CHAPT ER EIGHT
Kadence
“So, what do you think he has planned?” Holly asks from my bed as I proceed to tear my closet apart. Both babies are sleeping: Low, in her crib, and X sleeping in the pack ‘n play next to Holly. Z is over at a friend’s house. Holly came over for lunch when I received the text from Nix telling me we have a date on Valentine’s Day. At first, I was shocked. Nix hasn’t spoken to me like that in months. His alpha-way of getting his point across has always been a weakness of mine, and reading it in his message, I could just hear his voice demanding that come Valentine’s Day, I will be his. Insecurities or not, the way things have been between us these last few months had me jumping off the sofa and running straight to my closet at just the idea of a date
“Dinner? I don’t know.” I shrug, still not finding anything decent to wear. “I won’t be going anywhere if I don’t find anything.”
“Oh, please. Have you seen your closet?”
“Oh, please. Have you seen my ass?” I counter, throwing a pair of jeans over my head.
“Jesus, did your ass ever fit into these?” Holly laughs when I growl. “Come on, Kadence, you look great.”
“Doesn’t change the fact nothing fits.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
I roll my eyes as Holly holds my small jeans against her. “I say, forget stressing over the clothes. Let’s talk about the lingerie.”
“Oh, God. No. I’m not even looking in that drawer.”
“Why not?”
“Holly, nothing I own will cover my boobs.”
“Even better,” she smiles, bouncing her brows.
“I wish I was like you.” I drag my ass over to the bed and flop down.
“Kadence, I don’t know what the issue is. You had a baby. It doesn’t change anything. Nix still likes playing hide the salami.” I give her a look telling her there has been no hiding of any one’s salami.
“What is that look? You’ve had sex, right?” She drops the jeans, eyeing me closer. Well, there’s no point lying.
“No.”
“WHAT?” she shouts, stirring X for a moment.
“What?” I answer back.
“Kadence, what the hell is going on? How long has it been?”
“What, five months?” I shrug as if it’s no big deal.
“Don’t you dare lie to me.” She crosses her arms, waiting for the truth.
“Ughhh,” I groan, hating that I can’t lie straight. “Fine. Eight months.”
“Fuck, no wonder you’re a—” I don’t let her finish.
“A what?”
“Kadence, you have Nix, Nix fucking Knight in your bed every night, and you just shrug like it’s no big deal?”
“Well, there’s been a few things happening,” I snap. A part of me agrees with her, but I can’t help feeling defensive.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” She moves toward me, awkwardness growing in the air. “You’re feeling good now, right?”
“Yeah, we’re in a good place. Low is good. She’s doing really well. It’s been so long. I just don’t know what’s happening. Every time we try, I tense. Nix freaks out and then the moment’s over.”
“Oh, God, girl. You need help.”
“I know.”
“So what’s the issue?”
“I don’t know. I freak out about my body. Maybe he won’t find me attractive. I know he loves me, Holly, but I can’t control what I feel inside. I’ve tried.”
“Kadence, you’re so messed up.”
I look up at her, shocked she would throw that back at me.
“Oh, God, not like that,” she rushes out, and I smile carefully. Only she would put her foot in her mouth.
“I know it’s messed up. I just don’t know how to fix it. I can’t relax enough. It’s just too much pressure.”
“I understand pressure, Kadence. When Sy and I first had sex after losing the baby, it was after a long build-up of sexual tension. I get your insecurities. I do. But Nix is your husband. Trust me. He’s not looking at you thinking your thighs are thicker. He doesn't count your stretchmarks, nor is he worried that your boobs are bigger. Okay, he is totally loving your boobs, but that’s not the point. He’s looking at his wife, the mother of his child. He loves you, Kadence."
“It’s more than all those things, Holly. I feel like it’s bigger than that. What if we can’t come back? What if we’re not those people anymore?”
“Why are you talking like you’re not the same person, Kadence?” she snaps. Her frustration isn't lost on me; I've seen the same look on Nix's face.
“Because I’m not, Holly. I'll never be that person again.”
“Are you sure? 'Cause the Kadence I know is still sitting in front of me. She might be scared, hell, even a little uptight, but she’s there. Don’t try to deny it. I’ve watched Nix bring you to your highest, hold you in your darkest, save you from your lowest and he has never faltered. He has never looked away, or said it was too hard. Your man worships you. How can you not see this? Open your eyes, woman. You are here. You are here and you are living it.”
She’s right. I do know this. Jesus, I live this. Maybe I just needed to hear it from a different perspective. Yeah, my body has changed, but it wasn’t perfect to begin with. The way Nix looks at me should be enough to prove how much he wants me, but I guess the last few months I lost a lot more than I thought I did.
“You’re right. I know that man loves me, Holly, but I’m afraid I’ve pushed him too hard, for too long.” I wipe at my face in anger, my tears failing to wash me clean of any wrongdoing. We’ve come so far. I know that connection we’ve always had isn’t lost. It’s just sitting hidden; hidden under my insecurities, under my own doubt. I’m the one holding back. How could I ever doubt Nix?
“Well, lucky for you, you’re married to Nix Knight, and you could probably push him off a cliff and he’ll come right back.”
I smile at her analogy because I know she’s right. Nix has proven himself over and over.
“Now, come on. We need a full makeover and we need to clean the cobwebs.”
“What cobwebs?” I ask, taking a steady breath. I’m ready to do whatever I need to do in order to reclaim my man.
“From your vagina, Kadence.”
I laugh at her forwardness but don’t argue, because I agree. I need this. I need to let go, to help us get back to where we were.
“Okay, let’s do this.” I nod, ready for Holly’s expertise.
“Good. Now show me this lingerie.” She moves back to the bed with her own smile on her face. “I want to see boob. Lots of boob.” Her laugh almost wakes X, and still I don’t argue. I follow her orders, praying her confidence pays off.
Dear God, it better. I have a date with my husband.
With Nix Knight, President of the Knights Rebels.
God, I’ve missed that man. I think I should stop trying to push him off the cliff.
***
“Hey, baby,” Nix whispers as he climbs in bed behind me. “Did you get my text?”
“Yeah,” I yawn, turning to face him. “What time is it?”
“Just after two.”
“Everything okay?”
“Fuckin’ shit goin’ down. Club business.”
“Anything I need to know?” I ask, knowing he hates talking shop, but he will share if he thinks I need to know.
“Beau brought a woman and kid to the clubhouse yesterday.” He rests his head back against the headboard.
“One of his pickups?”
“Yeah, only this one belongs to another club.”
“What other club?”
“The Warriors.”
“Shit.” The Warriors are a rival club, one the Knights have always had trouble with. They struck a truce last year and now this shit? This isn’t good at all.