‘I tried to forget about it, but for a long time after that, every time we heard about someone getting killed, I’d remember those bodies and I’d think: hey, that was someone who trained and practised and wanted to get stronger, just like me. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised . . . if you keep on fighting, if you keep trying to prove how tough you are, then that’s the only way things can end, isn’t it? And when you die, it’s not going to be some heroic last stand. It’ll be some pointless fight in a back alley, or a battle where neither side even knows what it’s for. Most fights aren’t about good and evil. I mean, even this one, right now. We’re here because of Anne, but Anne would never have ended up like this if Richard and the Council hadn’t been using her as a playing piece in their stupid chess game.
‘So when I was picking my mage name, I decided I didn’t want something that sounded cool and dangerous. I would have, once. Now, though . . . I’ve looked down that road, and I’ve seen where it ends. So I picked Vesta. The goddess of hearth and home and family. Maybe I’ll get to have those things someday, maybe I won’t. But even if I don’t, it’s worth a try.
‘So the way you’re acting now . . . it feels really wrong. Because you were the one who turned me away from all that. You taught me to look ahead, think about the future. But now it doesn’t feel like you care about the future. When you told me to take that lift, and I hesitated . . . it was because I was wondering if you were going to follow us down.’
‘I was always going to follow you down.’
Luna waited. I hadn’t answered her question and we both knew it.
‘But . . . there’s probably going to be a time very soon when I won’t.’
Silence fell. A sea breeze blew through the open windows. From far below, I could hear the rush of the waves against the rocks.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I haven’t been setting you a very good example lately, have I?’
‘I don’t need an example. I’m not an apprentice any more. I’m worried about you, Alex, don’t you understand that?’
‘I do,’ I said with a sigh. ‘And you’re right. It’s just . . .’ I trailed off, trying to figure out how to say it. It was an effort to find the words; this was a place in my mind I’d been shying away from. ‘After I got away from Richard, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t be like him. I knew I wasn’t a good person, I was never going to be the hero. But I could be different from him. Running a shop . . . it’s good, for that. No one expects much from a shopkeeper. You buy and sell, maybe give a little advice now and then. It’s safe. But it can be lonely. So I started making friends. Arachne. Anne, Vari. You. And I came to realise over the years how much I cared about you all. I wouldn’t give you up, and I’d fight if I had to.’ I paused. ‘Those were the two things that mattered to me. Not being like Richard, cold and manipulative and evil. And protecting and being loyal to all of you. It was why I wouldn’t join with any of the factions. Didn’t want to compromise. So I stayed apart.’
‘Until?’ Luna asked quietly.
‘Until what happened with Anne,’ I said. It was hard to say all this, but I had to. I’d been keeping it bottled up too long. ‘Two pillars. Not being Richard, and my friends. I’d been walking a tightrope between them. Figured I could keep my balance. Hadn’t thought of what I’d do when the rope ran out. Anne being lost broke . . . everything. Couldn’t leave her or she’d die. Vari, too: he was never going to walk away. But couldn’t stop her, either. Not as the person I was.’ I paused. ‘Two pillars. Myself, all of you. Had to let one fall.’
‘And you chose the first,’ Luna said. ‘You stopped trying to be different from Richard.’
‘Funny thing?’ I said. ‘How easy it was. Just had to stop holding back.’ I turned to look at Luna. ‘You know all the times the Council screwed us over, or some Dark mage tried to kill us? Remember how after the dust settled we’d get together and talk? And you’d be furious, wanting to hit back, and I’d tell you to calm down and think?’
Luna nodded.
‘You ever wonder why I didn’t get angry?’
‘A few times.’
‘I did get angry,’ I said. ‘When Caldera acted like it was my fault for fighting back when she tried to arrest me. When Undaaris sold us out. When Levistus told me how he’d destroy us. When Bahamus voted for my sentencing. When Alma tried to remove me from the Council. When Talisid double-crossed me. When Onyx hurt me just because he could. When Vihaela boasted about torturing children. When those Council mages tortured Anne. Over and over. Every one of those things, they’d spark a tiny little white-hot drop of fury. But I couldn’t let it loose, because they had the power and I didn’t. So I’d force that little drop down below the surface, and it would stay there, burning away. And year after year, those drops kept building up.’ I took a deep breath and let it out. ‘So when I finally stopped holding back . . . let’s just say that fire had a lot of fuel.’
‘I did wonder,’ Luna said. ‘You were too calm about some of those things. But you don’t act angry now.’
‘Yeah, well, it turns out that when you store up that much anger for that long, then let it burn its way out, it’s not good for you,’ I said. ‘It’s hard for me to feel much of anything now. Too much pain, too much death. And I’m responsible for a lot of it.’
‘Then shouldn’t you be dealing with that?’
‘I can’t afford the distraction.’
‘You’re not cold enough to keep this up,’ Luna said. ‘Not long term.’
‘Luna,’ I said, trying to make my voice gentle, ‘there isn’t going to be a long term.’
Luna stiffened. ‘You—’
I spoke over her. ‘The fateweaver’s spreading. Eventually it’ll reach my heart. And once that happens, my emotional health isn’t going to matter very much.’
‘You could stop using it.’
‘It’s the only chance I’ve got of winning.’
‘But—’
‘The dragon told me this would happen,’ I said. ‘I’ve had time to accept it. And honestly, at this point, it might be for the best.’
Luna stared at me. Futures shifted; a hundred possible Lunas argued, protested, pleaded, shouted. One future eclipsed the others. Luna rose to her feet and left.
I listened to her footsteps descending the stairs, then rested my head back against the wall with a sigh. I hadn’t wanted to open up that far, but Luna and I had been through too much for me to brush her off. She deserved the truth.
I still didn’t feel happy about it.
With an effort, I put it out of my mind. The food Luna had brought me was nearly cold, and I ate without tasting, searching the futures as I did. Once I was done, I leant back and closed my eyes, willing myself to sleep. There was someone I needed to talk to, and tonight might be my last chance. As the world faded away, my last thought was to hope Luna would be feeling better by tomorrow.
The sky in Elsewhere was overcast. Brooding clouds stretched to the horizon, dark and ominous. Only a weak half-light made it through to the abandoned city below.
The conversation with Luna was still replaying itself in my head, calling up feelings as it did: tension, pain, worry, guilt. I forced the feelings away, centring myself. Breathe in, breathe out. The past was done; what mattered was the present. Once I was calm again, I set off, walking along a raised path above street level.