“Yes, but you saved yourself in Kuwait and again recently.”
“Maybe, but more through luck than judgement.”
She sat hugging her knees, looking at me with a strange expression.
“It must be fascinating. I envy you.”
“Really, why?”
“You get to see both sides of the fence. I met a transsexual once. She was post-op, so had been through all the operations and cosmetic surgery. She was facing a lifetime of hormones and still looked quite masculine. She was happy in her new life, yet I sensed a real heartache at not being born to the gender she now identified with.
“You, on the other hand, look fabulously feminine, yet inside you’re still that crusty old soldier. It’s so weird!”
“Less of the crusty,” I said, throwing my damp towel at her.
“Okay, but you know what I mean. Don’t you yearn to go back to what you were?”
I stood naked in front of her, as I looked down at my new body. I felt that I belonged now, probably for the first time. It just felt right, and I couldn’t explain it. I thought deeply about what she said. With the exception of not being there as a father for my son, I had no desire to go back to what I was before.
“No, not really.”
“How about if you could be as young and fit as you appear now, but still male?”
Cupping my breasts in my hands and enjoying the feel of the air on my naked body, I smiled.
“Nah, I’m happy with the way things are, for the moment. But, I do need some help.”
“I think there’s more to you than you let on. It stands to reason that someone like you, suddenly finding themselves as a girl, they’d normally go bonkers trying to get back to what they’d been before. But not you.”
“Not me.”
“I think there’s more than a little bit of you who would like to have been born like this. That’s why you’re enjoying this so much, isn’t it?”
I looked at her. She was a shrewd cookie, this girl.
“Maybe, just a little.”
“I’ve seen it before, you know? I mean, a man loses himself into the most dangerous and macho lifestyle, just to deny the existence of those feelings he can’t deal with.”
“Okay, so now you know my hidden secrets, feel better?” I was faintly angry that that which I’d hidden from the world for so long was now in the open. I was also strangely relieved.
“Yes, it answers a lot of questions.”
“Like?”
“Like, how come you’re enjoying this so much, and how come you’re so good at it.”
I blushed. “It shows, huh?”
“Just a bit. Don’t worry, I’m just pleased you feel free to admit the past.”
“Yeah, well, there’s no point in hiding it any more, is there?”
“So, what are we going to do tomorrow?” she asked, changing the subject.
“I have a burning desire to go to the computer fair.”
She smiled. “How did I know you were going to say that?”
Grinning, I put on my nightdress and slipped into bed.
Chapter Ten
Computer fairs have to be the most mind-numbingly boring occasions, should you be unfortunate enough to have little interest in computers.
I could send and retrieve emails. I could write letters on a word processor and could use a basic database. As for the rest, you might as well discuss the insides of a washing machine with me.
The vast modern cube of a building, with central escalators and glass boxes of elevators, housed three floors of computers and those who thrived in and amongst them. Carlene was equally bored as I was, but we had a quest – to seek out our pair from last evening, and ascertain what the hell was going on.
I obtained a fair handbook and programme in order to locate the stand of their company. It was on the second floor, so we rode up on the escalator. It was at this moment a young man passed us going down who set all my alarms ringing. I didn’t know him, but for some reason, thought I did. I watched him as he got to the bottom and turned left. Cursing I lost sight of him after that.
At the top of the escalator, I told Carlene to look for the two Americans, but not to be seen by them.
“It’ll make them suspicious,” I added.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m not sure, there’s someone here that I know.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry about it. Just keep your mobile on and call me if there’s a problem. If I don’t see you before, I’ll meet you at the café for lunch.” By this time, I was heading down again, trying to rack my brain to recall where I’d seen the young man before.
He was about six three, broad and with dark brown hair. His clothing was casual, a beige bomber jacket and blue jeans, but he walked like an athlete or soldier, with chest out and chin up.
I reached the point I’d last seen him. The crowd was getting thicker, particularly on this floor, as here were all the computer games. I expected just children and young people to be interested in these objects, but a large proportion was made up of adults, women as well as men.
Computer games.
Athlete.
I remembered the face from the file. It was Jonathon Standing, I could swear to it. I looked at the programme and the map of exhibitors. Nothing from Dundee University, but there were many UK companies listed. Also, I didn’t know if he was an exhibitor or a customer. I slowly trawled the floor, hoping to see him.
After an hour, I was getting frustrated and sore feet. I was wearing comfortable boots today, with tight jeans and a pullover under a nice leather jacket. Having now pierced ears, I was sporting two small diamond studs and a gold chain on the outside of my pullover.
I found some chairs by a small coffee and baguette stand, so I sat down to rest my feet. I bought a coffee and scanned the faces as they milled past me, but there was still no trace of Jon Standing.
Reading the programme, I tried to see where he could be. It was in French and English, but the French was predominant. I looked up when I heard a very English masculine voice ask for some coffee.
It was Jonathon.
As luck would have it, all the other tables were taken, so the only spare chair was at mine. He looked dubious for a moment, so I took the initiative.
“I don’t bite, honest.”
He smiled and nodded his thanks, going a deep red colour. He sat down and put his cup on the table between us.
“You’re English?” he asked.
“Sorry, yes.”
“That’s okay, it’s nice to hear a friendly voice in amongst this lot.”
“Are you exhibiting?”
“No. There’s a load of us over from Uni. I’m studying computer games at Tayside, so we thought it would be fun to come over and see what was happening. I’ve never been to Paris before.”
“Oh, I have, but not for ages.”
“Are you working here?”
“No, I met a guy who is supposed to be exhibiting and thought I’d drop in on him, but I can’t find the stand. I’m on holiday with a girl friend and she’s checking the next floor up.”
“I’m Jon, Jon Standing.”
“Rebecca Carter.” He shook my hand in a very English manner.
“So what do you do, Rebecca?”
“I want to be an actress, but there’s no work. So I’m a p.a. in the civil service in London. Rather dull really, but it pays me well enough.”