His words leave me wanting to touch him, to hold him, to be close to him in any way, but he keeps the conversation from coming back around to him. “So tell me about Adeline. What was she like growing up?” Oh here we go…
***
My gaze shifts to hers as I wait for their response.
“She was smart, beautiful, the perfect daughter really…” Spoken by her mother, Andrea.
“And occasionally good at making a fool of herself!” Spoken by Sam.
Sam gets my vote, and I can’t help but question him further as Adeline’s cheeks flush with my favorite shade of scarlet. “A fool, huh? How so?”
“Well, once when she was performing in the musical Guys and Dolls, she forgot to put a slip on under her skirt that she then had to tear off in one of the scenes… She tore… But there was nothing there but underwear… She screeched and ran off stage. Her mom and I weren’t sure she’d ever recover from that one…” Her father’s voice trails off in remembrance, and his brow is screwed up in fatherly consternation; her mother slaps his shoulder, and the flush in Adeline’s cheeks deepens with the heat of her embarrassment. Oh her dear, sweet, humiliating father; I like him.
My humiliation was difficult to swallow, but delving into her life eases my conscious considerably. I laugh as I imagine her mishap, but the part of my groin attached to my brain is throbbing with the visualizing of this scene playing out in front of me.
The silly tails of her upbringing and her ever present need to embarrass herself are as much heartwarming as they are a turn-on. She has an amazing family. Her parents love her dearly, and I can see why she’s so close to them. Most of the time, my less than favorable upbringing doesn’t bother me, but it’s times such as these I wish for such a relationship in my life. I’ve missed out by not having this type of incredible close relationship with my parents, but I can usually push it away. On this day, I can see the importance of it in her life, and I’m reminded however much I may want to be so important to her, they are her world, not me.
As the conversation shifts from one thing to another, eventually making its way back to Adeline’s internship, I join in the talk, not realizing until it’s too late I’ve just outed Adeline in a way she doesn’t appreciate. “Well you must be excited she’ll be moving back to Des Moines once she’s graduated?”
I thought it was an innocent question. It never occurred to me she might actually be hiding this wee bit of information from her parents, but I realize not only is she hiding our intimate familiarity from them—I’m not complaining—but she’s also managed to forget to tell her parents she’ll be returning to Iowa after graduation as well.
Her eyes widen considerably as she chokes on a drink of tea. “Well, I just haven’t gotten a job here yet, and I can’t imagine I will before graduation at this point. I can’t afford to stay with no job…” She’s desperate to reassure them as her words tumble out. She looks to me, and I flinch at the discomfort in her eyes.
“But, Addy, you can’t leave Chicago. You’ve told us a hundred times this is where you need to be for a career in design.” Her mother’s expression looks concerned, her father looks gruff, and Adeline looks damn near devastated.
I want to rescue her once again. I want to rescue her from the people who love her more than any other in the world, perhaps beside me, and I say the only thought in my mind. It’s desperate, perhaps inappropriate, and not just a little unethical. “You could stay with me if you needed a place while you look for a job.”
Every eye at the table snaps to mine, and I want to slink away. Adeline, or apparently “Addy,” watches me cautiously, Sam regards me with a sudden suspicion that wasn’t there before, and Andrea looks from Adeline to me curiously. She’s as suspicious as Sam, but with far more intuition to back it up. Sam is merely being fatherly and protective. Andrea sees deeper though, and the knowing expression that trails after her gaze as it bounces from one to the other of us is enough to have me paranoid she was watching every last touch, taste, and consummation I took of her daughter’s body.
But this is more than my simple need to own her body. I want her here as much for her career as my need to keep her close. She does need to be here for her career, and there’s that all too familiar need to see her succeed. She’s too good at what she does to leave, and she was speaking the truth when she told her parents this is where she needs to be. It’s legitimate, it’s necessary if she wants to make a name for herself, and I can help her with this … if she can stand to be so close to me.
She is staring at me as I study the table, waiting for her father to pummel me and for her mother to call me out for being the man who wants her daughter, but neither happen, and I hold her gaze with an intense need to have this part of her life locked down.
She gives little away when she comments, “That wouldn’t be a good idea,” as her gaze moves from my eyes back to her parents. Her mother’s eyes regard me for a moment longer before returning to Adeline’s.
“Addy, you know we just want you to be happy, and if this is what you really want, then we’ll support you.” My mind is screaming, Don’t support her, don’t support her! Let me support her! It’s my job to care for her! But I sit stoically by, watching.
When the check is finally left at the table, I take it quickly, handing it back to our waiter with my card. Her father argues, but I stop him. “Please. I insist. It’s my pleasure, and you will have all the opportunity in the world to spend your money in Washington, which by the way, we should really get you both to the airport soon.”
Her father looks at his watch and agrees, and the business of the check is soon forgotten in his concern for getting them to O’Hare on time. Adeline sits in the front seat next to me on the drive to the airport. Sam and Andrea are speaking casually with each other about the trip while Adeline and I are silent, ignoring each other. When I pull to the curb, they exit, and while I unload their luggage from the trunk of my car, they say their good-byes. I’m awkward, as though I’m invading her life in some way, but I catch sight of the tears in her eyes, and I still.
“We love you, dear.” Her mother is crying as well while her father fights to hide his emotions.
“I love you too.” Adeline’s response is all that is needed for her tears to spill, and her mother pulls her into a tight hug. Her father hugs her as well. I shake her father’s hand and kiss her mother’s cheek once more before they walk away together. Adeline is watching them, missing them before they are even out of sight, and I run the back of my fingers down her arm to her wrist before clasping her hand within mine. When her mother turns to look once more, Adeline instantly pulls her hand from mine. The rejection and pain is swift as my hand registers the loss of her warmth, and my heart registers the utter loss of her.
The rest of our day moves quickly, and once back at the office she returns to her desk with little more than a quick, “Thanks for lunch.”
I want her back. I want her to want me back as well, and the fact she doesn’t or won’t allow herself to feel her want for me is painful. Her parents were such an amazing insight into who she is, and I’m more obsessed with her now than I ever imagined I would be. They are an amazing family that loves one another in a way I have never experienced. No wonder I failed so easily at my first marriage. Were I to have experienced this kind of love growing up, I would have understood the commitment needed to sustain a real and lasting relationship. For the first time in my life, I see the shortcomings of my shallow and pathetic existence. Her life has shown me what it is to truly commit to another, and I want to commit to her.