Usual Frame: I need a decision.
Reframe: I need a copilot to share the blame.
My mother taught me this reframe. Sometimes it isn’t about the choice. Sometimes it’s about finding a way to move forward. Never say you don’t care; just choose. Everyone will be glad you did, and you will appear to be a leader. If someone doesn’t like your choice, they’ll probably let you know.
Of all the reframes in this book, the dining decision reframe has the most universal application. Most of us deal with the “Where do you want to eat?” trap. You’ll be amazed how well this solves it.
These reframes work for any choice in which your honest answer would be “I don’t care.” It isn’t limited to food. The method can work in a variety of professional and personal situations.
The first time you try one of these reframes, you will probably silently thank me in your mind. And I will silently say, “You’re welcome” because I can sense these things.
Humor
If you are not naturally funny, wouldn’t it be nice to know how to create humor? Everyone likes a good laugh.
Most humor comes from referencing a known pattern and then violating that pattern in a clever and surprising way. For example, when characters act against their stereotypes—a common humor formula—the stereotypes are the pattern being violated. An example would be a cute bunny rabbit that is also a deadly assassin.
Standup comics often create jokes by first describing what one group of people can get away with in society, then violating the pattern with “imagine me trying that.” For example, the comic might describe some bad behavior a celebrity allegedly got away with and follow with an “imagine if” story in which the comic tries the same behavior as the celebrity, but it doesn’t work out.
In movies, a common plot device is the “fish out of water.” That’s another way to say a quirky character is dropped into a situation for which they are not equipped, and hilarity ensues. That too is a form of pattern violation that creates humor.
People who don’t write jokes for a living often describe humor as “bad things happening to other people” or “tragedy plus time” or simply a matter of “surprise.” But that level of description doesn’t help you write your own jokes, which is what I want for you. You might find it helpful to reframe humor as pattern violation because that gives you a starting point for writing a joke about anything.
Here’s the humor reframe.
Usual Frame: The usual patterns hold (non-humor).
Reframe: The usual patterns are violated (humor).
You get extra energy from a joke if the pattern you are violating is one in which the people in power—or polite society in general—don’t want violated. That’s why it’s so easy to write jokes about a cop who doesn’t follow the rules, the lawyer who can’t lie for his client, the doctor with the unpleasant bedside personality, or the soulmate who is a monster. If you start with a pattern violation, writing the jokes that go with it is easy.
Pattern violation isn’t the only way to write humor, but the other methods don’t give you such an obvious starting point. Just ask yourself what is the most common and expected way for a given character—your coworkers, your family, professionals, anyone—to act and see what happens if they do the opposite. It’s usually funny before you even write the joke.
Do you remember a story about a mail carrier who was taking home all the mail he was supposed to be delivering? That’s funny from the start because he did the opposite of delivering the mail. He violated the mail carrier pattern.
You can also create humor by calling out a common pattern of human behavior that no one has yet mentioned. Recently, a friend mentioned the angst of discovering a hole in one sock and feeling guilty for even considering discarding the surviving sock simply because it no longer had a partner. If you have ever had that sock-empathy thought, you probably laughed. Topics that are familiar to you but not already picked over by comedians will work best.
As you see from the examples, you can create humor by OBSERVING human patterns—and calling them out—or by VIOLATING human patterns. If you’re using the observing method, you can generally only refuel your creativity in an accidental way—by noticing something in your normal day. If you take the approach of violating a pattern, you automatically have a starting point and the germ of an idea for how to proceed.
Side Note: Pattern violation is also one of the top recommendations for making memorable presentations. If you have a theme for your slides, violate the theme on the slide that is the one you most want your audience to remember. Pattern violations—like a stain on a white tablecloth—capture your attention, and that’s exactly what you need to create memories and have impact.
Weirdly, the other most common way to create humor is by writing characters who are acting exactly as you would expect if you were a bigot of some sort. For example, the Dilbert comic character is an engineer, so you would expect him to act a certain way because you are a bigot—you assume he is a socially awkward geek. I can get away with gentle mocking of engineers because I revere them, and I’m a professional humorist who knows where the boundaries are. You probably don’t want to target any group to which you do not belong. And even if you are part of that group, it’s probably better to play it safe.
Imagine the next person you encounter doing exactly the opposite of what their personality would suggest. It will probably make you laugh. And now you know how to create humor.
Marriage
We like to think of love as the process of finding a soulmate. That’s a fun, romantic way to frame it. But realistically, humans can fall in love with whoever is nearby and willing (within reason). And we do, for better or for worse.
But a new view of marriage is gaining traction in some circles. By this view, marriage is about finding someone who AGREES to be your partner and protector for life. Obviously, you want to be compatible in all the ways you can, but the highest priority in this new model is the promise you make to each other, not the love, and not the soulmate part.
You want to have love, and you want to feel your partner is your soulmate. But romantic love and lust have a way of fading over time, no matter how diligent you are about keeping things fresh. Promises are different. A promise kept for a long time becomes more valuable, not less. And a promise to look after each other until death do you part is the ultimate valuable thing for a human. Look for a partner you can love, but on top of that, make sure you find someone who values a promise.
Usual Frame: Marriage is about finding your soul mate.
Reframe: Marriage is about finding love with someone who values promises.
As my critics delight in noting, I’m the last person who should be giving marriage advice. I’m zero-for-two in that department. I have sufficient self-awareness to recommend you avoid whatever I was doing. But this might be a situation in which my overclocked self-esteem can help you. I’ll tell you the reframe I use to excuse my own marriage failures. It can help you, too. It goes like this.
Usual Frame: Marriage is a great system, so if your marriage fails, that means one or both of you messed up.
Reframe: So many marriages ending in divorce proves that marriage is a poorly designed system.
To be clear, marriage is a great system for some percentage of the general population. I don’t think that percentage is greater than 25 percent or so, based on my lifetime of observation. People are different. We wouldn’t thrive in the same jobs, the same sports, or even the same weather. We don’t like the same music, food, or pets. It should be no surprise that the institution of marriage fits some people perfectly while failing others.