His chest is moving in and out, dragging deep mouthfuls of air into his lungs.
He steps closer, and I can smell the hospital still stuck on his clothes, sense the sadness that is radiating deep inside him. The angry look he had on when he opened the door falls, as his face stiffens and his shoulders slump down.
“She’s in critical condition, and they won’t let me see her.”
I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart. Can’t feel the blood pumping through my veins and I’m worried I’m about to faint, but this isn’t about me. This is about a man who loves a little girl so much, that he was ready to give her the world.
“They say I’m not family. The ICU is reserved for family members only. They kicked me out.” He steps into my zone, all the way in, and rests his head on the wall behind me, my body cocooned inside his arms. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
Cautiously I lift a hand to his chest. “Let me breathe for you. Let me be your air.”
He nods, moving his head from the wall to my shoulder. My hand slides from his chest up his arm and I entwine his fingers with mine, peeling him away from the wall.
I walk him down a hallway and into the bathroom. He’s destroyed, and it shows all over his face. His eyes are red, his skin pale. He’s unsteady and can barely stand on his own two feet. He’s mumbling and he stumbles slightly as he follows me.
Guiding him to the closed toilet, I sit him on the lid and turn to the shower, wanting to wash this all away, even if it’s only to give him a few hours of peace. The knob sticks slightly, but I manage to get it on. As I’m waiting for the water to warm, I go to him. He has buried his face in his hands and his entire body is shaking. Gently I pry his fingers from his face and slowly lift his shirt over his head. He sits up and stares at me. His eyes are pleading with me to take this all away, to make it better.
I stand him up and my hands slide inside the waist of his jeans as I release each button and let the denim slide to the floor.
He’s completely naked and vulnerable standing in front of me. His hands rest on my shoulders and then he traces a line from my collarbone, down to the length of my arm to my hand. Circling his fingers with mine, I lead him to the shower and am about to get him under the water when he turns to me and begins to lift my T-shirt up my stomach and over my head.
“Damian,” I whisper.
“Shhh,” he says as he leans down and kisses me. “Just, shhh.” He brings my bottom lip into his mouth and pushes my leggings down my hips, using his foot to get them all the way off. My flip-flops were left by the front door and I’m standing here, in nothing but my bra and panties, trying to comfort a man who is twice the size of me, stronger than any person I know and loves so fiercely and so deep, it shatters every inch of my soul.
A tear runs down my cheek and he kisses it away. “I’m sorry Damian. I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”
“You are my pain, Addison.” His finger runs along my lower lip. “A slow burn that never eases, always hovering around the edges of my heart.”
In that moment my heart cracks, and another tear slips down my cheek. He kisses it away and guides us under the water, the warm drops pelting our skin and heads. I reach behind him for the soap and begin to lather his back, silently crying as the shower spray wipes away any trace of tears. Slowly and meticulously, I run my fingers over his scalp and down his neck, trying to wash away the pain and sadness that has consumed both of us. He trembles as I make my way down his body, soaping him and kneading the muscles of his tense neck. Standing on my tiptoes to reach every inch of his head, his shoulders and his back. His arms circle me and his lips come down on mine again.
I’ve missed his lips, I love his lips, but I have no right to them anymore.
“I love you, Addison. So. Damn. Much.” His words are intense, filled with sadness and longing.
“Damian,” I say again.
“Shhh, Addison. Don’t say anything. Just be with me.”
My hands still on his shoulders and he wraps his arms tight around me, our slick bodies pressed firmly together. “Stay with me tonight. Please.”
I nod. No words can describe how I feel in this moment and nothing I can say will make this any better. Tonight is not about me, it’s about him and there is no room for tears here, only a girl, trying to heal a man she loves with her whole heart.
He slips my bra down my shoulders, and his mouth makes its way to my breast. Nipping at the peak as he holds me tighter, and lifts me to wrap my legs around his waist. We are both dripping wet and his mouth is making warm tracks along my chest, my heart beating frantically. My body turned on with desire and the need to make him feel anything but sorrow.
His lips return to my neck sliding along the curves of my shoulder, eventually making their way to my ear. I wrap my arms around him as he carries me into his bedroom and lays me on the bed.
Pulling my soaked bra all the way down my arms, over my stomach and across my hips, he hooks his fingers inside my panties and removes both items in unison. The ache between my legs is unbearable and I’m already soaked in want and need.
His breathing deepens and he closes his eyes tight the sight of me clearly paining him more. “I had no idea it would hurt this bad.”
Sitting on my knees, I place both hands on his chest. “Lie with me, tell me what happened.”
Shaking his head, he wraps me into an embrace and soaking wet, slides us under the cool sheets. “I need to feel something other than pain, Addison. I can’t talk about this right now.”
In complete understanding, I slide my body on top of his and guide him inside of me. We both still as our bodies recognize what they’d been missing. Mine, needing the love of a man who fills all of my cracks, and him needing to feel anything but hurt.
He lifts his torso and wraps his arms around me, his hand sliding up my back and holding onto the nape of my neck. We stare at each other, unblinking, broken, vulnerable, both understanding what the other needs without having to say a word.
I blink once and he crushes his lips to mine, stealing my breath and slipping his tongue between my lips. I give him all I have, fulfilling my promise to breathe for him this one last time. Our joined bodies sit still as our mouths devour each other and suddenly I’m on my back, my feet pushing the pillows towards the headboard as Damian begins to move.
Slow at first then desperate and achingly sad, using his body to get rid of the sorrow and the pain. I take it in, all of it. Our skin slapping together, our bodies at first slick from the shower are now coated with sweat.
His arms are straining above my head, the veins of his forearms protruding from his skin. Our eyes meet and he lets me see him, unfiltered, animalistic and completely open. He loves me in this moment, but this is also his final goodbye.
With that knowledge, my body reacts, needing to feel every part of Damian, to remember the man who loved so deeply it almost broke him. My hips meet his thrust for thrust, and I give myself completely over to him. My moans are ragged, my fingers are digging into his arms and I wrap my legs tight around his hips. I want him to take me harder, push my body to its limits and love me fiercely one last time.
“Ahh, Addison.”
He thrusts in me hard. “You.” He pulls out and then slams into me again. “Make.” He pushes in deep, his hips grinding into my core and causing me to moan out. “Me.” He does it again, my orgasm just within reach. “Lose my . . .” He comes hard as my body falls with his, our hearts pounding in sync and our breath ragged. “Fucking mind.” He can barely get the words out, his mouth at my ear and his body covering me.
He’s shaking, his body trembling as he buries his face into my neck. He rocks his pelvis into me once, then twice before pulling out and sliding down beside me.