Emily knew the day Addison returned and maybe she’s right about her girl instincts. For an eight-year-old, her insight is frightening. My mood must have darkened worse than before, relief that she was home and safe, but devastated that she wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve tried my best to keep a happy face for Em, but she’s a kid and they are more perceptive than any adult I’ve ever met.
In the five weeks since Matt showed up with that ring, Emily has been in and out of the hospital. Frequent tests showing the chemo is working, but breaking down her body at the same time. Each treatment gets progressively tougher, and the risk of infection or illness skyrockets. But Em’s tough and she’s fighting this disease with all the strength she has. Meanwhile I’ve been fighting Thomas. My attorneys have won me visiting rights. He can’t ban me, but my time is still limited to an hour. Slowly, they’re working their magic on her adoption and by the time she’s cured, there will be no question where she ends up.
If my timing is right, Addison officially moves tomorrow. I should go over, wish her luck, tell her I love her one last time. Fight harder for her. But the fear I could be one of her regrets, that in the end, she won’t want me because I didn’t give her the time she needed keeps me here, in my home, waiting for my heart to officially die. It feels like being on deathwatch.
My phone rings and I hope like hell it’s not the hospital.
Crap, it is.
“Susie, is everything alright?”
“No, you need to come right away. She’s had a bad reaction to the latest batch of chemo and she needs you, Damian.”
And then I remember—I really am on deathwatch.
I can let Addison go. It’s going to hurt like hell, but it’s not permanent. One day I will get her back. But Emily? If I lose her, it’s a forever kind of hell, one I’m not sure I’m strong enough to endure.
“I’ll be right there.”
Bad reaction. That can mean anything. I can’t take this. It’s too much all in one week. Shit, I can’t breathe. My lungs hurt, and my stomach cramps up. I feel like I’ve run a marathon, my limbs slow and my body not in tune with what my mind knows it has to do.
Emily needs me, but I can’t fucking breathe. If something happens to her . . . I don’t . . . I don’t know what I’ll do.
Racing out of my apartment, I have no idea where Addison is or what she’s doing, my purposeful avoidance of her thrown out the window to get to the hospital as quickly as possible, so I’m shocked when I bump right into her. It vaguely registers that she was on her way to my front door, but I don’t have time to hash this out.
Her eyes widen at my sudden appearance and they’re filled with concern.
“Emily’s sick. I gotta get out of here.” Brushing past her I begin to take the stairs two at a time.
“Do you need me to go with you?” she calls from behind.
Doesn’t she know I always want her with me? Running back up, I take her face in my hands. “Yes.” I kiss her, taking those soft lips between my own. “I always need you, Addison.” I kiss her again, because if I don’t, I’ll scream and no one needs that right now. “But they won’t let you in.”
Holding her face between my two large hands, we’re both standing on the front deck of our building, so many unspoken words traveling back and forth between our eyes. Me telling her to stay, please stay and her saying goodbye. It’s such a fucking disaster.
“Okay, well, please keep me posted as to how she’s doing.”
I nod and take off. There’s nothing else I can do to make this situation any easier, or any less painful.
Emily is wearing a respirator when I walk into her room. Her eyes are sleepy looking and she’s so pale she’s almost the color of her sheets.
“How you doing Sweet Pea?”
She cries. Tears stream out of both eyes. In the nine months I’ve watched her fight this disease, she’s rarely cried. The girl is tougher than any extreme athlete I know. So, watching those tears fall one by one, and I want to join her in the sob fest. I want to get down on my knees and cry with her because it’s so unfair. It’s all so fucking unfair.
But that wouldn’t do her any good, so instead, I hold her hand and let her cry as I stroke the back of it, letting her know I’m here for her, whatever she needs.
We stay silent. I think she’s too weak to talk and I’m too emotional to say a word.
After a good twenty minutes, the tears dry, and she seems more relaxed, her big blue eyes slowly closing as she begins to fall asleep.
“She looks a little better.” Susie walks in and I turn in her direction. Emily stays asleep and I’m dying to know her vitals as Susie begins to take them, changing her IV bag.
“What happened?”
“She crashed. Her blood pressure drastically dropped and her coloring . . .well, you can see her coloring.”
“She feels so weak.” Her little hand lies listless in mine, the tiny bones so frail beneath her skin.
“This last treatment was really strong, Damian. I’m not surprised she had this reaction.”
Taking her blood pressure, she gives me a thumbs-up. “Already a lot better.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, I rest my head on her bed and continue to hold her hand as she sleeps.
I’m prepared to sit here all night, and make sure if she wakes, she knows I’m here for her. I’ve already removed my shoes and have gotten comfortable on the tiny couch they have in the room. “You can’t stay, Damian.”
I sit up startled.
“Why not?”
She sits down next to me and takes a deep breath. “We’ve talked about this. And unfortunately, Thomas was called about this recent downfall in her health. He’ll be looking into her visitors. It’s already long past visiting hours. If I let you stay the night, I’ll lose my job. I’m sorry, but you have to leave. I promise, I’m not going to let anything bad happen to her.”
That was it, the nail in my coffin. Addison is moving tomorrow, Emily is sick, and I’m not allowed by her side. I feel the rage build up inside me, a storm I’m not sure I can control. Without another word, I grab my beanie and get the fuck out of there.
I want to go to Addison’s, bang on her door and beg her not to leave. Pull her into my arms and slam my lips to hers, show her everything she’s leaving behind and how she’s managed to completely break my fucking heart.
Boxes litter my place. Packing tape is all over the floor, there is nothing left but a bed and a couch. The movers come first thing in the morning and I have no idea if Damian will be back in time for me to say goodbye.
I know I’m doing the right thing for me, but it’s hard to wholeheartedly believe that when I feel so sad. When I constantly have to remind myself why I’m packing up my apartment in the first place.
Out of nowhere a loud crash sounds next door. Then something slams against the wall. My first thought is of Emily. I can’t leave him like this. He’s already in so much pain, a torment caused by me. If he loses Emily too, it will kill him.
Sticking my head out in the hallway, I hear the sound of breaking glass. Before I can think about it further, I’m standing in front of Damian’s door, pounding on it until my first burns.
The door swings wide open.
A very angry, red-eyed and distraught looking Damian is staring back at me. He stands there for a minute not saying a word but taking me in. His eyes roam from my face, down my body and lands on my chest as a small smile begins to form at the corner of his lips. Lifting a hand, he grabs my shirt and pulls me inside. Then kicks the door closed. I’m backed up to a wall, and his stare is intense, intimidating. But this is Damian, I have nothing to be afraid of, he would never physically hurt me. He can destroy me with words, but he won’t lay a finger on me.