He slid them on and put on music for me, some slower ballads, and I let the music and the touch of Mathias’s hand on mine pull me back under.
Wild boys wander far from glory
Mathias
I’d been so wrapped up in Jessa that I’d forgotten about the fact that someone had helped Charlie grab her in the first place. I sat in the dark room, wondering about Bish and thinking about how that connection I had with him had extended to Jessa today.
“You’d go to Bishop if you could.”
Jessa’s voice, weak but not unkind, reached out to me in the dark. I couldn’t lie so I didn’t bother trying. The fact was, I was here with her, not running off to find Bish, and that meant something too. This was what he’d wanted. And Jessa was who I wanted.
I moved close to her bed and leaned against it. The alphasmart was at her bedside and I typed, Doctor said you can leave tomorrow.
She looked confused, not at what I typed but why I was using the device in the first place. “Don’t, Mathias. Don’t push me away now.”
I guess that’s what I was doing, putting some distance between us. I typed, You almost died.
“I found out that I get to live. And I’m really beginning to understand that sentiment.” She paused. “I’ll go with you to find Bishop.”
We can’t. He doesn’t want that.
She thought about that for a moment. “Then we’ll wait here for him. He’ll know where to find us if he needs us, and when he’s done, he’ll come back.”
He won’t be the same. I thought that, but I didn’t sign it, because maybe giving some kind of voice to it would make it true. But it continued echoing in my mind until I discovered Caspar watching me from the doorway.
“Jessa, how are you?” he asked and she nodded, managed, “I’m okay.”
“Good. Listen, gonna borrow your man for a minute.”
She nodded again and closed her eyes and I stood and headed outside. Aimee passed by me to wait with Jessa, and she gave me a quick, reassuring pat on my arm as she passed.
Caspar lit a cigarette and offered me one. I took it, letting the smoke swirl around me with its comforting warmth.
Finally, I signed, It was Lil’jon, and Caspar nodded. Taken care of?
“Yeah. Figured I had to make an example. You had your hands full.”
He’d killed Lil’jon, no doubt in front of many other Defiance members, because of his transgression.
I owe you.
“Yeah, you do. You owe me what you promised.”
I’ll follow through.
“I know. For now, go back to your girl.”
That’s exactly what I did. She was awake when I walked back inside and she said, “What did Caspar do to Lil’jon?”
I guess she’d been more awake than I’d thought when Caspar had first walked in. He’s not our problem anymore.
“Good.” Then she asked, “Did you hear the tape?” and when I nodded, she said, “Did everyone?”
Only the men who sit at the table. And only so they’d know what they were up against, in case this was all a ruse.
“It’s not,” she said. “I heard my father’s voice. You know it makes sense now.”
I did, but I wished I didn’t have to tell her I agreed. She was torn apart by it anyway.
“What hurts the most is that I wasted my whole life, up until this point. If I’d just had the courage to run earlier...they would’ve let me. They wanted me to disappear.”
But you didn’t. And that’s the kind of fate shit I’m talking about.
She blinked up at me, and I knew it wouldn’t be as easy as that. Words didn’t always cut it in these situations, but sometimes, some of them did. I love you, Jessa. From the first moment I saw you. For now, let that be enough.
“Enough?” she asked. “Mathias, that’s everything. Everything.”
And then she said, “Can you get me a line to D.C.?”
Baby, I know you’d always be around
Mathias
Jessa had gotten through to D.C. with a series of special codes. With so many people attempting to contact the government by any means possible, D.C. had come up with the codes as a way to make sure that the people who needed to get through to them did.
Caspar and I’d listened while she’d told her father, in no uncertain terms, that she knew what he and Charlie’s father had done. That she had proof of what they’d planned on doing to her. And that she would take everything to the proper authorities.
Defiance had saved her, but Jessa had saved Defiance as well.
The one thing she didn’t ask was her father’s influence to pressure Keller into giving Defiance supplies without Bish. Because she understood, like me, that Bish’s debt to me was something he’d felt could never be repaid.
But this sacrifice, goddammit, this did repay it in spades. All debts were done and now, three months later, three months into Bish’s sentence, I was a full-fledged Defiance member.
For what Bish had done, he’d be able to patch in the second he walked back into Defiance.
The new rules shortened the probie time from two years down to three months, and technically, the six months I’d already been with Defiance didn’t count. But hell, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t doing anything differently. I was still training people, taking shifts to guard against outside dangers. Doing what Caspar and the other twelve who ran the table needed. The only difference was my pledge to be Defiance, not just that I was staying there.
Bish wouldn’t want me to wait, because the upshot of all of it was, I was doing it for Jessa. Being Defiance was the best way I knew how to protect her. So for her, I would stay here, make attachments. Risk everything. Because, by falling in love with her, I already had. And as I prepared to get my cut, Jessa squeezed my hand and said, “I wish...”
Me too, Jessa.
“I guess he’s here with us, right? He always is.”
I’d always believed that, but it was good to hear she did as well.
“He’ll be okay,” she said firmly. “He is okay.”
I don’t know if I agreed with that, but I nodded anyway, because today was a day for Defiance. The day I presented myself to get the Defiance tattoo—done by Tru, because that seemed entirely fitting—and the day Caspar gave me the Defiance rocker. I’d fought against many members of this club in order to be let in, and now, I’d be fighting for them.
I’d be fighting for the rest of my life for the people I cared about and that’s the way it was always meant to be.
Epilogue
Save a prayer
Luna
Four months later
A month earlier, Mathias had passed his final test and became a full-fledged Defiance member. There was some grumbling about the fact that he’d skipped the probie process, but most argued that six months of solid service to Defiance, while asking nothing in return, was more than enough during these times. Besides which, Mathias was a sniper, and Defiance needed more military men in their corner.
Luna watched him when Caspar presented him with his rocker and she knew it killed him not to be there with Bishop. It killed her too, but for different reasons.
She’d learned that Mathias wanted to wait for Bishop to come back before he had this ceremony. He hadn’t told her so directly, but she’d heard that Caspar was getting pressured to bring Mathias into the fold.