“This isn’t permanent, Elsa. It’s just until I get my mind right,” she heard over her shoulder. She couldn’t bear to look at him and stood motionless in the threshold of the door. “I know I shouldn’t ask you to wait. I know it wouldn’t be fair, but…” he pulled her back inside by her upper arm. “I’m asking you to wait…” his voice was a low, aching rasp that curled through her on a wave of heat.
“Don’t make me leave, Victor,” she began to cry. “Don’t make me leave you again.” His arms crushed her, pulling her firmly against his chest. Nuzzling his face into her hair, his hot panting breath could be felt on her ear. “I don’t want to you go, but I’m sick. I need help. I don’t want to hurt you…”
Facing him, she melted under his gaze. “You promised when the game was over that…”
“I know what I fucking promised,” he gripped her by the shoulders harshly, his glassy gaze burning into her. “I don’t care.” His words came out strained and he suddenly backed away from her, mortified at his admission. “I know what I should do… What needs to be done… You deserve to be happy; to love and be loved, but I can’t let you go. I can’t. I’m not that strong. I need you. And I hate that I need you and that I’m weak, and that I’ll never be a man worthy of your love.”
Frozen with emotion, Elsa merely stared at him.
“Fuck,” he whispered, stumbling backwards toward the stairs, falling onto them. “You won’t wait for me, will you? You hate me. And I can’t blame you…” he rested his elbows on his knees and ran his nails over his scalp. “I never should have let you walk out that day…” His gaze became fixed on the wall behind her as his statement went unfinished. “I wish you had found me before Chapter One… Before all the others. We might have had a chance then.”
Her body stiffened, tears rapidly filling her eyes. “If you’re just saying these things for the sake of keeping me hanging on… If you’re lying to me… I’ll never forgive you. Not ever. I’ve forgiven you, so please, please, Victor, tell me this isn’t part of the game and that you feel the same way,” she begged, finally allowing her walls to fall down around her.
Slowly his eyes met hers. “I stopped playing the game the night you told me you weren’t engaged anymore; the night I realized I could never win this game with you. You won the first time we played and you’ve won again.”
Her mouth hung open. He had been the winner the first time. Didn’t he realize that? She had been the loser. Or had she? Had she been wrong all along? Were they both losers? Of course they were. There would never be a winner in this fucked up game.
“Everything after that night has been me, Elsa. Me. Didn’t you see that? Couldn’t you really see me?” he pleaded.
Her vision clouded over as she tried to recall every word, every action after that night. Realization came slowly, but it came. Yes, there had been a change in him; a shift in his attitude; a slow transformation of his treatment of her. His unprompted confession about who his father was and so much more. She had been so blinded by the fear of having her heart broken that she had missed the signs when they were flashing like neon lights all around her.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” A stray tear fell from her eye.
“Would you have believed me?”
No. She wouldn’t have. It took this, this heartfelt confession, to convince her.
Kneeling before him, she held his face. “I don’t hate you, Victor; I hate what you did. What Mr. Black did. I already told you that.”
“I can’t change that. I wish I could, Christ, I wish I could. Holy hell…” his lashes became heavy with unshed tears. “I had a plan for every scenario with you, but I never planned on this; on the game really ending. What the fuck am I going to do now?”
“You’re going to let me love you like you should have the first time I offered.”
His eyes widened with disbelief and his breathing halted. “After everything, after all the things I shared, you still want to love me…”
The words hung in the air like a thick mist and Elsa didn’t know if what he said was a question or a statement, or if he had spoken them to her or to himself.
“That’s all I ever wanted,” she touched the top of his hand.
“But loving me won’t be easy,” he held her shoulders.
“Anything worth having never is.”
***
Victor stood and pulled her upright. “Then wait for me, Elsa. I can’t do this with you until I’m mentally healthy. And I’m so far from that it’s frightening.”
He didn’t want to make her go but it was what needed to be done. He guided her to the door again and pulled it open. When her shoulders began to shake from her deep sobs, he bit his lower lip to stop himself from reacting the same way. As she stepped out into the wintery night, he prayed she would wait for him. She took in a big gulp of air, held it and in an instant, her crying stopped.
She was so strong. Much stronger than he was. He admired her strength and resilience.
When she climbed into her car and drove away, he allowed himself to finally grieve what his life had become.
Anthony wasn’t his father. He’s wasn’t the offspring of a sociopath. His mother hadn’t been sociopath anymore than he was; she was merely a mean, abusive drunk. The rage quickly built up in him that he hadn’t done the very thing Elsa had and compared his DNA against Anthony’s. It was such a simple thing and could’ve spared him so much agony. But Elsa was right: he saw what he wanted to see. He had hurt all those people and for what? A lie he had convinced himself was real.
After tearing his office apart in a furious rampage, he collapsed onto his bed and stared at the darkened ceiling.
His own deep breathing drowned out the sound of his thudding heart in his ears.
“You can’t do this alone. I won’t let you,” he heard Elsa’s voice.
He turned his head to see her standing in the doorway of the bedroom. Rising up on his elbows he stared blankly at her.
“If we’re doing this, we’re doing it together or not at all. This can only work between us if we’re both present and committed to one another, no matter how ugly things may get. And I’m dedicated to you and to making this work. If you’re not, then tell me right now.” Her body swayed as light from the hallway bathed her body and glowed all around her tear-streaked face and ember-colored locks. “If you say no to me right now, it will be the last time you say no. I’ll walk out that door and I won’t be waiting for you, Victor. I’ll be trying to piece my life back together and moving on.”
The thought of Elsa moving on without him tore his heart to shreds.
“Please say yes, Victor,” she begged.
In the blink of an eye, he stood and swept her into his arms, carrying her to the bed with her face buried in his neck, her feminine scent making him light-headed. “Yes, Elsa. Yes.” He breathed into her hair. Laid out in his arms, he stared down at her with fear, worry, and a feeling he couldn’t identify coursing through his veins. “I can’t promise that this thing between us will last forever, but if there’s anyone I ever want to have a forever with, it’s you. I… I love…” he struggled to put into words what he should have said eons ago with a pained expression creasing his face and making him feel older than he was.
Swiftly she placed her hand over his mouth. “You don’t have to say anymore.”
“No, I need to say it…” if not for any other reason but to remind myself that he could still feel. Several long moments later the words he had been so terrified of saying, effortlessly came out as if they had been hovering on his lips and waiting to come out all along.