“Oh, yeah?” Audrey plays along. “Is he hot?”
“The hottest!” I squeal. An entire group of girls one table over turns to see what’s happening. When they go back to their lunches, we resume our conversation.
“What about you?” I ask seriously. “You never talk about any guys besides celebrities.”
“What’s the point?” Audrey says in a rare moment of defeatism. Then she bounces back. “Anyway, most of the true hotties graduated. Oh, man, like Bear Williams. He looks like a young Jake.”
“You’re Gyll-obsessed,” I joke. “And Bear? That can’t be his real name.”
“It is. I swear.”
“I don’t know how anyone could take him seriously with a name like Bear.”
“That’s because you’ve never seen Bear Williams. Maybe I’ll invite him to your birthday event.”
I choke on a baby carrot.
“Excuse me?” I ask. “My birthday what?”
“Your birthday event,” Audrey says. “Don’t try to pretend that your sweet sixteen isn’t on Saturday, Daisy West.”
“What are you going to do?” I ask, a little afraid, but mostly flattered.
“You’ll have to wait and see,” Audrey says cryptically. “I mean, it’s not a party or anything, but I think you’ll like it.”
“That’s really nice of you,” I say.
“Well, it’s not all me,” Audrey admits. “My brother might have told a little white lie about where he is right now.”
My stomach flips as I start to ponder what the McKean siblings could possibly be planning for me.
Saturday morning, Mason makes me pancakes with candles and gives me an iTunes gift card and a voucher for driving lessons. Cassie hands over a store-bought greeting card with twenty dollars inside.
“Thanks, you guys,” I say. “This is really sweet.”
“Well, you only turn sixteen once,” Mason says, smiling genuinely.
“Happy birthday,” Cassie says before retreating to the basement to work. Mason calls after her that he’ll be down in a minute.
“So, how’s everything going?” he asks when we’re alone.
“Fine,” I say.
“You seem to be spending a lot of time with Audrey,” Mason says. He coughs once. “And her brother.”
“Yeah,” I say, turning pink. Mason looks a little uncomfortable, but he presses on.
“Is he a good guy?” he asks. “Is he nice to you?”
“Yes,” I say, fighting a grin. “He’s nice to me. You’d like him. You should get to know him better.”
“And Audrey?” Mason asks, changing the subject. I know Mason views people outside the program as audience members for his elaborate performance, not as friends. I can tell that he’s still worried that I’m going to share too much. It makes me feel a little guilty that I already have.
“Audrey seems to be doing better,” I say, shrugging it off. “She looks a lot better and acts like she has more energy.” I smile, trying to make myself believe.
“That’s good,” Mason says. He opens his mouth to say something else, then closes it again. Having known him for so long, I can read his mind: I know he wants to tell me not to be naïve about cancer. But it’s my birthday, so he holds back. Finally, instead he says, “Well, I should go down before Cassie blows a fuse.”
I snort into my water glass at Mason’s reference to Cassie, the machine.
“Good luck with that,” I say.
“Thanks,” Mason says, grinning at me. He takes a step toward the door before turning back. “Hey, kid, happy birthday, again. You’ve grown into… Well, I’m proud of you.”
Mason walks over and kisses me on the head before quickly going downstairs, leaving me feeling full of love and admiration for the parent I would have picked anyway. Even if he wasn’t assigned to me.
With everyone accounted for, I go to the office and search for the bazillionth time for the mysterious Case 22 file, reasoning that maybe since it’s my birthday, I’ll find it.
No luck.
So, I shower and get ready, then call Audrey.
“When’s this event starting?” I ask.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“I’m ready.”
In honor of my special day, Audrey’s mom lets her drive solo so we can have some girl time. Audrey picks me up in her happy car and takes me to the mall for coffee, pedicures, and the cute T-shirt of my choice (I select a supersoft tee with a pop art Einstein on it—which looks a lot cooler than it sounds). After that, we head back to Audrey’s house to change for what she calls the real present.
“Put this on,” Audrey says as she hits me in the face with an unidentified article of clothing. I’m brushing my hair at her vanity; she’s buried in her closet, trying to find exactly the right outfit.
“Uh…” I say, taking in the royal blue tank dress.
“What?” Audrey asks. “It’ll make your eyes pop. And you can’t wear jeans. It’s a special occasion!”
“I guess,” I say, frowning at the dress.
“Don’t you like it?” she asks. “It’s one of my favorites.”
“No, it’s not that,” I say. “It’s really cute. I just don’t wear a lot of dresses.”
“Well, you should,” Audrey says warmly before throwing silver leggings and a cropped black jacket at me. I give in and get dressed. She emerges with ankle boots in her hands, which, thankfully, she doesn’t throw at me.
“See!” she shouts when I’m dressed. “The blue is awesome with your eyes.” She grabs my shoulders and wheels me around to face the mirror. “You look like a model. Matt is going to die.”
“Thanks, Aud.”
“No problem,” she says. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go borrow one of my mom’s necklaces.”
I sit back down at Audrey’s vanity and use some of her makeup. Just as I’m applying a little light pink blush, I hear movement in the hallway. I turn to see Matt passing by on his way to the shower. He’s carrying a towel and, as usual when he’s at home, he’s barefoot.
Our eyes meet.
“Wow,” he says softly. We hold each other’s stare for so long it feels dirty—in a good way. Neither of us says anything else, which makes it even more powerful. His eyes take in my hair, my exposed shoulder where the jacket is falling down on one side. We’re a room away from each other and I can feel his eyes on me like fingertips.
“Move it along,” I hear Audrey say to him from the hallway. “Drool later.”
The bubble burst, Matt grins sheepishly and turns away.
The “real” gift is third-row tickets to Arcade Fire.
“It’s like an eclipse,” I say about the chances of my favorite band playing in town on my birthday. “Or a meteor shower.”
“It’s pretty awesome,” Matt says as he watches the roadies set up.
Even though I thought she was joking, Audrey did actually invite Bear to the show. I glance over at them and silently agree that okay, fine, he does look a little like Jake Gyllenhaal.
But still he’s not as cute as Matt.
“This is the most amazing birthday ever,” I say in Matt’s ear.
“You deserve it,” he says in mine before kissing my neck and leaving me with head-to-toe goose bumps.
As the opening act begins to play, when the bass and the drums and the guitar and the screaming make it too loud to hear shouting let alone my whispered voice, I say, “I love you.” I know he can’t hear me, but I put it out into the universe anyway.
And for now, that’s enough.
twenty-four
The next Friday, I realize that nothing can stay perfect forever.
Audrey goes home sick from school, and even though I talk to her after fourth period and she seems fine, I’m still concerned.
And then Matt and I have our first fight.
It happens after school, when I’m packing for a four-day trip to Seattle. I’m joining Mason and Cassie on their annual pilgrimage to the Northwest for Fabulous Megan’s test. They’ll poke and prod during the day, and Megan and I will have bonding time at night. As much as I love being around Matt and Audrey, I can’t wait to just “be” with Megan. There’s something about spending time with someone who’s known you forever. It’s effortless.