Elle was confused. “What do you mean?”
“You and me. We’re always, I don’t know, giving each other crap. Why is that?”
Elle was more than confused—she was stunned. She thought that was a positive thing in their relationship. He kept her on her toes and she had assumed she did the same for him. Was she wrong?
“That’s just how we are, I guess.” She shrugged, not knowing what else to say.
“I’m not like that with anyone else. Not even my little sister.”
Thank God, Elle thought. The last person she wanted to be compared to was Troy’s sister. But she didn’t like how this conversation was going. During their short stay on the campgrounds, she had felt her denial start to slip away—if Troy was letting her down easy, she would be crushed.
“You didn’t like Amanda, did you?” he asked.
“Does it matter?”
“Yes.”
“Why? Who you date is your business, not mine.”
Troy stopped. He kicked the rocks beneath his feet. Even beneath the dark night sky, Elle could see the frustration in his knitted brow. “I guess.”
They walked together, following the gravel path away from the campground and into a wooded area. The only sound was the crackling of the gravel beneath their feet. Elle wanted to push him, to discover what on earth he was trying to say, and to understand why he was frustrated.
Frustration and silence were not a healthy combination. Elle’s chest ached as she pondered her next move. She wanted terribly to drag the stagnant conversation back to a place she understood. Normally, she’d give him a hard time to reel him back into their banter, but apparently Troy was conflicted about the state of their relationship. Banter was not the answer.
The sound of crackling twigs could be heard behind the bushes near the gravel path. Troy froze and held his hand out to block Elle from walking forward. “Did you hear that?”
“Yes.” It came out in a choked whisper. She was so wrapped up in her emotions, she’d forgotten they were two teenagers walking alone at night. Normally, Elle would have voiced concern over leaving the safety of the supervised grounds, but the reticence between them stifled the cool air and she didn’t want to increase their already strained conversation.
Troy grasped her forearm and held a finger up to his lips. She nodded, indicating she wouldn’t make a sound. She stood like stone, looking from side to side, hoping a small animal, like a rabbit or chipmunk, would reveal itself and remove the fear surrounding them in the darkness.
Troy moved toward the bush, shining his flashlight and lifting the branches to inspect what could possibly be hiding behind the layers of evergreen. A muffled growl came from the ground beneath the bush and Troy stepped back.
“We should go. C’mon,” he said, placing his hand on the small of Elle’s back and guiding her to walk quickly down the path, back to the safety of the campground.
“What was that?” Her lungs were heaving.
“Just keep moving.” Troy looked behind them several times, his arm wrapped completely around her waist as they increased their pace. The familiar glow of campfires welcomed them and Elle felt at ease. They would be fine. Troy, however, didn’t look so relieved.
“Troy?” Elle asked, turning to place a hand on his shoulder. “Are you all right?”
“I would never let anything hurt you. You know that, right?” His nostrils flared, and his chocolate-brown eyes gleamed in the moonlight. Protective Troy made something stir in Elle. She pressed her hands behind his neck and pulled him to her.
He crushed her lips with his, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her toward his firm chest. Elle could feel his heart pounding. She opened her mouth, inviting him to deepen the kiss. He moaned into her mouth as his tongue met hers. They moved together in unison—it was everything Elle had thought it could be. He pulled the elastic from her ponytail, allowing her hair to tumble past her shoulders. He ran his fingers from the roots to the tips before dragging his fingernails down her back. His hands then roamed underneath her cotton shirt and she arched in response to the slight sting of his fingernails grazing her skin. His mouth moved to her neck as his hands continued to climb up her back. She looked up at the starry sky, wondering where this was headed and what it all meant. Even at times like these, it was impossible for her to turn off her brain, to truly lose herself in someone else. She craved control. But with Troy, she could never quite get it. The push, the pull was always in control of both of them.
“Should we . . . head back?” It wasn’t what she wanted. But the need to control was a strong one—and a part of her personality difficult to suppress.
“Is that what you want?” Troy murmured between kisses. Her skin tingled with each kiss.
“I don’t know.”
Troy pulled back, placing both hands on her waist. “That’s not true. You know. Tell me what you want.”
Elle hesitated before telling the truth. Before risking everything. “You. I want you.”
He shook his head with a smile. “You have me.”
“Do I?” Elle narrowed her eyes, conveying her doubt with a simple glance. She didn’t just want one night with Troy. She wanted so much more than that. At least, she thought she did.
Troy nodded; his expression turned serious. He ran his fingers through her hair before running the side of his hand down her cheek. “If you only knew, Rigby.”
Relief flooded Elle and she pressed her lips to his once again, pulling him close to her, making the decision to let go of her need to control. Her hand dipped down to grip him beneath his jeans.
She murmured into his neck. “Should we go to my tent?”
Troy licked his lips before pursing them together. “Are you ready for that? I mean, I know you haven’t—”
Troy was fully aware of Elle’s virginity, but she didn’t have any intention of discussing it. Regardless of what happened after that night, she knew right then, right there, she wanted Troy to be her first.
“Shh.” She placed a finger on his lips. “I’m ready.”
They walked hand in hand back to the tent. The others had already gone to sleep and Elle realized just how long they’d been gone on their walk. Troy unzipped the flap of the tent, revealing an empty space just for them. He unzipped the rest of the flap and gestured for her to enter. The tent was warm and her sleeping bag was open and ready. She sat down on the cool fabric, removing her shirt and unsnapping her jeans. Troy zipped the flap of the tent and knelt down next to her on the sleeping bag.
“Rigby,” he whispered. “Are you sure?”
Elle nodded, pulling his shirt from his body. She ran her fingertips down his chest, enjoying the warmth of his skin on her fingertips.
“I’m sure.”
The next morning, she bristled at his touch. When he attempted to snuggle with her beneath the sleeping bag, she pulled away, explaining she needed to use the bathroom. She avoided his eyes, knowing he’d see right through her lies.
When they’d finished making love just hours before, Troy had stroked her back gently before he dozed off to sleep. And although she enjoyed herself immensely, and knew he cared for her and they were meant to be together, Elle cried herself to sleep, silent tears streaming down her face.
The truth was, she was terrified.
She wasn’t ready.
And she was a self-saboteur. The epitome of a self-saboteur.
Troy was everything she’d wanted, but she was petrified of actually having him—of actually being happy. Happiness required vulnerability—something Elle was terribly uncomfortable with, because vulnerability meant giving up control and that was something Elle just couldn’t do no matter what her heart wanted. She sobbed in the shower stall of the campground ladies’ room. When Staci attempted to comfort her, she asked her to leave.