“So why didn’t we do some more snooping back there?” she asked.
“One of the main rules of my line of work is know the risks and be prepared. I have no idea what we were looking for, who we are dealing with, and what to do about it if we ever found out. For everyone in the field, a team of people work bloody hard back in the corridors of power to supply us with as much intelligence as they can. If there isn’t any, then we have to do our own research before making a move.
“They have nothing on our friend Wayne, nothing on Carlton or their company. We neither know the link with Maxim, nor whether there’s a link with Professor Standing or his son.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“I’ll make a date with Jon Standing and see what I can get from that. You’ll need to go to the British Embassy, see our man there and look at photographs to see if your mystery Chinese is on our files as a player for the opposition.”
“We have someone in the Embassy?”
“Of course. They’ll get onto our intelligence database and let you see all the main men for the Chinese, North Korean, Vietnamese governments and major arms dealers, both legal and illegal. It might help to look for the woman you saw Wayne with, but I doubt she’s in our files.”
“So, I’m going to be stuck in an office while you enjoy yourself?”
“I did offer you one of his friends!” I said with a grin.
She smiled and fell silent as our food arrived.
“Is this what it’s really like?”
“Is what really like?”
“Being in the field.”
“Yes and no. Remember I was a soldier, not a spook, so for me, it’s mainly been in inhospitable places, living off my wits, trying to blend with the local surroundings. So in a way this is the same, but the surroundings are far more hospitable.”
She gave me a strange look. “Well, you certainly blend very well, but I have to say, your male personality took over when you were making decisions.”
“I thought it might. Was it that obvious?”
“Not at all. Unfortunately, the character traits of pushy female executives are as masculine as you, so you managed to simply become more assertive and decisive than your appearance would indicate.”
“Good, I’d hate to look like a bloke in drag.”
“Don’t worry, that’ll never happen, but you may put men off.”
“Why?”
“Many men are unsettled by confident and assertive women. I should know, as my last boyfriend hated the fact I was earning more than he was and that my job often came before him.”
“Was that what made you hitch up with Gail?”
She smiled. “Not really. Gail was a mate, we confided in each other a lot, so it was her shoulder I cried on when Mark pissed off with some bimbo who worked for Easyjet. She just comforted me rather more than I expected or anticipated.”
“If I’m out of line, slap me down, but were you aware you had tendencies that way?”
“Yes and no. I had a silly fling with a gay woman at college, but I put it down to a crush and living out an experimental fantasy. It lasted a few weeks and she was a lot older than me. I never thought I was a lesbian and still don’t. I suppose I still believe that there is a man out there who is going to sweep me off my feet and I’ll end up marrying.”
“How much of that is socialisation and cultural expectation?”
She laughed, finishing her paté de la maison. “Hark at you, not such a dumb squaddie, are you?”
“Well?”
“I’m not sure, to be honest. I suppose there is a family expectation that I’ll probably get married and settle down, and I think it’s what I want. Gail was lovely, but it was never what I felt was for me and for the rest of my life. There was always something not quite right.”
“How much of that was guilt based on the society and culture we live in?”
“I’m not sure, perhaps half and half. Mostly it was me. Take you, for example.”
“Me?” I asked surprised.
“Yes, you’re an amazingly attractive female, you look and sound wonderful. If I didn’t know you as I do, I’d find you attractive but never sexually.”
“But you do really know me, and does that mean you find me sexy?”
“Not really, but in a funny sort of way, yes. You are fascinating and a wonderful case to work with, but you are too much a woman. You exude all the female chemistry that screams ‘girl’ at me. I’m attracted to your character, as it is controlled, masculine and very confident, but the rest of you, the physical side, keeps getting in the way. Gail was on the butch side, so it was her masculinity that I found attractive. The man I eventually will meet will be big, butch and very much in charge, but he will also have a degree of sensitivity that will give me the freedom I need.”
“How long have you fancied gay men?” I asked with a chuckle.
The waiter appeared and took away our dirty starter plates. I glanced round the restaurant. Several middle-aged matrons were obviously meeting for their regular ‘lunch’. Businessmen and local office workers mixed with tourists and students.
“Casing the joint?” she asked with a smile.
“It pays to memorise faces, you never know when it will help.”
“How did you get into this?”
“I was a soldier in the Parachute Regiment. I was a good soldier, capable of more, so I applied for and was selected for the Regiment.”
“You mean the SAS?”
“Only those who’ve never been in it refer to it like that. To us, it is the one and only regiment.”
“Did you like it?”
“Like? Not like, not really. It becomes a way of life that one cannot exist without. The adrenaline buzz in certain situations is indescribable, and the constant set of changing challenges give you something new to aspire to every day.”
“What happened?”
“I couldn’t do it any more. I wanted to, but I’d been wounded too often. My legs didn’t work and I was a liability. I was lucky to be alive, but without the Regiment, life was a pretty pointless exercise. The Colonel gave me work. The sort of work I could do and still manage with my physical limitations.”
“Were you suicidal? I mean, your marriage ended, you lost contact with your son and you weren’t able to be in the Regiment any more.”
“Nah, suicide is for wussies. I never got that low. I got low, yes, but never that low. The odd thing, and believe me, I’ve had loads of time to think about it, the odd thing is that I’m actually pleased to be a girl.”
Her eyebrows shot up. “You mean you believe you were actually transsexual? I know we sort of talked about that earlier, but I never imagined you were that serious.”
“I’m open to whatever you shrinks can make of it. Look at it this way. I’m a crippled bloke, right? I’m in my late forties, right? I’ve been a fucking disaster as a husband and father, and now I can’t do the one job I’m good at and enjoy doing. So, along comes the big change, and I find myself looking and feeling twenty years younger, with an opportunity to do what I used to do, all over again.”
“I see that, but why are you pleased to be a girl, rather than just young and fit again?”
“Can you think of a bigger challenge you could give an old bastard like me?”
She laughed, looking up as the waiter placed her main course on her place mat, then doing likewise for me.
We ate for a while not speaking.
“How do you really feel? Deep down, I mean.”
I looked at her, taking a sip of wine. It was quite a rough wine, making my tongue tingle.
“Deep down, excited, curious, challenged and a little bit afraid.”
“Afraid, you? Surely not?”
“Don’t make the mistake of believing that all of us were never afraid. We were scared shitless for most of the time. But that was what made us do what we did as well as we did. Fear is the greatest motivator. Survival is the most primeval instinct and will put all the others in the shade come the crunch.