"Yeager?"
"Yessir," she said. Here and now again. This ship, these mates.
Nothing personal, Bieji.
She sat there finally, throat sore from talking, Orsini note-taking again.
She thought, What I've done, there's no halfway, is there? Can't betray these mates, andthem.
She wanted to go somewhere and take a pill for her back and her head, she wanted to have a bath and see NG's face and Musa's and be back in rec with her shift, and remember why she wanted this ship. Right now she couldn't, right now she couldn't remember anything but Africa, couldn't see anything but Bieji and Teo and how it had been—
But those had been the good years. Those were the years before she'd lived off Africa, before she'd seen Ernestine, been from Pell to Thule and wherever they were now—
—older, maybe. Tired. Maybe just taking any out better luck might give her. She wasn't sure, unless she could feel what she felt on this ship again and shake the devils Orsini called up.
Orsini put down the stylus and got up from his desk, going to send her back down to Engineering, she thought: there was still time enough before the shift change.
God, she had to go back and go on pretending there was nothing wrongc
Had to tell NG somehow—before he found it out from somebody else.
"I want to show you something," Orsini said, motioning to the door.
"Sir?"
He didn't answer that. He showed her out, up-rim toward the bridge, to a stowage locker. He opened the door and turned on the lights.
Like so many corpses, pale, fire-scarred body-shapes stood belted to the left wall.
Armor.
Africa, one stencil said. Europe, the other. And names.
Walid—M. Walid.
Memory of a small, dark man, grinning. Always with the jokes.
Godc
Orsini was looking at her. She walked into the locker, laid a hand on the one rig.
"Knew this man," she said. And then, afraid Orsini would read a threat into that:
"Acquaintance, anyway."
"Collected it at Pell," Orsini said.
"You could've got mine," she said. "Left it there."
"Maybe your friend was lucky."
She shook her head.
"They're not in good shape," Orsini said. "Figured to use them in emergencies: figured they were free, why turn them down? Lifesupport halfway works, most of the servos operate on that one—it'll move, at any rate, but nobody's got time to fix it."
"Not real comfortable," she said, thinking, God, the damn fools, with a gut-deep memory of what a human joint felt like with a servo pushing it just a little past reasonable, wondering if Mallory who must've let them have the rigs had ever provided the manuals. She touched the surfaces, tried the tension in the arm, felt her stomach upset at what was going on in her brain, all the old information coming up like pieces of a disaster—parameters, connections—
—her hands were close to shaking. It was Africa'sgut, the armor-shop, the voices she hadn't been able to recall, the smells and the sounds—
"Fixable?" Orsini asked.
"Yessir," she said, and looked at him, trying to see the white plastic lockers and Orsini's face, not the gray, echoing space she remembered. She said, knowing nobody gave a damn, "But I don't want to."
"Why?"
I don't want to handle this stuff again. I don't want to think about it—
She said, realizing she had stirred suspicion, "Thought I was through with rigs like this." Then another reason hit her, in the gut. "And I don't want people to know where I come from."
Orsini said, quietly: "Can you get these things working right?"
"Yessir, probably."
Man wasn't paying attention, man didn't care. She didn't expect otherwise.
"No need to have it general knowledge," Orsini said. "We're insystem, slow rate, going to dock here and fill. You can make it back and forth up the lift. You've got enough level deck here."
She looked at the L by the entry, thought about what she could get to in the shop.
"Yessir." Without enthusiasm. It was in-dock work he meant and no liberty. But she hadn't really expected one, under the circumstances. "Not real easy. But I could do that."
"Not all crew gets liberty," Orsini said. "Takes five years' seniority. And the captain's approval."
"Yessir."
"You might eventually get a posting out of it," Orsini said. "If you have the right attitude."
She stood there thinking, Right attitude. Hell. And thinking that the mofs could think they owned these rigs, but you didn't just suit up and have everything work. She didn't say, Who am I supposed to fit this for? and explain that part of it; or think she had to say something if Orsini didn't.
Maybe Orsini would call that a bad attitude.
She just said, "I'll see what I can do, sir."
CHAPTER 23
THE NEWS about their heading into dock was on general com when she headed back for Engineering, forty-odd minutes to shift-change.
"Everything all right?" Bernie asked, asking more than that, she reckoned, and she frowned at him, just not able to come back from it and knowing she had to—had to put a decent face on things and not do anything that could make Bernstein wonder about her, because Bernie was watching, Bernie was going to be making regular reports to Orsini and Wolfe and maybe Fitch, and she knew it. You asked a body to be a turncoat and you'd better keep an eye on them, if you had any respect at all for them.
Damn right, sir.
Nor trust them if they smiled at you.
She said, "Wasn't a real good time, sir."
Bernie looked sad at that. But at least he didn't frown back at her.
"Anything the matter?" NG said—NG the first one to come up to her, on his own, when you never used to get NG out front on anything.
She said, thinking fast, "Looks like I don't get a liberty."
It wasn't what NG had worried about, for sure. He looked upset, touched her arm.
"Hell, I never have had. I'llbe here."
Got her right in the heart. She couldn't think for a second, couldn't remember what she'd decided two beats ago her story was, or put any organization in her thoughts.
NG'll be on board. Him and me. God.
"You didn't expect it," Musa said, from beside her.
"Dunno, didn't think, till they made the announcement; and Orsini told me it was five years. Shit, Musa—"
She didn't want to think about months and years. A week was hard enough, NG bound to ask what she was doing topside while they were in dock, or why Orsini had her out of main Engineering, going back and forth between the shop and topside.
Damn!
Musa gave her a hug around the shoulders, friendly, Bernie didn't mind a little PDA, NG didn't say anything else, back in his habit of no-comment, and she tried to cheer up, which she reckoned made it a tolerably good act.
Damn, damn, and damn.
They did a burn before shift-change, they started doing others, after.
" We'll be docking at Thule Stationc" Wolfe said on general address.
She felt sick at her stomach.
Wonder if Nan and Ely are still there. How long've we been out, realtime?
She counted jumps they had made, figured maybe as much as a year, stationside.
She stowed everything she wouldn't need, stuffed a duffle with things she would, same as those who were going stationside—"Hard luck, Bet," people dropped by to say, and some few of them, McKenzie included, were cheeky enough to say, "Yeah, well, but you and NG got free bunks and all the beer aboard.—Want me to buy you anything?"