"Adrian, you're fine the way you are—"
"I don't want to be fine. I want to be noticed, and loved, and better than Chelsea at something."
I couldn't have moved if I'd wanted to. My insides felt like they'd been shredded. It's not my fault, I wanted to say. Why can't you see that none of this is my fault? How can you hate me for being pretty and popular? What did she want from me? Misery? And at the same time I understood everything she said, and I hurt for her.
The living room was quiet for a moment and I knew my mother had wrapped her arms around Adrian. "Honey, you are loved. Very loved."
"Chelsea could have any guy she wanted but she went after Rick. She had to prove she could take anything she wants away from me."
Mom's voice was still soothing. "You don't really think there's anything going on between Rick and Chelsea, do you?"
"Who did she go out with last night?"
Mom paused. "I don't remember his name, offhand."
This was because I'd been purposely vague about the matter. I hadn't wanted her to realize I was dating a college guy.
"Exactly," Adrian said as though offering evidence in a court. "Chelsea never told us his name, but she came home in Rick's brother's car."
"Are you sure?" Mom asked.
"I'm sure. I guess they thought I wouldn't figure it out if Rick didn't drive his jeep."
I went back into my room then. I knew Mom would momentarily be storming in to question me and I didn't want to let her know I'd eavesdropped on the whole conversation.
I sat on my bed, picked up a novel, and stared down at the pages. I couldn't have read it if I wanted to. My hands shook too badly.
It would be so easy to tell both of them the truth. I just had to explain that I'd gone out with Tanner and I would be cleared of all charges. Mom would rejoice that I hadn't stabbed my sister in the back again. Adrian would forgive me for holding Rick's hand. Everything would be fine.
For the first thirty seconds I sat there, I planned on doing just that.
But then I thought one step further. After Adrian learned the truth, she would also forgive Rick. She'd probably even apologize to him for calling him a hypocrite at school. And then they would get back together. I could see it happening as clearly as I could see the book in front of me.
I had—in effect—sent Adrian to Rick when I'd betrayed her the first time. She said the only reason she'd chosen him was that he was the type of guy who didn't like me. So when she'd come to high school, she had just looked through the assortment of boy burn-outs in order to find someone to mend her ego.
Rick had worked, but he wasn't good for her. He didn't really love her. Rick was like my father, the kind of person who only cared about himself. If she stayed with him who knew where she'd end up.
But I could save her. And I could redeem myself from my mistake with Travis. All I had to do was keep my mouth shut and let her stay mad at Rick. Indefinitely if possible. So what if she was mad at me too? That had been the constant in our relationship for over a year.
Mom opened the door without knocking. "I need to talk to you."
I put down my book and waited. All I had to do was to hide Tanner without it looking like I was hiding Tanner.
"Adrian said you went out with Rick yesterday. Did you?"
My sister was probably somewhere nearby, listening. I waited a second to make my answer less convincing. "No."
"He didn't bring you home in his brother's car?"
"No." All the truth.
"Then why does Adrian think he did?"
I shrugged. "Because she wants to get me in trouble?"
Mom let out a sigh, but didn't contradict me. Her voice turned soft, and I knew she didn't know who to believe. "Adrian is going through a hard time right now. We need to be understanding, supportive . . ." Her voice faded off. She looked at my bedspread, then back at me. "Just promise me you won't do anything to hurt your sister, okay?"
"I won't," I said.
One day Adrian would realize what I'd done for her. One day she'd thank me.
Chapter 15
The next day Mom left for her geriatrics conference in Arizona. She lined up Adrian and me in the kitchen in the morning and gave us all sorts of cheery instructions about what was in the freezer for us to eat, taking out the trash, house rules—that sort of thing. She would be at the conference Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday then return home Saturday, but wouldn't reach Pullman until the evening, long after my audition for High School Idol was over.
I couldn't blame her for missing it. She'd told me about the conference before I decided to audition. Besides, I knew she didn't want to go. She kept glancing at Adrian and me saying, "You two will do your best to get along, right? No fights?"
"Right," I'd always answer.
Adrian only shrugged.
She gave us more instructions, told me she only wanted me driving the car when I had to, and told Adrian not to drive it at all. Adrian only had her learner's permit. Then Mom hugged us good-bye. We walked to school without talking, mostly because Adrian had her headphones firmly connected to her ears and wouldn't look at me.
I spent the time thinking about Tanner. Without even trying I could conjure up his face in my mind—from his piercing blue eyes to the straight line of his jaw. He'd made Rick apologize to me. Something I'd never thought was possible.
But he was Rick's—my archenemy and sister's ex-boyfriend's—brother. Plus, I was trying to hide him from Adrian. The boy might as well have had "Danger! Do Not Touch!" stamped across his forehead.
I knew I couldn't see him again. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I'd have to give him up for Adrian's sake. All the way to school this thought clung to me like to cold rain from a downpour. When he called me, I would have to tell him that I couldn't see him again. I tried to think of a subtle and painless way to do this. I couldn't think of anything—anything that wouldn't be painful to me, anyway.
Then I worried whether I'd have the resolve to break it off with him when I really didn't want to. Was there a way I could see him and keep it from Adrian?
All my worrying was for nothing, though, because the entire day went by without a word from Tanner.
Thursday morning at school our topic of conversation with my friends was, "Do guys really mean it when they say they'll call you later?"
"It's only been a little while," Aubrie pointed out. "He probably just doesn't want to look too eager. He'll call."
But Aubrie is illogically optimistic, so you can't weigh her opinion too heavily.
"I think he'll call you," Samantha put in. "After all, he took you to meet his parents. Guys don't do that unless they really like a girl."
Rachel, the dating goddess, bit her lip and didn't say anything.
"Well?" I asked her.
"You seemed needy when you called him about Adrian. Nothing scares off guys faster. A little helplessness, they like. It makes them feel macho to be bigger and stronger, but they flee from girls who are needy, depressed, or high maintenance. In fashion world terms, you gave yourself a dry-clean-only label for a wash-and-wear guy." Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Look at it this way though: you messed up on Tanner, but think of how well prepared you'll be for the next guy."