Fake Because (Reasons)
I already mentioned the power of the “fake because” in a few specific situations, but it works in almost any domain and is a big part of the user interface for reality. We humans like to have reasons for our decisions to not seem foolish to ourselves and others. But curiously, we are not picky about the quality of those reasons. You can see this most clearly in political issues. Voters tend to agree with their team first and rationalize that agreement later by imagining “reasons” or repeating reasons they heard in the news. The power of knowing this oddity of human intellect is that if you don’t have a great reason for asking for something, use a bad reason. You can even use a reason that doesn’t sound like a reason at all to the listener. Usually, people just want to know that you have a reason. They are less interested in what that reason is.
There will be exceptions, of course. People will want real reasons for their most important decisions, but most of life is a series of less-important decisions. And for those, any reason is often good enough.
Pacing and Leading
Pacing involves matching the person you want to persuade in any number of ways, from body language to breathing to clothing style to choice of words and more. If you match a person long enough, you form trust (that isn’t otherwise earned), and you can eventually start to “lead” the person you want to influence. Be like the person you’re imitating in some subtle ways until you can lead them. This is why leaders with “the common touch” do well. People see themselves in the leader, which triggers an automatic willingness to be led. It’s like putting yourself in charge of yourself. That feels safe because you love yourself.
Aspirations
People obviously enjoy succeeding. They also love becoming better versions of themselves. If you can paint a credible picture of how someone can aspire to become more than they are, you can motivate them to act. Sometimes people’s immediate aspirations are obvious, such as a team trying to win a championship. But perhaps the team is wondering what they should do and how they should act to realize that aspiration. That’s where you come in. Tell people they’re winners, they’re good at comebacks, or some such message to create an aspirational target. They are not yet winners, but they could be soon!
A sporting competition is a special case. In life, we have broader aspirations for who we want to be. Most people are not aiming high, which gives them plenty of space to find a better version of themselves. People will work toward that better version somewhat reflexively if they can see it clearly and value it.
Aspirations are a great button for managing others, but it works just as well for motivating yourself. Who do you want to be? How do you want to be remembered? Years ago, I set my life’s highest aspiration at having the largest funeral attendance as possible. In other words, I wanted to have so much positive impact on the planet that people would want to say goodbye to my rotting bones. That sounds like a vague aspiration, but it isn’t. I can put almost any decision I make and any human interaction through that aspiration filter, and it tells me how to be.
Comparing
Comparing any two or more things is such a simple concept and so embedded in everything we do that one would think it requires no further explanation. But my observation is that 75 percent of the public tries to judge the value of a thing compared to some imaginary standard and not to real alternatives. And comparing to real alternatives is the only thing that is useful. We all need reminders to make sure we are comparing the right things. It helps to train yourself to always think in terms of contrast, especially when selling or communicating in general.
For example, if you want to buy a house, your real estate agent will probably show you several terrible properties first. They do that to make the more expensive homes seem that much more desirable.
One way to understand the toxic effects of social media is that it changed how we see ourselves by comparing us to the top social media celebrities in the world instead of our sloppy friend Bob, to pick a random name. You might be a superstar compared to sloppy Bob, but how do you stack up against the most attractive and successful people in the world? That’s who you are unintentionally competing with when you make social media a big part of your life. It’s no surprise that social media is causing mental health problems, especially with young people.
Proper comparisons are important in negotiations, communications, strategy, humor, storytelling, financial analysis, and just about everything else that matters. You already know the importance of sensible comparisons, but keeping it at the front of your mind is likely to pay dividends.
And never compare yourself to imaginary perfections. That does nothing.
Pattern Recognition
The human brain is a pattern recognition machine but not a good one. It sees false patterns everywhere. And those false patterns inform our biases and bigotry. Once you understand brains as pattern recognition machines—as opposed to logic machines—everything starts to make sense. For example, now you know why people so often base their arguments on analogies instead of reason. It’s because analogies are patterns. Whenever one thing reminds us of another, we irrationally conclude one of those things can describe or predict the other. We see this most vividly in the idea that “history repeats,” which is closer to nonsense than insight. If history repeated, we’d all know what happens next, and obviously we don’t.
And don’t let a historian tell you the problem is that you didn’t study history hard enough. Even historians can’t predict the future.
Understanding the mind as a pattern recognition machine that isn’t good at its job is one of the most useful buttons in the human interface for reality. Once you find that button, everything makes more sense.
For example, do you believe people choose their religions based on reason and data, or do they mostly adopt the religion they were raised in? An appeal to logic and reason won’t answer that question. Understanding people as pattern-driven does.
Team Instinct
As a civilization, we waste immense energy debating people who are not open to being persuaded. They probably have the same problem when debating you. Once people join a team, they will hallucinate any argument they need to help that team “win.”
Social media exacerbated the problem by gamifying team play. If you make a post that is popular with your followers, they reward you with reposts and likes. It’s addicting and pulls us away from reason and compromise.
Once you see how powerful the team instinct is, you soon realize debate that appeals to reason and data is useless. You’re in the wrong game. The other side is not trying to win the argument, they’re trying to win the game. And winning the game often means making ridiculous arguments that make your team clap like seals no matter how absurd you are.
Association
Advertisers have long known that associating their product with something or someone beloved allows some of the goodwill to rub off on the product. What is less obvious is how often this guilt-by-association (on the dark side) or love-by-association (on the good side) matters to your everyday experience.
For example, if you meet a romantic interest and carelessly guide the conversation toward something tragic in the news, some of that tragedy will rub off on you and diminish your appeal even though you had nothing to do with it. So don’t bring up ugly topics when making a first impression or at any other time during the getting-to-know-each-other phase. Later, an unpleasant topic will have less impact on your appeal—after the first impression period passes. But telling tragic stories still ruins the other person’s day, so avoid doing that if you can.
When a producer pitches a movie to a studio, they often say what two successful movies could be combined to create this new film, as in, “It’s like ET meets Titanic.” If the studio executive liked both movies, some of that goodwill spills over.