I turned to face him. “Is that an admission or a denial?”
“Fuck you! So what if we did it. The little punks deserved it,” he answered.
I just nodded. “Thank you.” I turned back to the rest of the room. “Okay, since we have that out of the way, here’s what has happened since then. Six of the pledges have dropped out.” I rattled off their names. “I don’t know who they’ve told. You guys really fucked up this time!” I commented.
It was Ghormley’s turn to tell me, “Fuck you, Buckman! Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway?”
I smiled at him. “Ah, that would be the next point of the evening. I am the Chancellor. I was duly elected last spring. Does everybody remember that?”
“Fuck you.”
“Are you denying I’m the Chancellor? Or that I wasn’t elected? Do you want Billy to dig out his notes and read the attendance and the minutes of the meeting?” I looked around the room. “Anybody else doubt I’m the Chancellor?”
Bruno was on the side and sitting besides Joe Bradley. “Yeah, you’re the Chancellor. Why?”
I just smiled and held up the Kappa Gamma Sigma handbook. “Just checking. Everybody recognize this? It’s the Kegs handbook. I got mine back when I was a pledge. Remember that? We all had to memorize all sorts of stupid shit in here, and then we all forgot it the day after initiation. In the back of the handbook are our bylaws and governing rules. I bet nobody remembers them!” I even flipped the book open where I had already marked it and waved it around.
“Here we go, under Bylaw 20, Paragraph 6.” I tapped the book and then read the passage. “In the event the Chancellor declares an emergency, the Chancellor’s rulings shall apply, except when the Brotherhood votes a majority to declare the emergency over.” I looked around the room. “Everybody follow that?”
There was a lot of confusion in the room. “Okay, a brief history lesson. Our founders loved the British parliamentary system of governing. It’s where we get the silly names like Chancellor. In Parliament, the Prime Minister gets to run things. If the rest of Parliament disagrees, they get to vote him out in a vote of No Confidence, but if they don’t get enough votes, what the Prime Minister wants, he gets. Everybody follow me so far?”
I didn’t give anybody a chance to respond, but I looked around quickly and then said, “I hereby declare a state of emergency. That means I am going to tell you what we are going to do about this fine little mess we have, and then you are going to vote yes or no. If you vote yes, then you go along with what I say. If you vote no, you don’t. There will be no discussion. There will be no changes to what I decide. It’s yes or no. If enough of you vote no, then I will be out as Chancellor.”
“Then it’s NO, Buckman! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!” yelled Boris. Several of the other Dregs grumbled an assent to this.
“Then let me explain what will happen if I am voted out as Chancellor. The first thing I will do is mail the following letter. Let me read it to you.”
“Dear Grand Director;
I hereby tender my resignation as Chancellor of the Beta Phi Chapter of Kappa Gamma Sigma at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. On March 18, 1977 there was an incident involving hazing and sexual harassment at our Chapter House, involving several of the brothers and most of the current pledge class. Following the incident an attempt was made to rectify the problem utilizing the procedures set forth in Bylaw 20, Paragraph 6. The brotherhood did not vote to agree to a resolution of the problem.
As a result I am forced to resign my position as Chancellor. I also resign my membership in Kappa Gamma Sigma, and I intend to move out of the Chapter House. I will certainly be gone by the time this letter reaches you. A copy of this letter has also been sent to the President of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. I will cooperate fully with any fraternity or college investigations, as well as any civil or criminal investigations or court proceedings.
Thank you.
Carling Parker Buckman II”
I folded up my letter and stuffed it back into the envelope. There was a huge uproar around the circle at this. Most of the crones and Dregs were laughing, but everybody else was talking to each other, and the worry was palpable.
“This is fucking stupid,” said Ghormley. “There was no hazing and no sex involved. This is all bullshit!”
“You’re kidding me, right? No sexual harassment? You made them get buck naked, put their underwear on their heads, and crawl around like sperm! If that isn’t sexual harassment, I don’t know what is!” I replied.
“Fuck you.”
“What was that part about investigations?” asked Bradley.
“Well, what do you think is going to happen once National and RPI get their letters? The head of the frat was just thrown out on a hazing issue.” I looked over at Bruno. “Hey, Bruno, guess what? Remember that bit about only being a heartbeat away? Guess what happens the day after you become Chancellor? National and the President of the college get to crawl up your rectum and take up residence! Have fun!” Bruno looked horror stricken at the very concept. I turned back to the other brothers. “That’s going to be nothing! Wait until it comes out that you guys refused to address the issue. Wait until one of those kids tells Mommy and Daddy why they aren’t joining Kegs after all! Wait until Mommy and Daddy call their congressman and the district attorney and the states attorney and their own attorney! Wait until the Evening News shows up with a camera crew and parks their ass on the front lawn! I hope all you guys have good lawyers. I plan to cooperate fully in return for immunity. Have fun.”
Eyes were wide and jaws were slack by this point, and most everybody was silent, except for the three Dregs and even they were looking nervous.
“So what is the plan?” I heard from the center of the room, one of the juniors.
“Well, I’m glad you asked. Everybody understand what is going to happen if we don’t do anything? Everybody?” I didn’t wait for the answer. “Part One is simple. This ain’t ever going to happen again.”
I looked over at the three Dregs. “Brothers Goldstein and Hotaling. According to Bylaw 14, Paragraph 4,” I held up the handbook again, tapping the relevant section. “… Residence in the Chapter House is restricted to Brothers in good standing who are students at the Chapter’s college. Neither of you is a student in any college in the area, let alone RPI. You both dropped out years ago. You two are history. Pack your bags. You have 48 hours to get out, or we start throwing your shit into the dumpster.”
The Hammer had flunked out at the end of his sophomore year and had just been living in the house ever since, hanging out with his original pledge class. He worked at the UPS warehouse in Albany. Boris was even more pathetic. He had gotten into RPI on the basis of his junior year grades in high school, but in his senior year, he discovered drugs. He spent a year dropping acid every day, and nothing was left between his ears but cinders. He flunked Physics I seven different times at three different colleges in the area.
The room erupted into a clamor, with both the Hammer and Boris jumping in front of the table and yelling and pounding on the table. I just leaned back and let them yell. After about five minutes I started pounding my gavel, and most everybody quieted down, except for those two, and I motioned for a couple of the crones to grab these two and sit them back down.
“Listen, the first thing National is going to do when they show up — and they will show up, you know that — is to look at the residence records. If I don’t get rid of you, they will. Get over it. You have two days to move out.” Next I turned to Mike Ghormley. “Your turn. If it was up to me, I’d vote all three of you off the rolls and out of the brotherhood. I can’t do that. However, there have been a number of brothers over the years who’ve moved out and remained brothers. You just became one of them. You have 48 hours to get out.”