He turned around.
I said, “I changed my mind today. I think I’d like to go with you next weekend after all.”
Daddy smiled. “I was hoping you’d change your mind if I gave you a little time. You make your share of mistakes, but most of the time you show good sense. I think you did this time.”
Daddy is nice, so he wouldn’t say, “I told you so,” but I was certain that he thought that it was seeing the Sixth Level and not getting stricken dead for it that had changed my mind. It wasn’t, though. I think I changed my mind on the ladder — there are times when you have to go forward whether you like it or not, and if Zena Andrus could do it, as scared as she was, so could I. That’s all.
I smiled and said, “Do I get unfrozen?” I was at least half-serious. For some reason, getting Daddy to say so was important to me.
Daddy nodded. “I guess you do. I guess you do.”
I was still smiling as I sat down to eat. It was just about time I started to do a little growing. It was then that the thought struck me that if I did start to grow, in not very long at all I wouldn’t be able to squeeze my way into the ducts.
Well, you can’t have everything.
5
While I think of it, I want to excuse myself in advance. From time to time, I’m going to say terribly ignorant things. For instance, when I come to speak of boats shortly, anybody who has ever sailed will probably find reason to laugh and shake his head at my description. Please forgive me. I’m not writing technical descriptions, I’m simply trying to tell what I saw and did. When I felt the need to grab onto something, I didn’t grab onto a “gunwale,” I grabbed onto the plain old side of the boat. That’s what it was to me.
In any case, through the week before we went to Grainau, my spirits slid down again. Having decided to go on Sunday, if I had left on Monday I wouldn’t have felt bad at all, but unfortunately I had a whole week to mull things over, worry and imagine. Friday night, the night before we were to leave, I lay awake for hours, unable to sleep. I tried to sleep on my stomach, but bleak possibilities came into my head, one after another. Then onto my side, and imaginary conversations. Onto my back, and thoughts of all the things I might be doing tomorrow instead, if only I could. Finally I did go to sleep, but I didn’t sleep well.
At breakfast, Daddy advised me to eat up, but I couldn’t. My stomach was nervous. After breakfast, we got on the shuttle and traveled down to the First Level, and then over to the bay in which the scoutships sit waiting to take damned fools places they’d rather not go.
We arrived in the scout bay fifteen minutes before we were supposed to leave for Grainau. Daddy said, “Wait here, Mia. I’ll be right back.” He went over to a cluster of men standing by the nearest scoutship.
I stood there in a great entranceway carved in the rock, feeling just a little abandoned. Daddy had brought me here, and now he was just going off and leaving me. I was nervous and scared. If I could legitimately have gone back home and crawled in bed, I would have — and not gotten up again for two days, either. If I could have done it without losing face. Unfortunately, it was now harder to back out than to go on, so I was going on, carried by the momentum of my Sunday night decision.
It was the first time I’d ever been in the scout bay. Hesitantly, I looked around. The rock roof arched over the long single line of ships, all squatting over their tubes, waiting for the catch bars that ringed their rims to be released so they could drop out of sight. Scoutships are used for any errands planetside where the Ship can’t go itself because of its size. These include delivering and picking up traded items, tooting off on joyrides, carrying diplomatic missions like ours, and dropping kids on Trial. The scoutships are pigeons that nest in a cote that hoves between the stars, and some are out and away at almost any time. To keep my mind off my unhappy stomach, which was growling sourly, I counted the ships that were home, and there were a dozen. The ships are disc-shaped, with bulges top and bottom in the center. Each of them had at least one of its four ramps lowered.
In a moment, Daddy came back with one of the men he’d been speaking with — a young giant. He was at least a foot taller than Daddy. He was very ugly, unpleasantlooking and formidable. I don’t think I’d have cared to meet him at any time.
“This is George Fuhonin,” Daddy said. “He’s going to be our pilot.”
I didn’t say anything, just looked at him. Daddy prodded me. “Hello,” I said in a small, distant voice.
“Hello,” he said, in a voice I’d have to call a bass growl. It was deep and it rumbled. “Your father tells me that this is going to be your first trip outside the Ship.”
I looked at Daddy out of the corner of my eye, and then I looked up at the big, ugly man. I nodded warily, the least little dip. He scared me.
“Would you like to take a look around the scout before we take off?” he asked. “As your pilot and your father’s regular chauffeur, I guarantee I’ll leave out nothing.”
I wanted to say a definite no, and was just about to when Daddy pushed me forward and said, “Go ahead and enjoy yourself, Mia.” He motioned toward the other men. “I’ve got some things to settle before we leave.”
So this man, this monster, George Whatever-His-Name-Was, and I walked up the scoutship ramp, me feeling totally betrayed. I sometimes think that parents enjoy putting their children in uncomfortable situations, maybe as a way of getting back without admitting it. I don’t say that is what Daddy was doing, but I certainly thought so at the time.
The top of my head came to about the bottom of this George’s ribcage, and he was so big that one of his steps was worth two and a half of mine, so that even when he was walking slowly that half-step kept me either ahead or behind him. If I’d been feeling better, it would have seemed like playing tag around a dinosaur. As it was, I’d just have enjoyed a hole to hide in. Black, deep, and secret.
The main part of the scoutship was at the level we entered. In the center, surrounded by a circular separating partition about four feet high, were lounge beds with sides that stuck up a foot or more like a baby’s bed, comfortable chairs, magnetized straight chairs that could be moved, and two tables. In the exact center was a spiral stairway that led both up and down. Around the edge of the ship were storerooms, racks, a kitchen, a toilet, and a number of horse stalls with straw-covered floors. Two horses were being led into place as we came up the ramp and into the ship.
The monster said, “Those are for your father and his assistant after we land.”
I didn’t say anything. I just looked stonily around.
When the colonies were settled, they took horses to work and ride, because tractors and heli-pacs have such a low reproductive rate. There weren’t any opportunities to set up industries on the colonies, simply time enough to drop people and enough supplies to give them a fair chance to survive. Then the Ships would head back to Earth for another load and another destination. Those supplies included very little in the way of machines because machines wear out in a few years. They did include horses. Nowadays when we land on a planet where they haven’t made any progress in the last 170 years, we ride horseback, too.
At that time, of course, I hadn’t learned to ride yet and I was a little shy of horses. When one was led past me and wrinkled its lips and snorted, I jumped back.
I noticed the toilet then. We were only a few feet away from it. I looked up at the giant and said, “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Before he could say anything, I was inside with the door locked. Escaped, for the moment. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom at all. I just wanted to be left alone.