The man said, “Give me some of your food and I will tell you just what I told that other young fellow.”
So Sam gave him food and when the hungry man was done eating, he said, “The answer is that I don’t know. I don’t have any truck with ogres. I -just mind my own business.”
Sam went on down the road with his pack a little lighter than before. He walked a long time, day and night, and never saw his brother. Then he came on a little castle in which lived a princess — well, perhaps not a princess as most people reckon it, but since she lived there alone there wasn’t a single person to say she wasn’t. That is how royal families are founded.
This little castle was being besieged by a very rude and unpleasant giant. As a passing courtesy, Sam drew his sword and slew the giant, lopping off his great hairy head. The princess, and pretty indeed she was, came out of her castle and thanked him.
“It was very nice of you,” said she, “but I’m afraid that the giant here,” and she nudged his head with the toe of her dainty slipper, “has seven brothers and the whole lot take turns besieging my castle. This will no doubt make them a bit angry. I used to have a charm that kept my land protected from all such creatures, but alas no longer. A young man with a red cap came whistling down the road last week looking for an ogre and he was so sweet and charming that I gave him the charm to protect himself with and keep him from harm, and ever since these horrid giants have been attacking my castle.”
“Well, why don’t you move?” said Sam. “There aren’t any giants where I live, though we do have a dragon or two, and we have some very nice castles looking to be bought.”
The princess said that sounded like a very nice idea,. and she just might take his advice.
“By the way,” said Sam, “do you know, by chance, where I can find the ogre you were speaking of just a minute ago?”
“Oh, certainly,” she said. “It’s not far at all. Just follow your nose for three days and nights and you’ll be there.”
Sam thanked her, slew a second giant come to look for his brother, and went on his way. He followed his nose, and after three days and nights it told him that he had found the ogre’s cave. He knocked politely and the ogre came out. The cave was a bit small for him. He was covered with hair, and he had three red eyes and two great yellow fangs. Other’ than his appearance, he seemed friendly enough.
Sam drew his sword and said, “Excuse me, but I’ve come for your treasure.”
“Well, if you can tell me a riddle I can’t guess,” said the ogre, “I’ll give all I have to you. But if I do answer it, I want your money and all that you have.”
Sam agreed. It is common knowledge that ogres are not bright as a rule, and Sam knew some very hard riddles indeed.
He thought, he did, and finally he said, “What is it that is not, and never will be?”
The ogre turned the question over in his mind. Then he sat down to really think about it. For three whole days and three whole nights they sat there, and nobody thought it odd of them because nobody lived nearby. The ogre tried a dozen answers one by one, but each time Sam said, “I’m sorry, but that’s not it.”
Finally, the ogre said, “I can’t think of any more answers. You win. But don’t tell me the answer. Write it on a piece of paper. I can think about it after you’re gone.”
So Sam wrote his answer down on a piece of paper and gave it to the ogre. Then he said, “And now, could I trouble you for your treasure?”
The ogre said, “You won all that I have fair and square. Just a minute.” He went inside the cave and in just a moment he was back with a single brass farthing. “I’m sorry, but that’s all there is. There used to be more, but I gave it all to a nice young man who was here just a week ago. I had to start all over again after he left, and now that you’ve beaten me, I’ll have to start even another time.”
Because he knew his brother well, Sam asked disbelievingly, “This young fellow didn’t ask you any riddles you couldn’t answer, did he?”
The ogre drew himself up and said in a wounded tone, “Of course not. But he was such a nice young fellow that I couldn’t bear to let him go away emptyhanded.”
Well, that left Sam with something of a problem. He’d beaten the ogre and won his treasure, but nobody was likely to take a single brass farthing as proof of that. So he thought for a minute, and then he said, “And how do you find your cave for size, my friend?”
“Cramped,” said the ogre. “But good caves are hard to find.”
“And do you have much company here?”
“No,” said the ogre. “I think on my riddles to pass the time.”
“Well,” said Sam, “how would you like to come along home with me? When I’m king at home I can provide you with a fine large cave and pleasant neighbors, and send people with riddles to you from time to time. How about that?”
The ogre could hardly turn an offer like that down, so he agreed readily and they set out together. When they got near home, it was apparent to Sam that a celebration was going on in the kingdom.
He said to his ogre friend, “How would you like to go to a party?”
“Oh, fine,” said the ogre. “I’m sure I’d like a party, though I’ve never been to one.”
“Well, I’ll go in first, and then I’ll come out for you in a minute,” said Sam.
He went inside to find that there was a double celebration in progress. His brother Ned was about to be crowned king and to marry the sweet princess that Sam had sent home. Sam thought that was most unkind.
“Stop the wedding,” said Sam. They stopped the wedding and looked around at him. He said, “I succeeded at the Quest, and I claim the right to be king.”
Everybody laughed at him. They said, “Charming Ned brought home the ogre’s treasure. What did you bring?”
Sam showed them his single brass farthing. “I brought this,” he said and they all laughed the more. “And I brought one more thing,” he said, and threw open the doors. In walked the ogre, looking for the party he’d been promised.
Sam explained to the ogre that the party would begin straight away the moment he became king. Since the ogre was standing in the only doorway, Sam was made king in no time at all.
Well, after that, Sam set the ogre up in a cave of his very own, and after the neighbors found he wasn’t a bad sort he got on quite welL The ogre became a regular tourist attraction, one of the finest in the kingdom, and brought in a nice regular bit of revenue. Sam opened a charm school with his brother Ned in charge, and that brought in even more money. Sam married the princess himself and everybody lived quite happily from then on. If they haven’t moved away, and I don’t know why they would, they’ll be living there still.
Oh, yes. It took the ogre a full ten years to decide he couldn’t answer Sam’s riddle. Every week he would bundle the answers he’d thought of together and send them to Sam and Sam would send them back. Finally the ogre decided he would never find the right answer to the question, “What is it that is not and never will be?” He opened the paper Sam had given him so long before and took a look. The answer was, “A mouse’s nest in a cat’s ear.” (And that, my little friend, is the only real, true answer there is.)
“Oh, hell,” said the ogre. “I was just about to guess that.”
“There’s a moral, too,” George said. “My mother told it to me and I’ll tell it to you: If you’re bright and use your head, you’ll never go too far wrong. Just keep it in mind, and you’ll get along.”
Right after that, we reached the atmosphere of Grainau. George was busy with his buttons. I was thinking that he meant well enough and I was feeling a bit more friendly toward him.
I had gathered that entering a planet’s atmosphere was a tricky business, but George didn’t seem particularly concerned. The main problem was the same as when leaving the Ship: to strike a balance between one gravity field and the other, so that the people aboard were not plastered against ,the floor or left suddenly without any feeling of weight at all. Besides that, he had to take us to the point on the planet to which we were going, and how he did that, I couldn’t tell. Apparently he got bearings from his instruments. The dials and meters said incomprehensible things to me, but by some strange gift of tongues, he understood them. He switched on the vision screens and they showed nothing but a billowy gray blankness beneath us. Without any coaxing from George, the dome above our heads became first translucent and then gradually transparent, our interior lights fading in correspondence to the increasing light from outside.