The plan was that I was going to pick her up on Friday and we would go out for dinner and a movie, but plans change. Around lunchtime, word came down that all pledges needed to be at the house after dinner, but that it wasn’t anything secret. You could bring a girl and head out afterwards. When I picked up Marilyn, I told her I didn’t know what was happening, but that we could eat over at Kegs and then go out afterwards. She simply shrugged and agreed.
Dinner was always served on the dot at six, so I picked her up and we drove over about half past five or so. I parked in the back, and as we walked into the main house, we saw several guys standing on the frozen surface of the swimming pool. We didn’t drain the pool, so the ice in mid-February was several inches thick. Curious, we wandered over to the edge, and were quite mystified. “What’s going on?” I asked.
Jack Jones and Bill Swayzack were in the process of cutting a hole in the ice with a chain saw, while Ted Mackinaw, a senior was supervising. Ted was the House Manager this year, and controlled all the power tools and the pool. Jack looked over and said, “What’s it look like we’re doing?! We’re cutting a hole in the ice.”
I turned towards Marilyn. “I know I’m going to regret this.” Turning back to the trio on the ice, I asked, “Why?”
“Tonight’s the polar bear swim,” answered Bill.
My eyes suddenly widened. Oh, Holy Christ! The polar bear swim! I had always managed to avoid this the last time through, but every winter you see these idiots on TV, cutting holes in the ice and going swimming. Kegs had a pool, so Kegs had to have a swim! “This is voluntary, right!?” I had no desire to jump in freezing water to prove my manliness.
“Absolutely!” Satisfied with their first hole, the three of them moved about six feet away and started carving a second hole in the ice.
Marilyn looked at me and was as stumped as I was. “What’s the second hole for?” she asked.
Ted gave an evil grin. “Well, the polar bears go down one hole, but they have to come up the other hole,” he said, pointing his finger. “Only baby seals jump in and climb back out, and you know what happens to baby seals, don’t you?”
This didn’t sound promising. “What?” I just had to ask.
It was Swayzack who answered. “Baby seals get clubbed to death, and then get skinned for their coats!”
Marilyn squawked at that. “That’s gross!”
“Come on, let’s go in and get out of the cold. It’s freezing out here! These idiots are going to catch pneumonia,” I told her.
“You aren’t going to…”
“NO WAY!”
The dining room was packed tonight, with most of the brothers, all of the pledges, and about half a dozen girlfriends. It was simple enough fare, being beef stew and bread, and the main topic was who were polar bears and who was going to become a polar bear. Several of my fellow pledges had decided to try it, along with a couple of sophomores who had skipped last year. As always, there were some real nuts who did it every year. No thank you! The only insanity in my family was Hamilton!
After dinner, Thad Johnson, the Chancellor, yelled for everyone to head to the formal room for a quick meeting. This was a bit curious, but I thought he just wanted to get a list of names of the next of kin for anybody dumb enough to jump in the pool. Suddenly there was a mad scramble as all of the brothers ran into the formal room. There was a definite pecking order in the seating arrangements. Seniors and quick juniors got the couches and armchairs, and sophomores and slow juniors lounged on the carpeted floor. Most girlfriends sat on laps, but Marilyn was offered a corner of a couch, and she crammed in. Joe Bradley moved to sit on the floor, but was stopped and ordered to stay upright. It was finally just us pledges standing in the formal room, surrounded by everybody else. Curiously, Thad was seated at a folding table and holding his gavel of office, like he did during house meetings, which I hadn’t started attending yet.
Thad motioned everyone into silence and then looked at the 15 pledges standing before him. “Pledges, you have been called here this evening for a most important reason. Tonight we will be having a trial. One of you has been charged with a crime for which there can be no excuse, and no leniency. One of you has profaned the oath you took as a pledge. One of you stands at the very edge of the abyss!” he thunderously intoned.
We were all standing in a line, and every one of us was staring up and down the line! Who did what, and to whom? Even I was getting worried, since this never happened the first time. What was going on?!
“The charge is behavior unbecoming of a Kegger! Grab him!”
Suddenly a bunch of guys behind me grabbed me, and I found myself wrapped up in a pile of bodies before I could even move, let alone fight them off. “What!?” I yelled. “Me???”
Most of the brothers were laughing now, although the other pledges were totally mystified, as was I. Un-Kegger-like behavior was charged about once a year, usually in the late spring or early fall, after an especially rowdy party, and almost always involved women and booze. The miscreant would be found guilty in a kangaroo court and chucked in the pool. I had seen that before — but what had I done?
Thad motioned for quiet again, and continued on. “The charge, Mister Buckman — because as of this instant I no longer dare call you Pledge Buckman — is behavior unbecoming of a Kegger. It has been levied by Brother Ghormley after much consultation. How do you plead?”
“What are you talking about!?” I tried to squirm free, but I had hands on both arms. “When did I do anything to Mike?”
“You have failed to show the respect, the deference, and yes, even the brotherly love due to a fellow member of Kappa Gamma Sigma. You placed yourself, a mere pledge, above a brother. You even got into a drunken fight with somebody so superior to you as to be beyond belief! How do you plead?”
“This is crazy!”
“Your honor, my client pleads not guilty!” said Marty Adrianopolis, standing up and coming over to me. The other pledges were motioned to sit on the floor as witnesses.
“Your client?” I asked.
“Brother Adrianopolis has consented to be your defense attorney, worthless worm that you are,” explained Thad. He waved a hand grandly to the side and said, “And Brother Holloway will be the prosecutor. Brother Holloway, you may begin.”
“This is crazy!” I repeated. Everybody laughed, and I could see Marilyn loosening up as well.
Ricky stood up and came up to me, shaking his head in disgust, before turning to face Ghormley, who was sitting in an armchair with a look of happy superiority. If he couldn’t win at the duel, he had another way to beat me! “Brother Ghormley, is it true that this scum challenged you to a duel at the party last week?”
“It is!”
“Wait a minute, he challenged me!” I protested.
“Silence your client!” said Thad.
“I apologize, your honor. He’s only a pledge and doesn’t know better,” answered Marty. I rolled my eyes at that.
Ricky asked the next question. “And did he win the duel?”
Ghormley smiled and said, “Yes, and he cheated, too!”
Cries of, “Shame! Shame!” filled the room.
“Your honor, I rest my case!” Ricky sat down with a flourish.
“Brother Adrianopolis, your response?”
Marty looked at me and shook his head. “Well, your honor, my client is an asshole!” The room erupted into laughter.
“Jesus Christ! That’s your defense? I’m an asshole?” I blurted out.
“Your honor, he convicts himself with his own words!” cried out Ricky. “He has admitted to being an asshole!” The place really went nuts at that. Even Marilyn was laughing.