“No, Kadence. You’re not. And I wouldn’t expect you to be the same person after our year. But do you think that bothers me?”
“Come on, Nix. Don’t tell me you enjoy this Kadence? The one afraid of fucking up, of failing again.” She pulls the blankets up and I know I’ve lost her tonight.
“I’m not going to lie. Not being able to touch you, be with you, has been fuckin’ hard. I’m horny as fuck, but this is all about you. I’m followin’ your lead, baby. You tell me what you need. I’ll give it to you. I’ll be there for you.”
She looks apprehensive, as if the thought of being truthful will only make the situation worse.
“Always truth, baby. Tell me what you need.”
“Okay, I want to. I want that connection. I just need to be in control. I know what I’m asking is a big deal. Something that you might not be able to give me, but this is what I need. I don’t want to lose you, Nix, and I know I’m asking so much after everything we’ve been through, but please, don’t pull away.”
“Pull away? Why the fuck would I pull away now?” I shift and hold her gaze. I don’t know what else I have to do to prove to this woman that nothing she can do would push me away.
She doesn’t say anything and I can see her fighting her insecurities. It guts me she feels like this. Does she not know how fucking amazing she is? How her body, even after the fire, after having Low, is the most rocking body I’ve ever fucking seen? And it’s mine. All fucking mine.
“Men need sex, Nix. I know that.” She shrugs, her gaze looking down at her hands now resting in her lap.
“Kadence,” I sigh, not sure how I can even begin. “I fuckin’ love you. Yes, your pussy is fuckin’ incredible, but, baby, you’re more than that to me.” She huffs, not liking my reply to her stupid-ass assessment of what I need. I reach over to the lamp on my nightstand and flick the switch to off.
“What are you doing?” she asks as I lay back down, tucking her back into my front.
“I’m not talkin’ about this anymore. We’re not fuckin’. I’m gonna hold you and we’re gonna sleep. And maybe tomorrow we’ll try again.”
“But I wanna try tonight.”
“You’re not ready, baby, and I’m not fuckin’ pushin’ it.”
“Nix.”
“Just got you back, Kadence. My cock can wait. I don’t think I can cope if you check out like that again,” I admit, hating the fear in my confession. I know we’ve moved past that part of our life, but the thought of going back to that place has me on edge. “Just know, baby, I’m always gonna be here. I love you and when you’re ready, I’m gonna sink my cock home, doin’ it knowin’ you fuckin’ want it as much as I do.”
“But—” she begins, but I’m not budging on this. I’m done.
“Just leave it alone, Kadence. Just give me your mouth and I’ll get my fill.”
“I love you, you know?” She doesn’t give me her mouth, needing the last say.
“I know, baby, and I fuckin’ love you.” She moves in, and brings her lips to mine. Her tongue makes the first move, skimming along my lips, seeking entry. I let her push into my mouth, giving her full control like she asked. I might not like handing it over, but I will if that’s what she needs. I push all thoughts of sex out of my head, and let Kadence’s kiss take over. I allow her mouth to tease me into submission while her taste tempts me to lose control. I had forgotten how well my woman can kiss, to the point that I nearly come undone.
Yeah, this waiting business is gonna be fucking hard.
CHAP TER SIX
Kadence
“He’s been waking up once a night for the last week.” Holly tells my mom the next morning as we sit around watching Harlow sit up on her own and Xzavier try to roll over.
Last night after Nix and I talked, we kissed like teenagers for what felt like hours, before finally drifting off to sleep. I don’t know why, but the whole scene felt more erotic; knowing that we both wanted it, but holding off and making out like horny teenagers.
“Wow, that is amazing,” I smile, ignoring the slight pang of jealousy that Holly has had a breeze with baby X. I know everyone is different, and with Low’s allergy, things would always be harder, but that small wish that I had what she has, stirs in me. Holly is everything I’m not in a mother. Where I stress, she’s easygoing. When I freak out, she’s calm. It’s one of those things that even I can see the irony in, but I’m truly happy for her. I’d never wish what Nix and I went through with Low on anyone. It’s just sometimes hard when I hear how easy it could have been. I have to remind myself that every baby is different. Every journey is different, and it doesn’t make it worth more or less. It just is what it is.
I’ve come a long way in the last four months. The despair and feeling worthless is no longer there. Some days are still hard. Harlow’s allergy isn’t something that will just go away, and we deal with it constantly. But at least I feel like I have a handle on it. That day, four months ago, was my rock bottom. Hearing Nix admit that he couldn’t do it anymore was the wake-up call I needed. I knew I was drowning, but I didn’t want to acknowledge that I needed help. I wanted the happy family, the perfect child, and I had that, but it wasn’t what I had expected. I felt weak, but admitting failure was not an option. Looking back now, I know I wasn’t failing as a mother, but when every day becomes a fight against the current, you lose the energy to swim. Dealing with postpartum depression didn’t make me less of a mom, it was a symptom of motherhood. I didn’t plan for it, but I sure learnt from it. In all honesty, I still am.
“You okay, darling?” Mom asks, pulling me from my place of reflection.
“Yeah.” I smile, shaking away the fog. Holly looks me over. Concern fills her eyes, but she has nothing to be worried about. I’m finally in a good place.
“So, X is going to his first sleepover at Mom and Dad’s next weekend,” Holly continues, taking the focus off me like the good best friend she is.
“He is?” I ask as a small sliver of panic runs through at the thought of leaving Low for a night.
“Yeah, Sy has organized this amazing night away for Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait. What are you and Nix doing?”
“I don’t know.” I look to my mom, wondering if Nix has spoken with her. She doesn’t give anything away, shaking her head. “We haven’t discussed it.” I shrug, wondering if Nix has even thought about it.
“I’m sure he will plan something nice.” My mom’s gentle smile warms me.
“We’ll see.” I brush it off, not holding my breath. Nix can’t even touch me without me freaking out. Something I haven’t shared with my mom or Holly yet. I highly doubt he will organize anything romantic.
“So, do you need to go shopping?” I ask Holly, eager to change the subject.
“Yes.” She lights up at the idea of shopping. “Let’s go Tuesday, after playgroup.”
I nod, agreeing to a shopping spree. “You never know, you might need something for yourself.” She winks but I don’t respond. Like I said, I won’t hold my breath.
***
“Nix! How many times do I have to tell you to quit leaving your shit on the floor,” I yell out from our bedroom four nights later.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Nix walks in wearing a towel. His dark hair is slick with water from his shower.
“Don’t fucking baby me,” I snap, not giving a damn that I know I’m in a shitty mood and clearly looking for a fight. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me the last few days. My mood has not been a pleasant one. It could have something to do with the fact that since the night I decided I was ready to have sex with Nix, he rejected me, and since then, I’ve been horny. Not horny as in read a hot book and have a horny ache. I mean all out, hot sex dreams and need-my-man’s-cock-now horny. The past four days, the tension has been building and I’m ready to snap.