I could tell she was still trying to figure it out. I felt my heart pumping. I avoided eye contact, but I knew she was staring. Any moment now she'd remember the news report where she'd seen Kelly's face.
The seconds ticked by. At last Kelly came out and stood by me, a big smile on her face.
"Shall we go now?" I said, grabbing her hand before she could answer.
As I turned with her for the exit, I could clearly see the woman tugging her husband's arm. She recognized us. How ever, the husband had now seen whoever it was they were meeting and was looking the other way.
She pulled his arm more urgently.
I wanted to run, but that would confirm it for her. We walked, and I talked crap to Kelly with the actions of a happy dad.
"Look at those lights, aren't they nice? This is the air port I fly into every time I come here, have you been here before?" Kelly didn't have time to answer any of my stupid questions.
I had to fight the urge to turn around and look. I started to think, what if? If I got the police on me here, I was fucked.
There was nowhere to go, just more of the airport, with more security than you could shake a nightstick at. My eyes were darting around. We had about thirty or forty yards to go to the exit sign. With each step I expected to hear a cop shouting for me to freeze. All I could hear was the general hubbub and the occasional squeal of greeting.
We reached the exit, turned left, and started walking downhill on a wide ramp that led down to the pickup points and the taxis. The moment we'd made that angle I started to move faster and chanced a look behind.
There was a fine drizzle in the air as we exited and looked for the stand.
Kelly said, "What's up?"
I said, "There's the taxis, let's go."
We had to wait for three other people in the line before it was our turn. I felt like a child who desperately wants a toy and cannot wait any longer. Come on, come on!
At last we jumped into a cab and drove off. I turned and looked behind me. Nothing. I still couldn't relax. Kelly could obviously sense the drama but didn't say another word.
I tried to block it out of my mind. Look hard enough and you'll find a positive in even the worst situation--that was what I'd always told myself. But I couldn't get a silver lining out of what had just happened. If the old woman did make the connection and told the police she had seen us heading for the taxis, it was negatives all the way.
I looked at Kelly and yawned.
"I'm sleepy," I said.
"What about you?"
She nodded and put her head in my lap.
I gave the driver directions. Once off the freeway we drove a few blocks, then I got him to pull in. I watched him drive away as we stood in the parking lot of the Marriott. We would walk to the Economy Inn from there.
"We're going to a hotel now," I said.
"Usual story. I'll be saying a lot of things that aren't true, and all you've got to do is be quiet and look really tired, OK? If you do what you're told and it works out, we can go home." We walked toward the reception.
There was a young guy on the desk, his head buried in a textbook. We went through all the same routine, only this time I'd been beaten up during the robbery. He looked embarrassed. "All of America's not like this, you know. It's beautiful." He started talking about the Grand Canyon; after making a promise that I'd make a point of visiting it this trip, I turned and walked out.
When we got to the room, I started helping her off with her coat. As she turned so that her other arm came out of the sleeve, she asked without warning: "Are we going to see Mommy and Daddy now?"
"Not yet, we've still got things to do."
"I want my mommy. Nick. I want to go home. You promised."
"We will go soon, don't worry."
"Are you sure Mommy and Daddy and Aida will be there?"
"Of course they will be."
She didn't look convinced and sat on the edge of the bed. It was crunch time. I couldn't carry this on anymore. If we got out of this mess, I couldn't bring myself to let her be dumped on her grandparents or whoever and find out what a lying bastard I'd been all this time.
"Kelly.. ;' I sat next to her and started stroking her hair as she laid her head on my lap.
"Kelly, when you get home, Mommy, Daddy, and Aida will not be there. They've gone to heaven. Do you know what that means?"
I said it as almost a throwaway, not really wanting to get into it any deeper. I wanted her to say, "Oh, I see," and then ask me if we could have Mickey D's.
There was a pause while she thought about it. All I could hear was the hum of the air-conditioning.
Her face creased into a frown.
"Is it because I didn't help Daddy?"
I felt as if somebody were stabbing me. But it wasn't too hard a question; I felt OK. answering that one.
"Kelly, even if you had tried to help Daddy, they still would have died."
She was crying quietly into my leg. I rubbed her back and tried to think of something to say.
I heard: "I don't want them to be dead. I want to be with them."
"But you are." I was fumbling for words.
She lifted her face and looked at me.
"You are with them. Every time you do something that you did with them means they are with you."
She was trying to work this one out. So was I. "Every time I eat a pizza with mushrooms I think of your mommy and daddy, because I know your mommy liked them.
That's why they are never far away from me--and why Mommy, Daddy, and Aida will be with you all the time."
She looked at me, waiting for more.
"What do you mean?"
I had to think quickly.
"I mean, every time you put plates on a table Mommy will be with you because she showed you how. Every time you catch a ball, Daddy is with you because he taught you. Every time you show someone how to do something, Aida is with you--that's because you used to show her how to do things. You see, they are always with you!"
I didn't know how good it was, but it was the best I could come up with. She was back on my leg; I could feel the heat of her tears and breath.
"But I want to see them. When will I see them. Nick?"
I hadn't gotten through. I didn't know who was more upset, me or Kelly. A large lump was swelling in my throat. I had gotten into something I couldn't get out of.
"They aren't coming back, Kelly. They are dead. It's not because of anything you did or didn't do. They didn't want to leave you. Sometimes things happen that even grownups can't fix."
She lay there listening. I looked down. Her eyes were open, staring at the wall. I stopped stroking her and put my arm around her.
People need to show sadness and loss. Maybe this was the time for Kelly to do that. If so, I wanted to reach out, not cross the street. I just didn't know if this was how you did it.
"You will be with them one day, but not for a long time. You will have children first, just like Mommy. Then your children will be sad when you die, just like you are now. They all loved you very much, Kelly. I knew your mommy and daddy for only a few years. Just think--you knew them all your life!"
I saw a small smile moving across her face. She pressed her body closer into my legs.
"I want to stay with you. Nick."
"That would be nice but it wouldn't work. I travel a lot. You have to go to school and learn how to be a grownup."
"You can help me do that."
If only she knew. I hadn't even a garage to keep a bike in, let alone somewhere to look after a child.