“You don’t smile anymore.”
“What?” I’m at Emily’s bedside, playing a tough round of hangman when she drops that tidbit on me. She’s back at the hospital for one of her last chemo treatments.
“You used to always smile. Now you look sad.”
I give her a half-hearted attempt at a real grin, but fail miserably and go for the truth. “I am sad.”
“Girl problems?”
“What do you know about girl problems, Emily?”
“You smiled!”
I laugh a little. “I did?”
She fist bumps the air. “Yes, you did!”
Two weeks have gone by. Two fucking weeks and I haven’t heard a single word from the woman who crashed into my soul. Hours feel like days, days feel like weeks and each week has felt like the longest year of my life.
I’ve moved into her place. Sleeping in her big white bed, drinking out of her coffee cups and watching all of her recorded shows. Her cell never rings. Goes directly to voice mail each time I call. And texts? Forget it, they show up as undelivered.
Her friends are worried, and I’m losing my mind. I spend all my time at the track or with Emily, only walking into my place to grab some clothes. I’ve even succumbed to showering in her bathroom and using all her girly soap to get as much of her as I can.
My heart is broken, and I’m a complete mess. But I need to get my shit together around this little girl. She has enough to deal with to not have to worry about me.
“I’ll be okay, Sweet Pea. You worry about your health, and I’ll do my best to smile more. Deal?”
“Deal. What happened?”
Scratching the side of my head, I’m not sure how to answer this question. “We got mad at each other and she left.”
“Go after her.” She says this like it’s a no brainer.
“I would if I knew where she was.”
“Hellooo. Isn’t that what cell phones are for?” Wow, she’s pretty sassy for an eight-year-old.
This time my smile is genuine. “She won’t answer her phone.”
“Track it. You know, like GPS style.”
That makes me laugh. “GPS style? You’re watching way too much television in here, Emily. But I like the way you think.”
She’s quiet for a moment and then she asks, “Are you still mad at her? Because you know, people make mistakes and it’s important to forgive them.”
“You sound very wise for your age, Em. But no, I’m not still mad at her, worried about her, but not mad.”
She nods in understanding and suddenly Susie is calling my name.
“Hey Damian.”
Looking to the doorway, Susie is standing there, her arms crossed in front of her. “Hey.”
“Sorry, but your hour’s up.”
“It is?” I look at my watch and she’s right. For the first time in two weeks, I hadn’t paid attention to the minutes slowly ticking by.
I kiss Emily’s head and stand to leave. “Damian?”
“Yeah?”
“She’ll come back.” She sounds so confident.
“I hope so.”
“Crap, Addison. Where the hell are you?”
I smile at the sound of Paige’s voice. I’ve missed her.
“Walking up my front steps.”
“It’s about damn time. We’ve all been worried sick. I can’t believe you took off on all of us, without a word. Where have you been?”
It was a cowardly move to leave, but one necessary for my survival.
“I’ve been finding myself.”
She huffs. “Did you find her?”
“Eh, almost.”
“Damian is a basket case.”
I’m silent. Still reeling from that night, his words play repeatedly in my mind. But it’s time to face the music. After a month of soul searching and job-hunting, I have a plan. I bought a new phone and I’m walking up the steps to my apartment. It feels different, not like home. Everything feels different. Damian’s car is gone and I’m thankful I don’t have to face him just yet.
“Addison.”
“Yeah.”
“Whatever happened between you guys, I don’t think it was as bad as you thought.”
“It was bad enough.”
“Do me a favor. Don’t take off like that again. That wasn’t cool.”
“I’m sorry Paige. At the time, it was my only option. I’ll call you later and fill you in on my future.”
Opening my front door I instantly know something is different. My white shag rug is back in place, there are now two red pillows, not just one. It smells different, lived in and there are dirty dishes in the sink that weren’t there before. I head into my room and am shocked to see clothes thrown all over the place. Damian’s clothes.
A sick feeling of anxiety runs through me. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do what I have to, but it’s for the best and it’s for both of us. I put down my bag and begin to pick up his clothes. One T-shirt at a time. Meticulously folding each one then smelling it, rubbing the soft material against my cheek and burying my nose so deep in the folded cotton, trying to memorize the scent that is unique to only him. My thighs begin to tingle and a flash of lust sweeps through me, with the knowledge that the one man who holds the pieces of my puzzled heart is in close proximity, forcing my body to react the only way it knows how.
“You’re back.”
I turn, startled that I didn’t hear anyone come in. He’s standing in the doorway, his presence taking up the entire space, his aura filling the room. He looks bigger than I remember and he hasn’t cut his hair in a while, it’s growing longer and my hands twitch with an eagerness to know what it feels like.
His dark eyes are studying me, overflowing with worry, sadness and desire all at once. There’s an invisible line of tension running between us, neither of us knowing where to begin or how we allowed things to get so out of control in the first place.
I can feel him breathing across the room, his chest expanding and retracting, and I follow the motions hoping it will help my own breaths come easily.
He takes a step towards me and my heart slams into my chest. I can hear it pulsing in my ears. My skin feels heated, too hot and I start to sweat as nerves rack my system.
“Addison, look at me.”
I hadn’t realized I’d closed my eyes, hoping, praying this would all just be over. Slowly opening them, he’s right in front of me. Close enough for me to reach out and touch him, pull him to me. Balling my fists by my sides and setting my resolve in place to say what must be said, I take a slow steady breath.
“I’m moving.”
His eyes close and his face scrunches up like I’ve punched him in the gut.
“Don’t.”
“Next week, I’ve rented an apartment in Santa Monica and I’ve taken a job in a law firm down there.”
“Addison, I didn’t mean anything I said to you.”
“You were so mean.”
“I know,” he whispers, his eyes cast down, his head hung in shame. “I was so mad at you.”
“I didn’t say yes to Matt.”
He nods. And his hand rises to touch me but stops right before it lands on my cheek. “I’m sorry, Addison. I’m so unbelievably sorry.”
“You don’t trust me, Damian.”
He closes his eyes and fists his hands by his sides. “I do.” Slowly his eyes open and he relaxes his stance. “You let another man put a ring on your finger.”
“You shouldn’t have left me alone with him.”
“No. I shouldn’t have,” he agrees. “But seeing him mark you like that and thinking you said yes, it almost killed me.”
“I’m sorry.”
And I am. I’m sorry I let Matt in knowing nothing good could have come of it, I’m sorry I didn’t run after Damian when he left that night, I’m sorry I opened that door and allowed him to say all the nasty things I knew he didn’t mean, but most of all, I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us.