I stared at him. I felt suddenly happy. To get away ... to forget for a while ... to travel. I had always wanted to see something of the world, to visit those countries which had hitherto been only a blob of pale green or brown on our maps...
Then I thought of Granny M. I looked at her. Her face expressed nothing.
"It would be pleasant for Grace ... and for my father and me, of course. I think that if you agreed to go that would decide Grace's fate. She is very eager to hear your answer." He turned to Granny M. "You would miss Annalice very much, I know. My mother said, why don't you go and stay with them. She says it would be lovely for her to have you there. You know how she is with her garden and her recipes. She wants someone to talk to about them. She says none of us is interested."
There was silence. I dared not look at Granny M. I knew I was betraying my feelings.
"I doubt I could go away for a whole month," she said. "There is the business."
"We are leaving ours in the hands of managers," said Raymond. "Your Benjamin Darkin seems an absolute gem. I wish he were working for us. Sometimes I feel inclined to steal him."
Granny M said slowly: "I think it would be good for Annalice."
I went over to her and kissed her. I couldn't help it. "You are so good," I said. "So very good ..."
"Nonsense," she said. "Gadding about on the Continent. I don't know whether it's right for a young girl."
"I should be in good hands," I said.
Granny M said: "Go and sit down, Annalice. What will Raymond think of us?"
I could see that her eyes were too bright. She was afraid she would shed a tear. I wanted to say: "Shed them, Granny. I love you for shedding them."
There was something very calm about Raymond. He met every situation with a complete lack of surprise.
"My father has travelled extensively," he said, as though our emotional scene had not taken place. "He's always felt that it is a necessary part of business. Is it settled then? May I relieve Grace's anxiety? May I tell her that she is to have Annalice's company on the trip?"
"I suppose so," said Granny M. "But we've not had much time to think about it. What do you feel, Annalice?"
"If you could do without me for a month ..."
"What do you mean—do without you? I can manage on my own, I assure you."
"I know that, Granny. But I should worry about you."
"Why? I shall go to Buckinghamshire as I have been so kindly asked. I am sure I shall be very happy there ..."
Raymond said: "I am going home tomorrow to tell them the good news. You will enjoy it so much, Annalice. Why don't you both come down next weekend and we will make plans."
So we decided to do that.
I was so excited at the prospect that my fears for Philip faded into the background. They would not disappear completely but the best way of preventing perpetual preoccupation with them was for something like this to happen.
We were leaving in the middle of March and would be back in April. There were conferences between the two families and I came to the conclusion that Granny M was as excited about the coming trip as I was. She knew that it was the best way of taking us out of our despondency and with her inherent common sense she knew we were doing no good at all by giving way to that.
I was determined that something was going to be done about Philip. More and more I thought of going out to look for him. I would start in Sydney. Someone must know something. But how could I ever get there? A woman alone! Even this trip to the Continent had to be in the company of the Billingtons.
Raymond and I went riding one morning. I felt so much better since we had been making plans for the trip and that must be obvious.
I could talk to Raymond freely about what was on my mind and I said: "I wonder if I shall ever be able to go out and look for Philip."
"You don't think he's gone native, do you? Perhaps he has married out there and decided he can't come home."
"You never knew Philip. He would realize how worried we would be. Whatever he had done he would tell us... me at any rate."
"I believe you are still dreaming of going out to look for him."
"He said in his letter that there were some islands off the coast of Australia and that there was a ship that went out to them every Wednesday. He must have taken that ship. I would like to go to Australia, get on that ship and go to the islands. I have a feeling that I might discover something there."
Raymond was looking at me intently.
I said: "I believe you think I ought to go. You don't regard this as an impossible dream."
"No, I don't regard it as impossible, and I know you will never be at peace until you have discovered where your brother is and why there has been this long silence. I want you to be at peace. I don't think you will be happy until you know. I want you to be happy. I want you to marry me."
"Oh, Raymond, I can't tell you how happy you make me. Everything has been different since we met. And now this trip. I do believe you thought of the idea of taking Grace so that you could ask me."
He smiled. "You need to get away. You need to stop brooding. You can do no good by that."
"I know. But how can I stop it?"
"By breaking away from routine ... by making a new life. Whatever has happened to your brother, you cannot change it by fretting."
"That's why I can't sit at home thinking about it. You see we were such friends, closer than most brothers and sisters. It was probably due to the fact that our mother died. I never knew her, and he did. He remembered. Children of five do. And then there was the War of the Grannies. They both wanted us you see, my father's mother and my mother's mother. For some time Philip did not know what was to become of us. That has an effect. He thought he might be parted from me, and although I was too young to know of this, when he told me I felt all the horrors of it. There was a special bond between us. I know as sure as anything that if he were alive he would find some means of telling me. Yes, I must find him. I cannot settle to anything until I do."
"You'll have to go out there, I can see that."
"How?"
"As I said nothing is impossible."
"Granny ..."
"Is getting old. She is lonely. She needs her grandchildren round her. But you are not the only one."
"No. There is Philip."
"I wasn't thinking of Philip."
"What do you mean?"
"Our first call will be Holland. We shall visit Amsterdam. I am going to suggest that you write to your father and tell him of your pending visit. Tell him you will come to stay. Get to know your half brothers and sister. Perhaps you could bring them back to England. Perhaps one of the grandchildren could become the compensation your grandmother needs. Perhaps you could have your freedom that way. After all if Philip does not return, one of those boys will inherit the Manor and the business, I presume. He should know something about them."
I stared at him. "Raymond, you're devious," I said. "I would never have believed you could make such machiavellian plans."
"People do all sorts of things when they are in love," he replied.
I wrote to my father and his reply was immediate. He was delighted. His wife, Margareta, his sons Jan and Charles and his little Wilhelmina were all overjoyed at the prospect of seeing me.
I showed the letter to Granny M.
"H'm," she said, sniffing: but I believe she was pleased.
Raymond was delighted.
He said: "It might be desirable for you to spend a month with them."
"A month! But I am so looking forward to France and Germany ..."
"I thought you would want to look farther ahead than that."
I smiled at him and thought: I love you, Raymond Billington. Why do I hesitate? Perhaps when we are away...
But I went up to the room and sat there in solitude. It seemed very quiet, only the sound of the wind in the yew outside the window.