She walked downstairs and saw that he hadn’t even bothered to change out of his work clothes which were just as wet as hers had been. Wet sawdust caked the legs and knees of his jeans.
He already had her out of the box and up on the X-frame and was beating her ass with a paddle. He had the paddle in one hand and his cock in the other and she turned and went upstairs. Grossed-out and furious at both of them.
She knew perfectly well why she was mad and disgusted with Stephen.
Her feelings for Sara were more complex.
On the one hand it was as though Sara were a kind of rival. He sure as hell had never run home to have sex with her five minutes after walking through the door.
But she was also aware that Sara was her savior too in a way. That if it weren’t for Sara up there on the X-frame it would be her. And if her sex life was practically non-existent these days so were the kinky games he always needed to play.
So why was she so mad at her? Why so disgusted?
The disgust part was easy. The dull unwashed hair. The stink of sweat and sometimes urine. She could guess that the mad part was just plain jealousy. Jealousy over the baby she carried inside and jealous that he wanted her — wanted to use her in spite of the dirtiness and the smell. But she kept coming back to the fact that it was Sara or it was her up there and why in the world would anyone in her right mind be jealous of the way he was using her because it hurt for god’s sake. It was fucking degrading and it hurt. It confused her.
Anyone in her right mind, she thought.
Maybe she was crazy. She’d considered it seriously from time to time.
Maybe you’d have to be crazy to live with him.
But she’d stuck thus far. She knew she’d play it through. She’d lie to Sara and befriend her — she was turning into a world-class liar — take her side in little things like the shower and the cat, talk to her quietly and seriously about the Organization. All of it an act. See where things went. That was what she’d do.
And then the oddest thing happened.
She hadn’t wanted it. Stephen had kidded, cajoled, yelled and finally threatened so that eventually she gave in and went down and shed her clothes and straddled her and at first nothing was going on. Certainly Sara wasn’t cooperating. Her tongue and lips just lay there under her wet and slack and then Kath started to move, not expecting much at first but doing it all on her own with no direction from Stephen and even with no cooperation coming from below soon she thought she was going to fucking explode, she was moving back and forth and side to side and directing it all herself, total power over her body and over Sara’s, wholly in command of the pace and the action until finally she found herself shuddering, quivering in the grip of the most powerful orgasm of her entire life.
She couldn’t believe it.
It only made her feelings all the more complicated. That this should happen with a woman. When she’d never even considered having sex with a woman before. And this particular woman, their captive, Stephen’s captive and now in a way that was far more real than before, her own.
The night of the fourteenth day she waited until Stephen was asleep. She took the flashlight off its hook in the kitchen and walked quietly downstairs. She sat down in the chair and let her light play across the Long Box, annoyed with herself and uncomfortable with what thoughts and feelings had drawn her here. Annoyed with Sara and with Stephen too.
She could imagine her breathing inside the box. The rise and fall of her breasts. The slow small shift inside her belly.
Could imagine the cord like driftwood to which the baby clung, tossed in a rich warm sea.
GESTATION
FOURTEEN
It was only by accident that she found the equipment.
Months had passed and by then much had changed.
She knew who they were for one thing.
Stephen and Katherine Teach. Forty-six and forty-four respectively. They’d met seven years ago on a ward at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Sussex, New Jersey — she knew where she was now too, a small rural town hours northwest of the City — where he was a patient and she was his day-nurse. He had nearly put his eye out with a chunk of wood when his power-saw hit a knot in a two-by-four. They’d dated. Married six months later.
Both were only children with no living parents. Kath was Catholic and Stephen was a Baptist though neither went to church much anymore. Stephen liked to brag that it didn’t matter, he’d read the Bible six times over cover to cover including the begats, he was his own church. They liked action movies and comedies and Chinese food and pizza. They disliked housework completely. Especially doing the dishes. As though the remains of a meal were revolting to them. They had no discernable hobbies unless you counted the anti-abortion rallies and demonstrations they could no longer go to now that Sara was with them and you counted the Organization. They read only magazines — not even the newspaper. They got their news off the TV screen. Said it was easier.
They owned a CD player and never used it. Instead they watched TV.
Katherine was barren.
That was the word they used. Barren.
They’d always been saddened by this. They felt that a baby would solidify the bond between them. At least Kath did.
Nowadays she rarely spoke to Stephen.
So she learned all this from Kath. Who was lonely. Who was bored. Who spoke to her a lot.
And who — for lack of a better, more hideous word — had become her lover.
Since that first afternoon with Kath astride her outside the Long Box she had come to her more and more frequently. Always alone. Usually at night when Stephen was asleep but sometimes during the day on lunchbreaks or on weekends when he was out of the house on some errand or other, about once a week at first and then twice a week and then nearly every night.
She seemed entranced by Sara’s body. You’d have thought it were a beautiful body but it wasn’t. Not anymore. At least not to Sara’s thinking. The body was heavy and slow. The waist was gone, the belly huge. A ragged dark line ran from the top to the bottom of her abdomen. Her legs were swollen. Blue veins mapped the surfaces of her breasts. Her nipples leaked pale nearly colorless colostrum.
All these Kath licked and squeezed and bit. Lapped at the colostrum. Caressed the swollen belly as though caressing the baby inside it. I’m a nurse, she said. I’m just going to examine you.
Kath never did bathe or shower nearly often enough.
Her insides tasted bitter.
What Kath did to her and made her do seemed to shame her and excite her all at once. When it was over she would always want to talk. Chattering away like she was talking to some girlfriend. About her patients at the hospital or the job Stephen was working on. About the weather and her car needing a tune-up and the phone bills and the payments on the house and the movie they’d seen on HBO the night before. Whatever. Nervous talk with her eyes averted while Sara stood tied to the X-frame or more often to the chair or the sliding panel of the Long Box.
She would tell her stories of the Organization that were just as bad as Stephen’s.
One day she showed her pictures. Black-and-white photos of her father watering his lawn. Of her students playing kickball on the Winthrop schoolgrounds. Of her sister stepping out of her car with a shopping bag in her arms.
Of Greg. Walking some tree-lined street in Rye between his wife and son.
She was tied to the chair.
“He’s handsome,” she said. “I don’t blame you for wanting to make it with the guy.”
“We didn’t just make it. We were lovers.”