“Open this fuckin’ door before I knock it down.” My fear comes out as anger, but each second she doesn’t respond, is another second that my doubt takes over. I step back, lift my leg, and in one forceful kick, I break past the lock; the door flying back in a loud thud. My eyes scan the bathroom in frantic need to know she is safe, that she hasn’t done something stupid, something I would never forgive her for. My body convulses when I see her sitting on the shower floor.
Her head comes up, surprise written all over her face as if my entry into the bathroom is a shock. I can see she has been crying, but the despair and anger ripping through my body doesn’t let me register what she needs. I’m too pissed off.
“What the fuck is your problem?” I spit out, watching her body recoil from my words.
She recovers, but doesn’t respond, just looks at me so devoid of anything which only causes my anger to grow. Stepping forward, I pull the glass shower door open while she continues to look straight through me. My first instinct is to pick her up and shake some life back into her, but I know she’s so far in her head right now, it won’t get me anywhere. Instead, my hand goes to the tap, not bothering to warm the water, and I let it rush over her. Her gasp fills the small glass enclosed area right before she moves to escape, but I react quicker, holding my frame in the door way.
“Fuckin’ talk to me, dammit!” I shout and she trembles under my stare.
“Where the fuck were you?” She finally reacts, trying to push me out of the way. “You left. You said thirty minutes, Nix.” Her fists connect with my chest and her voice cracks as she begins to sob.
My arms come around her, pulling her wet body into mine, holding her while she screams out and comes undone. I fucked up. I know I did, but I can’t help feel a small glimmer of hope grow in me that she’s finally reacting. I hold her for a brief moment, the water still falling over her back, splashing both of us. I reach back and shut it off, holding her firmly in my arms.
“Just breathe, baby.” I reach for the towel and wrap her tightly in it. Silent sobs rack her body. “Deep breaths,” I encourage again, when I sense her losing the battle to control them. I fucking hate myself knowing I did this to her, but I don’t know how much more of it I can handle. It takes her a few more minutes before her breathing slows and her sobs finally fade.
I don’t move her, afraid to set off another round, so I hold her in my arms, praying I haven’t just fucked up shit even more. Hoping that eventually she will talk, because somewhere deep down inside of me, I have that sinking feeling. The one that tells me if things don’t change, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have her for. And not having Kadence in my life, is not an option.
It will never be a fucking option.
CHAPTE R FOUR
Kadence
I sit on the side of the bathtub as Nix dries me off. My clothes stick to my body and my hair hangs over my face. I don’t say anything. I can’t even look at him let alone talk to him. How could he just leave me?
After I fed Low, Z came up and played with her a little while I sat and watched them. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was that set me off. Low was being fussy, as usual. Z was asking questions and as the time ticked over, Nix was getting later and later. It all became too much—my unease rose inside of me with each minute that passed. The pressure of when, or if he was even coming home at all amplified the panic that lay dormant in me.
“Baby?” Nix calls, pulling me from my thoughts. I used to like it when he called me baby, when he would touch me, make me feel beautiful, but now somewhere in my mind, the word baby doesn’t represent what it once did. His touch doesn’t soothe me like it used to, and not one part of me feels beautiful.
“What?” I shrug him off, not wanting his hands on me as I slide down from where he placed me.
“We need to talk about what happened.” He follows me into our bedroom, clearly looking for a fight. He does this all the time, pushing me deliberately until he gets the reaction he wants. It’s in those moments I feel like he is judging me.
“I’m really tired. I’m going to bed.” I turn and pull out sweats and one of Nix’s old club tees from my dresser.
“No, we are gonna talk now.” I ignore him, not in the mood for this tonight. Moving to walk past him, his hand comes out, wrapping around my bicep.
“Get the fuck off me,” I hiss, pulling out of his hold as he reels back at my tone.
“Kadence.” He moves in but my hand comes up.
“You touch me again and I’m out. I’m not even kidding, Nix. I will pack a bag so goddamn fast you won’t even see it coming,” I threaten. My head is all over the place, my mind in a constant battle with itself. Fuck, how did it get like this?
“What the hell, Kadence?”
“I can’t handle you being late,” I shout, pointing to the broken bathroom door. All of my insecurities, feelings of being hopeless, fears of failing, surface to the top as my anger flows through me. “I fucking lost it tonight because of you not coming home when you said you would!”
“Dad?” Z calls through the door, halting whatever was about to go down between us.
“Go,” I whisper, afraid of what Z’s already heard. Knowing our son waits on the other side of the door alone has Nix looking torn. His eyes pleading with me for something I can’t give him.
“Yeah, coming, bud,” he calls out as I walk past him. I don’t give him another chance to try to talk to me; instead, I head back into the bathroom. My safe place.
“This conversation isn’t over. We will talk about this, Kadence,” he warns, but I don’t respond. What is there to say? He left, came home, and found me at my worst. It wasn’t the first time it’s happened.
I hear the bedroom door open and then shut. I let out an unsteady breath I didn’t know I was holding. Peeling myself out of my wet clothes, I re-dress and rush through my bedtime routine. It’s not yet dinner time, but the reality of the day is too much for my state. I know Nix must be worried, coming home to see me like this, but sometimes just stepping away when the darkness starts to consume me helps.
Confining myself within the marble walls of my bathroom gives me a disturbing comfort. I find solace in the silence. If that doesn’t work, then my screams block out her cries, reminding me I still have a voice when I release a small piece of my fear.
Letting the sound of my pain echo off the walls gives me the reprieve I am searching for. Does it fix the issue that something is happening with me? No. Nor does it make Harlow stop crying and give me the peace my mind so desperately needs in order to heal. No. Sitting in the shower, locked away in the bathroom, hiding from my family is the only way I can deal. I can block out everything around me and be someone else. Somewhere else. I’m not a mom who is laced with guilt for not being happy when I have everything to be happy for. I’m not this panicky person whose heart races just from picking out what clothes Low is going to wear. Pretending is my relief. It’s how I manage to block it all out. I know it isn’t healthy, but some days pretending is just easier.
After brushing my teeth, I climb into bed and bury myself under the covers. I know I should go out, check on Low and Z, but now that Nix is home, I know he will have it under control. With the day’s exhaustion catching up on me, I force my eyes shut, and pray I fall asleep before Nix comes back. The last thing I need tonight is to go over what happened today.
***
“Kadence?” I hear whispered into my ear. I open my eyes and find the room is shadowed in darkness as Nix’s bedside lamp illuminates his side of the room. I must have fallen asleep.