Usual frame: You did this wrong.
Reframe: Your other work is stronger.
Alternate: I think you can top that.
Alternate: I’m not sure it’s possible to do this better, but let’s find out.
Alternate: May I show you a shortcut/trick?
Alternate: Let me show you how some people do it.
People generally want to do good work. Showing someone a better way is often all you need. Don’t ruin it with a judgy attitude. If you have the luxury of time so people can work out the right way to do things mostly on their own, your best strategy is to compliment what they do right and avoid any criticisms at all.
Most criticism falls into the obvious category, meaning the subject of the criticism is aware of what they did wrong. People usually know when they mess up and why. What they need is extra energy and mental strength to get past the mistake. For that, be the motivator who ignores mistakes as if they don’t exist and serves up dopamine treats in the form of compliments for what has been done well. This is a Dale Carnegie method, and I have observed it work wonders for all types of people.
Usual Frame: Tell people what they did wrong so they avoid it next time.
Reframe: Tell people what they did well so they are motivated to continue improving.
Luck: Reversing a Losing Streak
Have you ever experienced a losing streak in life that seemed to be a message from the universe that success and happiness are not for you? If so, I can help.
It’s easy to get stuck in negative thinking when events in your life keep going wrong. You might come to believe the universe is conspiring against you (it’s not.). That alone is certain to translate into less happiness and success. So what do you do?
I recommend the following reframe, which I have used all my adult life.
Usual Frame: The universe is acting against me.
Reframe: The universe owes me.
If you flip a coin and it comes up heads ten times in a row, the universe owes you some tails. And if everything we know about physics and statistics is true, you will eventually end up with the same number of heads and tails if you keep going.
People are not coins, but the general idea is that one person cannot be continuously lucky or unlucky for an extended period. That isn’t a thing. Bad luck can certainly arrive in clusters, but like the coin flips, the odds must revert to something normal over time, and that means the universe might owe you some good luck.
The strange thing about feeling lucky or unlucky is that your experience so often matches your expectations. Yesterday, as an experiment, I started repeating to myself and people I encountered that “everything is going my way today.” And sure enough, my day turned out to be spectacular. Did I create my own good luck that day, or did I adjust my filter so I noticed the good and ignored the bad? Or was it pure chance?
I have no idea. All I know is that acting as if you expect good luck seems to produce more of it, whether you are writing affirmations, praying to a God, or simply using the power of positive thinking.
If acting as if luck is coming your way doesn’t produce any luck for you for a few weeks in a row, should you discontinue being positive? No. Your loved ones probably noticed the change and liked it, as did your coworkers, boss, and everyone else you encountered. And it probably helped keep you in better spirits than if you expected doom. In other words, this is a “can’t lose” reframe. Your payoff will either be good or great, and it might be either real or imagined, but none of the outcomes are bad.
This reframe is extra powerful for those of us who had suboptimal childhoods or a bad adult life so far. The feeling that the universe owes you some luck will be strongest when you feel the most wronged.
Don’t make the mistake of sitting on the couch waiting for luck to hunt you down. Luck needs you to do your part, and that generally looks like this:
Work on your fitness and health.
Build your talent stack.
Meet more people.
Go where there is more energy.
Create systems for your success.
If you follow that recipe all your life and keep telling yourself the universe owes you some luck, I like your odds.
Few things are more important to our happiness and success than pure luck. Luck is real in the sense that some people win lotteries and others do not, and some are born smart and attractive while others are not. But if you think luck is something that you cannot control, you are wrong. You can control the heck out of luck. I do it all the time. It involves moving from a place in which luck can’t find you to a place where it can.
I’ve written this book while hoping—as authors do—that it performs well in the marketplace. Luck will play a large role because it might only take one major book review or recommendation to light the fuse on it. Or maybe events in the world will line up to make this content more appealing through no effort of my own. But there is one thing I know for sure: NOT writing a book gives me a smaller chance of luck finding me.
The first rule of luck is that you need to “do something” to have a chance of luck noticing you. Closely related to that rule is the recommendation that you go where the energy is highest, i.e., a densely populated place rather than a rural area. You want commerce and life in general to be bustling around you. That gives you your highest odds of something lucky happening. Likewise, joining the fastest-growing industry that will hire you probably creates more opportunity for luck than a mature business. Follow the energy to the places in which luck can more easily find you.
Usual Frame: Luck is random and can’t be managed.
Reframe: You can go where there is more luck (more energy).
Some of us have a hard time dealing with our own bad luck. “Why me???” you ask. If you think the universe targeted you unfairly, that adds psychological pain on top of whatever else is bugging you. So I use the following reframe to avoid the “why me?” problem.
Usual Frame: I am unusually unlucky this happened to me.
Reframe: Everyone has problems. No exceptions.
We humans can be petty and jealous and vengeful and small. That’s probably why it can make you feel better to know others have big problems, too. No one gets through life without their share. The reason this reframe works is probably related to the fact that you don’t mind working as much when you know everyone else is. But if you think you are working while others play, you will hate life. So take some comfort that your problems—no matter how big—might be no bigger than other people’s issues you haven’t yet heard about.
Fairness
The concept of fairness is useful in sports, relationships, and other situations, but it is a big obstacle to success. This takes some explaining because we are wired from birth to recognize and prefer fairness. For example, if you have siblings, you probably tried the “fairness” argument with your parents to make sure you got an equal or better portion of whatever generosity was being dispensed. As a kid, I tried that approach exactly three times. Each time, my mother check-mated me with this reframe.
Usual Frame: Things should be fair. (me)
Reframe: Life isn’t fair. (Mom)
At or around the third time you hear “Life isn’t fair,” from a parent, you realize you will never come up with a good enough argument to break it. Could I argue that life was fair? No. Was there some law requiring fairness in this situation? No. Did the Constitution demand it? Sorry. Did the Ten Commandments address it? Probably not.