I’m a short, bald man with corrective lenses. If that’s all I am, I’m not feeling too comfortable breaking into conversations with strangers. But I’m also a lifelong gym rat, so I’m generally more fit than the public at large, no pun intended. That helps me feel confident in social situations.
Diet and exercise are the most important levers in your life. I don’t know what science says on this topic, but if you get food and fitness under control, I think your improved health and vitality would translate into more confidence in social situations. We act better when we feel better.
Have Stories
Your social interactions should center around asking questions and listening, but inevitably you will want to tell some stories as well to keep up your end of the conversation. I recommend framing your experiences—as you have them—in terms of stories you will later tell.
In other words, if something interesting is happening to you, imagine how you would tell the story. Then keep that story at the ready if you need it. It could be your answer to “How was your day?” Here are some useful story-making tips:
A good story is simple to understand, creates curiosity in the listener, and has an interesting payoff or punchline at the end.
Never exceed three names in a story. If Bob is the subject of your story, and he was with four friends, don’t name them unless that is somehow relevant. Names clog stories. Reduce them to the minimum.
Do the entire story setup in one sentence, e.g. “I was at the recycling center yesterday when this big bus pulled in . . .” Avoid the long windup, as in, “I noticed my recycling container was filling up faster than usual because we started buying bottled water.” That part is irrelevant to the story.
Practice saying the punchline, the big reveal, or the shocking ending in one clean sentence. The body of your story can be variable each time you tell it, but make sure your “payoff line” is tight and simple.
Practice! Storytelling is a skill. The more you do it, the better you will be at putting your body language and acting skills into it. People will react to your emotional state as much as the details of the story. If you are enjoying telling the story, the listener picks up that joy. And you will enjoy your storytelling most if you are comfortable doing it. So practice.
Avoiding Stress
I distinguish stress from anxiety because stress usually has obvious causes whereas anxiety can be a general feeling that is immune to what is happening that day.
Sometimes our stress comes from worrying we will make poor decisions. But there is at least one class of problems that don’t require you to know which path is best: things you can easily test.
If the decision is important, and you have a way to test it small before committing to a larger decision, you have everything you need. You don’t need anyone’s opinion on whether it is a good idea. Test and find out.
It can be stressful to think you might make a wrong decision. But it isn’t stressful to know you can test your ideas before committing.
Usual Frame: Is this a good decision?
Reframe: Can we test it small?
If you have corporate and business experience, you are probably wondering who needs to be told that testing before committing is a good idea. It’s obviously the smart way to go when you can. But people who do not have that work experience won’t reflexively ask if a thing can be tested small. Remember the test-it reframe and try to turn it into a mental habit.
No One Cares
It can be stressful knowing others will judge you no matter what you do. I get judged a lot in my line of work, so I have loads of experience reframing it out of relevance. I’ll show you how.
Start by realizing there are primarily two kinds of people in the world:
Bad people who don’t care about you at all,
and . . .
Good people who won’t judge you for being human.
There are some weirdos in the middle, but we can ignore the exceptions. For example, your ex-spouse or romantic partner might care what you do and judge you for it. But you already solved that problem by breaking up.
Most of the world either doesn’t care about you at all, or they like you and don’t judge. The latter group might even make you feel better if you screw up. The point is that worrying about what others think of your performance is living in an imaginary world in which people both care about you and judge you. That is far from reality, and this reframe helps you find that truth.
Usual Frame: People judge me, so I feel bad when I mess up.
Reframe: People only care about themselves. They don’t care what dumb thing I did recently, even if they mention it.
A lot of the so-called advice I give people depends on being immune to failure and the opinions of others. It’s a useful skill. Years ago, I had laser treatments on my face to remove some imperfections. I was advised to stay home for a few weeks because I would look monstrous until the purple bruising went down. And sure enough, I looked like I’d just lost an MMA fight with Conor McGregor. So I stayed home and waited for the damage to heal.
But I’m impatient. My cabin fever got so bad I decided to go shopping at my local mall and endure the staring and derision coming from my fellow humans. Nothing remotely like that happened. Instead, I went shopping, and no one stared at me, no one asked what happened, and no one expressed sympathy. No one cared at all. And what was every one of them thinking instead of thinking about me as I deserve?
They were thinking of themselves, I assume, because they care about themselves. They don’t care about randos at the mall. I can’t read their minds, but I do know their opinions about my face had no impact on me whatsoever. I shopped. I went home. It was a normal day.
Prior to that day, I was already well on my way to not caring about the opinions of strangers. But that day in the mall, I finished my journey. And my concern about being judged never came back. I welcome you to borrow my mantra:
The strangers care about themselves.
The strangers care about themselves.
The strangers care about themselves.
Reducing Stress Is Your Job
At the beginning of this book, I explained why reframes don’t need to be true or logical to work. This next reframe is logically incompatible with a reframe we already discussed: “Your job is to get a better job.” If the apparent contradiction bothers you, pick the one you like best. If both reframes work for you, use them both. That’s what I do.
This is one of the most valuable reframes in the book.
Usual Frame: Stress comes with the job.
Reframe: Reducing stress IS your job.
We work for a variety of reasons, but work is only one part of a larger system for reducing stress. I don’t earn money just to have it. I earn money to make my life more pleasant, which includes reducing my stress about surviving.
When I was in my mid-teens, I realized stress and anxiety would eat me from the inside unless I taught myself how to deal with it. So I started treating stress reduction like a full-time job, and I’m glad I did. Today, I rarely experience any major stress or anxiety. The triggers are all there, but I’ve learned to silence them.
This isn’t a book about reducing stress, so I’ll only go as far as listing all the methods I’ve sampled on my own journey. I do this to make my point that I treat stress reduction as my job or at least a side job. It’s a lot of work. But it is also a lot of reward. This isn’t a list of recommendations for you; I’m only showing you how seriously I treat it.
My Stress Reduction Systems
Here they are:
Meditation (in my teens and college years)
Yoga
Self-hypnosis
Physical intimacy (especially with other people)
Daily exercise
Go to sleep and wake up at consistent times