Elsa set the paring knife down, unsure of how to respond. Slowly, her eyes found his. She wanted to run to him and hold him, and make whatever pain he was feeling, go away. He wasn’t himself, but she liked this man. The one staring at her, waiting for either approval or denial. The real Victor. But Mr. Black was there, too; hiding within the depths of his amazingly beautiful eyes, waiting for the moment he could tear her heart to shreds and brutalize her in some twisted form or another. She licked her lips and picked the knife back up to finish preparing dinner for him, leaving his statement to linger in the air.
Lucky? Hell no. Nathan wasn’t lucky. No one in this make-believe triangle was anything but fucked-over. They all simply existed in a state of self loathing, denial or oblivion. For her, she weaved in and out of all three at any given moment. Right now, she felt nothing but self-loathing for having made Victor confess his worst memory. And for what? What was making him recall all of those horrible details accomplishing? Not a damned thing except to satisfy her own sick curiosity about him and exact revenge on him for having rejected her love and then abandoned her to seek out other chapters.
She willed herself not to look at him, but she couldn’t resist and her eyes once again fixed on him. His gaze had drifted to something that didn’t exist in the physical realm, his expression sullen and withdrawn. What he had confessed was too much for him to bear.
“I didn’t have anything to do with that attack,” he gulped noisily.
She left what she was doing and went to him, seating herself in his lap and hugging him close, not caring if Mr. Black lashed out.
“I know... I know,” she reassured him.
After each harsh thing he had put her through, he had always taken care of her, physically and emotionally, drawing her close and warming her with his body. Now it was her turn to care for him in the aftermath of his admission. She rocked him and barely fought the urge to weep at his feet for having made him speak of the dreadful atrocities of his past.
“My sweet, brave Victor,” she whispered in his ear. “Life is cruel… too cruel sometimes. There’s so much darkness, but it gets better… brighter…” she lied to him and herself.
Things had been dark since that dreadful last day with him. That day, her light had nearly been extinguished. Nearly, but not completely, though it might as well have been snuffed out. Hell, not even Nate could rekindle it. Since that day, her life had become flat - the sex, her emotions, and even the job she once loved. All of her senses which had previously been razor sharp now bore the dullness of a rusty butter knife. No more passion; no more heat. Everything luke. Fucking. Warm.
Victor’s rejection and Mr. Black’s brutalization had condemned her to an emotional death sentence, though she would never give either of them the satisfaction of knowing that. Gazing down at the man in her arms, she realized they both wore their masks of contentment well. To the outside world, they both appeared normal, even well-adjusted. All of it – a lie they both told to the people around them and themselves.
And here she sat, holding onto him trying to ease his pain as she struggled with her own. She hated herself for still feeling compassion and empathy for him after all the pain he caused her and was still causing. But, she couldn’t deny Victor what he so desperately needed. It would be unbearably cruel to do so and she would only end up hating herself if she did. She’d be lying to herself, too, if she didn’t admit that while sitting there, holding him, she felt emotionally alive again and so much warmer than tepid.
“No it doesn’t. The darkness just goes on and on…” he whispered back, his arms hanging by his side as he sat motionless in her embrace. “If only I could experience your light just once,” he choked out.
Victor’s smothered words tore at her resolve. Holding his face in her small hands, she gently pulled away to look into his dejected eyes and lied again. “I have enough for the both of us…” God, she hoped…prayed… she had enough for the both of them.
“Even after everything I’ve done to you?” his brows pinched together.
“I don’t want to think about that,” she swallowed hard, finally speaking truthfully.
“And I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s there. Between us. Like a wall too high to climb. It always will be.”
She shook her head in denial though she knew he was right. In the blink of an eye, he was there in Victor’s eyes, Mr. Black, clawing his way back through his clouded and weakened emotional state. “No, Victor, don’t give in. You’re so much stronger than Mr. Black,” her tears began to fall unbidden.
“I’m not,” he traced the line of her tears, “I wish I was…” and kissed them away before he blinked long and hard.
When his eyes reopened, Victor was gone, his sad, bright-green eyes now a dull shade of jade. “You’re free to leave,” his mouth twitched with agitation as he pushed her off his lap.
And just like that, their moment was over and there was nothing more she could say or do.
“I can’t drive in this weather. The snow…”
Victor rose slowly. “Fine, but leave me the hell alone.”
She heard his footsteps on the stairs and the door to his office quietly shut.
She placed what she had made in the microwave and set the timer. When it was finished, she set the plate on the floor in front of his office and knocked once before withdrawing to his bedroom. She hoped the roads would be clear soon.
Half the day passed in silence and the plate of food sat untouched. Her thoughts kept returning to what had happened with the man in the alley. She was damned lucky to be alive. Facing her own possible demise was a slap across the face and a harsh reminder that life is short. Too short to spend time with people who aren’t genuine. Too short to surround herself with negativity when there was nothing to be gained. And too damned short to waste her time in a loveless relationship. Yes, she had made the right decision.
Late in the afternoon after the roads had cleared, the police department had been kind enough to have her car towed to Victor’s house. With the light of day diminishing, she knew it was time to leave.
After gathering her belongings and a quick text message to Nick, she descended the stairs and waited by the door for Victor to see her out as he had always done. She stood alone for nearly five minutes before accepting that he wasn’t coming. He had retreated, too beaten down by his recollection of ghastly memories, and she had no one to blame but herself.
Her body began to shake when she realized that Mr. Black would never forgive her for having instated her own rules and demanding that Victor reveal his secrets.
Tomorrow or the next, she would pay for having put them both through hell.
***
The sound of Elsa’s footsteps on the stairs and the front door closing brought Victor out of his haze. He heard the rev of her engine and bolted, barefoot, out the front door, to her car. When she saw him, she rolled down her window.
“Don’t leave. The roads are still shitty and…”
The roads and weather had nothing to do with the reason he wanted her to stay, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit he needed her. Not after what had happened.
She wavered and he could see the indecision written on her sullen face. He reached into her window and across her body, turning the ignition off. Reaching into her back seat, he retrieved her bag and led her back inside.
The silence between them should’ve been awkward, but too much had transpired between the two of them for anything to be uncomfortable anymore. She knew everything about him. Absolutely. Everything. And she had stayed. For hours. Listening and waiting for him to come out of his office. He had watched her during that time, unable to face her out of shame for what he had done to her.