Don’t be surprised if a reframe works one day and then never again, or that a reframe that didn’t work for you before starts feeling profound. Try several reframes on the same topic and see what works that day. Reframes are quick and cheap, and you know immediately if they will have an impact; you can feel it. If you don’t feel it, try another.
Hate and Anger
I recently saw a wise man on Instagram explain that hate makes no sense because you are punishing yourself for the misdeeds of someone else.
Whoa! Profound.
Or is it? It sounds so clever when you first hear it that you think the universe tapped you on the shoulder and whispered in your ear a truth that only you are ready to receive. And you can almost feel it work! The moment you realize you can imagine hate as the absurd act of punishing yourself for the misbehavior of someone else, you can easily release the hate.
That’s some powerful wisdom, right?
Not exactly. It’s more like a terrific reframe. And by that, I mean it isn’t logical, but it still works like a charm because it feels true. It isn’t literally true that feeling hate means you are punishing yourself for the misdeeds of another because there is no intention on your part to do that. It just ends up in the same place but for a different reason. That’s what makes the “magic trick” of the reframe seem true. And that’s good enough to get the benefits out of it.
Usual Frame: I hate someone who deserves it.
Reframe: Hate is nothing but punishing myself for the misdeeds of others.
I realize I have accidentally made you think past the sale about hate and anger. I didn’t mean to imply you need to lose either of those things. Personally, I have found both to be empowering at different times. If a bully confronts you, some hate and anger might be exactly the fuel you need to balance out the situation.
On most days, I’m 5’8” and 157 pounds of wise-cracking sex appeal. If a bully encountered me, he’d be tempted to give me the wedgie I appear to deserve. However, if that bully triggered me into a different state of mind—let’s say intense anger—I have an angry facial expression that can clear a city block. I have no idea how physically dangerous I am because no one has ever stuck around to find out.
My point is that both hate and anger can be superpowers if you learn how to harness their energy. I don’t recommend inviting hate and anger into your life, but in the normal course of being interesting and awesome, you are likely to attract some of it. I’m suggesting you don’t always want to reframe it away. Sometimes you want to use it. You can use that anger to end a relationship that needs ending, to stand up to someone who frightened you before, to embrace a deep challenge, or to accomplish anything else that requires your maximum effort. I like to convert my negative energy into muscles. I can run farther and lift heavier in an angry mood than a good one. And once that energy is turned into muscle, I can go home relaxed.
Usual Frame: Hate and anger are toxic feelings you hope will wear off.
Reframe: Hate and anger are a superpower level of energy you can use for gain.
Enduring Bad Things
If you have a problem you know how to fix, go ahead and do that. But life is full of suboptimal situations you can’t exactly “fix” for one reason or another. Or at least not quickly. You can make yourself crazy wishing things were different or replaying events in your mind as if they will change next time. That’s living half in the real world and half in a dark fantasy world of what-ifs, regret, and self-flagellation. Here’s a reframe that wants to help, but it’s so crazy it couldn’t possibly work.
Could it?
Usual Frame: Why can’t my problems go away?
Reframe: Everything has a right to exist, including this problem.
I first saw this reframe on Instagram from the Adyashanti (Official) account. The bio says Adyashanti is a spiritual teacher. My first impression was that it sounded like new-age nonsense. My second impression was that it instantly made me feel more at peace. That’s a strong reframe. But remember, we are all a bit different, so the reframes that work best for you or me will not necessarily be as powerful for anyone else. This one blew my socks off. I could feel its power when I repeated it in my mind.
I think this reframe works because it pulls you out of the imaginary world of what-if and gives you a “fake because” to accept your problems. They have a right to exist. It’s a “fake because” in the sense that it sounds like a reason but isn’t. It’s complete nonsense. But it works for me.
Next time you have a problem that isn’t going away soon, just remind yourself that the problem has as much right to exist as you do.
And don’t worry that it doesn’t make sense. Instead, ask yourself how it feels when you do it. You might be surprised by this one.
Anxiety
One of the greatest keys to happiness and good health involves managing stress and anxiety. It won’t matter to your happiness how many skills you acquire over the course of your life if you don’t also learn to control how you feel. Feeling stressed and anxious is a terrible experience. The good news is there are several reframes that can help you, and quickly. I use all of these reframes, to good effect, in my own life.
Your Ego
In the Success Reframes chapter, I told you that conquering embarrassment is like a superpower for success. It also has a direct benefit to your mental health.
Let me tell you about an embarrassing experience that was so awful I still cringe and perspire when I think about it.
Just kidding. I have no such experiences. I do recall feeling embarrassed at various times in my youth, but from today’s perspective, all those stories are humorous. The horrible “embarrassments” of adolescence either faded into dust or transformed into my funniest stories. None lasted.
Eventually, the pattern was too obvious to ignore—embarrassments don’t last. And that makes it easy for me to ignore the next potential embarrassment. Worst case, it lasts a little while. Then I get distracted and think of something else.
I can’t remember the last time I experienced embarrassment. But I wasn’t born this way. It is learned behavior, and it took work. This reframe, which I often repeat in my mind, helped me a lot.
Usual Frame: Your ego is “you,” and it must be protected.
Reframe: Your ego is your enemy.
The reframe tells you what to do: Kill your ego. And to do that, you need to beat it to death with actual and potential embarrassments that have one important quality: They don’t have a huge downside. Don’t be reckless about it. Be strategic. Refer back to the Success Reframes chapter for a refresher on becoming immune to embarrassment.
My career puts me in lots of public situations—interviews, speeches, posts, podcasts, and more. All of these have the potential for massive embarrassment—the kind that follows you forever. I suppose I’ve blundered into a healthy number of those forever-shames over my career. I seem to rack up a new one every few months. Sometimes they come out of nowhere in the form of hit pieces from political partisans and culture terrorists in the media. When I see them, I repost them. They’re attacking my ego, and I banished that useless ghost from my life years ago. None of the hate feels as if it is about me. It’s just noise.
The ego reframe works best when you reinforce it with real-life experiences that keep your ego in check. I found the following strategies useful.