Oh, Rush. You’re killing me here.
My heart was breaking because a part of me knew that this might be the only way I could ever experience this with him.
The next day, I sat in my father’s living room in Queens and watched the man who was my hero, my strength, break down in front of me.
All of the lights were off. We hadn’t even noticed when daylight ended and never bothered to turn them on. I’d never seen my father cry—until now. And to think that I had caused it. This was just a prelude to the feelings of pain I would be experiencing soon.
For the past hour, I’d not only told him I was pregnant but ended up confessing the unthinkable situation I’d gotten myself into with Rush’s brother.
“Say something,” I said to him. My father was just sitting there in his NYPD uniform for the longest time with his head between his hands.
He finally spoke. “I just feel so badly for you, honey. I don’t know what to say that’s going to make you feel better. You’re just going to have to go through all of this. And you have to face Rush.”
“You’re not mad at me? Because I feel like I’ve completely disappointed you.”
“Mad? No. A little sad, maybe. I know this is going to make your life a lot more difficult. And I honestly wish I had a solution on how to handle Rush, but I just don’t. You have to tell him. And you need to do it soon.”
The thought of that filled me with dread as I whispered, “I know.” I lay my head down on a pillow.
“I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with everything when Rush is gone. He’s been such a source of strength for me.”
My father got up and poured us each a glass of water.
He sat back down next to me and said, “Let me tell you a story about your mother that you don’t know.”
I sat up and gulped down some of the water. “Alright…”
“Even from the beginning, when she was pregnant with you, I always had a strange inkling that she might not stick around. Don’t ask me how I knew…it was intuition, maybe. She just wasn’t cut out
for parenting. And you know…I was scared shitless when I found out about you, too, in the beginning. Terrified, even. But, baby girl, when you came out and I took one look at your face…all of that fear, it transformed into something different. The fear was no longer about whether or not I could love you. It was about protecting you, keeping you safe because I loved you so very much. I still do.”
“Thank you, Dad.”
“But here’s the thing…I quickly learned that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you and that I really didn’t need anyone else. The strength was within me all along. You brought it out in me.
And I know that no matter how hard this seems, you have the same strength in you. You don’t need Rush or anyone. You will be okay, Gia. Your son or daughter will be okay, too. And he or she will help you find that strength.”
“I hope so. I hope you’re right.”
“But you know what else you have that I didn’t?”
I wiped my eyes. “What?”
“You have me. I’ll help you, okay? Even if I have to retire a little earlier than planned…I’ll make sure you and my grandkid will be okay. So don’t be scared.”
Raising my voice, I said, “It’s not your responsibility.”
“You are my responsibility, my purpose. You always will be. I don’t care how old you are.”
Tears were pouring down my face. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me to have your support. I’ve been so scared to tell you. And now with the latest news…I was just so ashamed.”
“Don’t ever be ashamed to talk to me. You can tell me anything. I’m glad you didn’t wait any longer.” He placed his hand on mine. “Do you want me to come with you when you tell Rush?”
It was nice of him to offer, but it wouldn’t have helped. “No. I have to face this on my own.”
“I really like him, Gia. He seems like a really good guy. I hate that this happened.”
“You know one of the things I love about Rush…is that he makes me feel protected like you always do. I know that if this hadn’t happened, he would have been the best father to this child, whether he realizes it or not. It wouldn’t matter that it wasn’t his; this baby would’ve become his in every sense of the word.”
“You’re talking about things like there is no chance of him sticking around.”
I refused to allow myself to feel hopeful. “Do you really think he could possibly handle this?”
Dad let out a long breath and pondered my question. “I think it’s going to be very difficult for him.
Very difficult. And it’s gonna take a long time to absorb. But I wouldn’t disregard his feelings for you. And I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of ending up with him. The bottom line is…you didn’t
know about his brother. He can’t blame you…because you just didn’t know. You didn’t choose this.”
I hated that he was trying to get my hopes up because my gut told me there was no way in hell Rush could ever accept this scenario.
“I wouldn’t be able to handle it if the situation were reversed. If I had a sister and he’d gotten her pregnant, there would be no way I could raise that baby. It would just be too painful. So I shouldn’t expect him to accept it, either.” I sniffled and wiped my eyes again. “You know…I thought my biggest problem was the pregnancy…but I’ve been growing accustomed to the idea of motherhood, even getting excited over it. And that was all because of him…because I had his support. This twist of fate blindsided me, and now…I just can’t see the future anymore at all, at least not one that includes him in it.”
He pulled me into his arms. “You can’t live like this. Promise me you’ll tell him as soon as you get back. Get it over with, Gia. It’s not going to get any easier.”
It was dark and raining on the ride home. Appropriate weather for my mood. Rush had rented me a reliable vehicle again for my ride to the City. I dialed him from the car on the way home.
He picked up. “Hey, baby. Are you on the road? You shouldn’t be talking when you’re driving.”
“I have you on speaker. It’s okay.”
“It’s raining there, huh?”
“Yeah. Pretty heavily.”
“Be careful.”
“I will. Don’t worry.”
“How did the visit with your dad go?”
I exhaled. “Surprisingly good, actually.”
“He took the news okay?”
“Yeah…as well as could be expected.”
“God, that’s a relief. Must be a load off your chest.”
If he only knew the weight of the load on my chest right now. Talking to my father had just made the burden heavier since he told me not to wait to tell Rush. I closed my eyes briefly to curb the tears that were forming. If only telling my father about the pregnancy was the only hurdle I had to get through this week.
“You want me to come over tonight or are you tired?” he asked.
“I think I’m gonna go straight to bed. I’m super exhausted.”
“Be careful driving if you’re sleepy. Pull over if you have to. Get a hotel. I’ll give you my credit card. I don’t want you to—”
“Rush…” I interrupted.
“Yeah…”
I forced the words out. “There’s something I need to talk to you about. Tomorrow. It’s too late tonight, but can you come over after work?”
He sounded alarmed. “What’s going on, Gia?”
“I can’t talk about it over the phone, okay? I love you, Rush. It has nothing to do with my feelings for you or anything. Just something important.”
“I’m supposed to be heading into the City for a business meeting tomorrow. Want me to cancel it?”
“No.” I insisted, needing as much time as possible to prepare. “Don’t do that. Just come over right after. Okay?”
There was a long moment of silence before he answered, “Okay.”
Nothing was going to ruin my mood today.
4
I waited for the woman behind the counter to finish her phone call and looked around at the portraits hanging on the wall. If stumbling onto this place hadn’t been a sign from up above, I didn’t know what was.