feel I need to at this point in time.”
We stared at each other. After a long time, I took a deep breath and said, “Can you tell me you want to be with me? That you can accept the hand we’ve been dealt and move on?”
His face had been hard, revealing his anger at hearing about me downsizing in anticipation of my move back. But when I asked that question, his features softened. That told me his answer: he felt bad that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me to stay with him. The trip might’ve done him some personal good, but apparently the internal debate he’d been having didn’t come out in my favor.
Rush looked down. “I wish I could, Gia. I wish I could.”
I sat out front with the unsold goods until long after dark. When Rush left hours ago, I took a seat in a beach chair that I should’ve been trying to sell and didn’t get back out of it. If someone had a question, I answered from the chair, not even bothering to get up. If they wanted to pay, they had to bring me the cash. His short visit had drained all of my energy.
It took everything in me to force myself to get up and pack everything that hadn’t sold. Most of the stuff I just tossed into boxes, figuring tomorrow I’d sort out which of my roommates had given it to me to sell. I folded the tables and dragged the bigger stuff into the garage.
I wanted nothing more than to plop down on my bed, but I’d been sitting in the sun outside all day, and then dragged the boxes in while it was humid tonight, so I was pretty sure that I could use a shower.
In the bathroom while I undressed, I noticed a little spotting in my underwear. That had happened to me before, and my doctor had said as long as it was light, it wasn’t that unusual. So I tried not to get alarmed, even though it sort of freaked me out. But after I washed my hair, I looked down and noticed that the water running down my leg had a pinkish tint to it.
Scared, I rinsed off and grabbed my cell phone, calling the doctor while dripping in the shower stall. It was late, so an answering service picked up and said that the doctor would call me back. By the time I dried off and wrapped myself in a towel, my cell was already ringing.
“Hi, Dr. Daniels. Thank you for calling back so quickly.”
“What’s going on, Gia? The service said you’re having some bleeding? Is there any cramping with it?”
“No. No cramping. I had a little spotting and then when I went in the shower, I noticed the color of the water coming down my leg was pink.”
“Did you do anything out of the ordinary today in terms of exertion? Any heavy lifting or anything?
“I moved some boxes around…but I didn’t really do that much lifting. I mostly just dragged things.” God, I hope my stupid tag sale didn’t hurt the baby.
“Okay. Well, one drop of blood can turn a good amount of water pink. And a small amount of spotting is somewhat common, especially early on. So don’t get yourself too frantic over it. But we should probably bring you in to get checked out. My office is closed, so why don’t you meet me over at South Hampton Hospital in about an hour? Go to the Emergency Room, and just tell the nurse that you’re meeting me. She’ll set you up with an outpatient admission and check your vitals if you get there before I do.”
“Okay, Dr. Daniels. Thank you. I’ll see you soon.”
As soon as I hung up, I raced around like a lunatic to get dressed, even though the hospital was only a ten-minute drive. He’d said not to panic, but that was as good as telling an ice cube not to melt in the sun.
After I was dressed, I picked up my cell to call Rush. My finger hovered over his name in my contacts, and then I remembered Rush and I…we weren’t…whatever we were anymore. I needed to do this alone. But I was also afraid to drive, in the off chance that the bleeding became heavier.
So instead, I dialed Riley.
“Hey. Where are you?”
“I’m on my way home from a beach volleyball tournament. About three blocks away from the house. Why? What’s up? Do you need something? Some ice cream and pickles, maybe?” she teased.
“No. I need a ride to the Emergency Room.”
“Everything seems fine.” Dr. Daniels snapped off his rubber gloves and stood at the end of the exam table.
I took my feet out of the stirrups and sat up. “So the bleeding is normal, then?”
“The normal production of hormones when you’re pregnant can sometimes cause changes to your cervix, making it softer, and on occasion more prone to bleeding. You’re actually still spotting a little, so I’m inclined to say that’s all it is. If it were a larger amount of blood, I’d be more concerned. Your sonogram looks okay, but I’m troubled by your blood pressure. It’s a little on the high side tonight.”
“I’m really nervous…and…I had some stress today.”
“I’m sure that’s all it is. I bet it comes down naturally within a few hours. But because it’s a little high and you’ve had some spotting, I’m going to admit you overnight for monitoring. Just as a precaution. The chances of a miscarriage are slim, but it’s best you stay since you’re already here.”
I was glad he didn’t check my blood pressure again because the moment he mentioned miscarriage and admitting me, my heart started to race. No doubt my blood pressure would be speeding up to match.
Dr. Daniels went to talk to the nurse and sent Riley in to visit.
“Are you okay? The doctor said you’re staying.”
“Yeah. He said it’s just a precaution.”
She searched my face and took my hand. “You look nervous.”
I forced a smile. “I am. I feel so helpless. And I’m so mad at myself for doing that tag sale today.”
Her eyes widened. “He said the tag sale caused this?”
“No. But he asked if I’d lifted any boxes. I hadn’t really lifted any heavy ones, because I know I’m not supposed to. But I did shuffle things around a lot.”