“How is Emily?”
“She’s doing well for a very sick little girl. She asks about you.”
Squeezing my eyes shut and taking in a deep calming breath, I feel his hand brush my hair out of my face. “Where have you been, Addison?”
Slowly opening my eyes, I look into the face I’ve desperately missed. “Looking for the other half of me.”
“Did you find it?”
I sigh and sit on the bed, taking his hand and bringing him down beside me. His palm is rough, calloused, new blisters have formed, and I know he’s been killing himself at the track while I’ve been gone. So many things need to be said, so many unspoken words that he needs to hear. He’s shaking, his hand gripping mine as we sit side by side.
“Damian—”
“No, Addison. I don’t like the tone of your voice. You are not going to end us.”
I squeeze his hand tight and continue. “Leaving for a month, being completely on my own made me realize, I’ve never started over. I pretended to hit the restart button when you moved in. But a real restart is finding yourself and I’ve only found part of me.” I look into his sad eyes, hoping he knows he’s that part. “But I needed to find the rest and I can only do that by myself.”
He kisses me. His lips connecting with mine, his hand resting gently on my face.
This isn’t fair.
His other hand rises to my cheek and as both hands cup my face, he deepens the kiss, his tongue sweeping inside our joined mouths and dancing with mine. I’m breathless and he’s stealing all the air from my lungs. I place a hand on his beating heart and it’s racing as fast as mine. Sliding it up to his neck, I run my hand through the back of his hair and let the soft feel of it slip through my fingers. Breaking the kiss, I gently pull away.
He doesn’t let go of my face, his eyes searching mine. “I know what it’s like to fight hard to get yourself back, but Addison, you don’t need to do it alone. Let me go with you.”
I shake my head. “Maybe one day, Damian. But right now, I need to do this by myself.”
“Addison, I was hurt and mean and trying to run from something I should have been running towards. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me. I’ll tell you about Megan, just please, don’t leave like this.”
His voice is hoarse and tormented. And while I know we can’t move forward until he tells me what happened that night six years ago, this move is about me and I would be making it either way.
“My whole life I’ve felt stuck, making decisions to stay put because I was too afraid to take a chance on life. I don’t want to regret my life, Damian. If I stay, if I let you take care of me, I’m no better off than I was five years ago.”
“That’s not true.”
“Damian, you walked in my apartment and automatically assumed in the three hours you’d been gone, that I’d taken Matt back. You don’t trust me to love you and maybe I don’t entirely trust you not to break my heart. Because I won’t survive that Damian. I need to do this, not for you, but for me.”
He stands and paces my room, rubbing the top of his head with both hands and breathing heavily in and out. “Please don’t do this. I’ll do anything you want, I won’t give you a dime, you can still move and we’ll do a long distance thing. I’ll do anything, but please don’t cut me out of your life. You may not need me, but Addison . . . I need you. I’m completely lost without you.”
Kneeling in front of me, he takes both my hands in his. “I barely made it through a day without you. Look around. I moved in here while you were gone, not being able to stand the sight of my own bed. You never answered my calls. I had no idea if you were dead or alive. Do you have any idea what that felt like, Addison?”
If only he knew the desolate feelings that ravaged my body this past month. The numerous times I almost broke down and called him, it was that feeling, the empty hollow pit in my gut that made this choice easier. By leaving, I take the risk of losing him forever, but the price of losing myself, is too great to ignore. This past month away opened my eyes to the life I’ve been missing. Watching people jump from peg to peg on that obstacle course in Venice a month ago, their strength to persevere and keep fighting stirred something inside me. Some of those contestants have failed multiple times on that obstacle course, and yet they keep coming back for more, they never give up and I can’t give up either. I love this man kneeling in front of me; love him with my whole heart, but that love means nothing, if I don’t believe in myself.
Taking his face between my hands, I look into his big brown eyes. “I have a week left here Damian. One week. I won’t cut you out, but being more than friends will only make this break harder.”
He buries his face in my lap, his hands caressing the top of my legs, his fingers skimming the skin just above the waistline of my jeans. Tiny electric jolts travel from his hands to my heart as his skin touches mine and I want to lie back and let him do to me whatever he wants. Take me one last time. But it wouldn’t be fair to him or me.
“There is no way I can be around you and keep my hands to myself, Addison. No way.”
Leaning down, I kiss the top of his head, breathing in his scent one more time. “Then I think you should leave.”
Wrapping his arms around my waist, he squeezes me tight, his head pressing into my stomach. He slowly stands, bringing me up with him. Placing my hand on his heart, “This is yours, you own it. When you’re ready, it will still be yours.” Leaning down he kisses me. “I’ll wait forever, Addison. But what we have—this only comes around once in a lifetime, don’t take it for granted. I know I was a prick, I can own up to that, but don’t use it as an excuse to run from us. You say you don’t want to regret your life. Then don’t let fear lead you away from me.”
He turns and leaves, not looking back. The front door closes tight and my heart, which had been flimsily trying to stay in one piece, shatters inside my chest.
I can hear her.
Morning. Noon. And. Night.
I hear her walking around her place, wrapping her dishes in paper, taping boxes shut. The screech of that damn packing tape is like nails on a chalkboard. I want to go over and throw it off the balcony, never hear that noise again. The walls are so damn thin I can hear almost everything she’s doing over there.
Her friends have come to help. I bumped into Paige as she was leaving one night. She wouldn’t tell me how Addison’s doing, but the look she gave me said it all. She’s hurting just as much as I am right now. Fuck!
I haven’t seen Addison. Mostly because I refuse to go on my balcony, and thanks to the paper-thin walls I know her every move. Makes my avoidance of her so much easier. I’m not strong enough to keep my hands off her so my strength comes in keeping my distance.
I’m not sure I’ll survive this week.
The times she showers suck the most. Each morning I find myself with my forehead pressed to the wall, my palms stretched out flat imagining I’m under the water with her, trying to be as close to her naked body as humanly possible.
I miss the taste of her skin, the feel of her moving beneath me. I miss every sound she makes as her body climbs towards climax and the small moans she delivers when she’s finally there. I miss watching her teeth bite her bottom lip right before she comes and I miss the feel of her nails on my skin as her body finally takes over. I miss her stupid coffee mugs and her disheveled state after she tries to keep up with me step for step on our workouts. Most of all, I miss our mornings. I miss her so fucking much it hurts to breathe sometimes.
I don’t want her to go and I don’t know how to convince her to stay.
People talk about love and heartbreak all the time. Songs are written about it, paintings created for the sake of showing the image of one single relationship, thousands of books are written in painstaking detail about that one word, but none capture the feeling of a broken heart. The loss of blood that leaves you weak at the knees, the lack of oxygen making it hard to breathe when your mind so much as travels in her direction. It feels like someone has taken a hammer and swung it directly at my chest.