I looked at the bed, the chest of drawers in which I had found the journal... expecting, as I always did in this room, to receive some sign, perhaps to hear Ann Alice's voice coming to me over the years.
Nothing. I even found my thoughts straying to what I must pack; and I realized then that I had not had my nightmare since Raymond had suggested I should accompany him and his family on their trip to the Continent.
I was charmed by Amsterdam from the moment I saw it. I could not believe that there was another city like it in the world. I was sure of that even at this stage when I had seen few cities, and now when I have travelled farther afield, I still believe it.
There it stands on the dam or dike of the Amstel, on the arm of the Zuider Zee—divided by the river and the canals into nearly a hundred small islands connected by three hundred bridges.
My father's house was large and imposing and situated in Prinszen Gracht where, with Kaizers and Heeren Grachts, most of the big houses were. There was about it an atmosphere which was decidedly Dutch; the steps from the front door to the street went up at right angles with a railing of highly polished brass; the gables at each end of the house were highly ornamental, and inside the house there was an air of spaciousness, but what struck me most was the polished brightness of everything. Cleanliness was the most striking feature of the place. The passages were marble and the walls tiled in delicate blues and whites. I presumed these were used so that they could be easily cleaned; the doors were elaborately carved; the windows were large and at these, mirrors had been placed so that what was going on in the streets could be easily observed. The furniture was far plainer than ours at home.
It might appear that there would be a feeling of coldness or austerity in such a house. This was not so; and the warmth of my welcome was instant.
My father embraced me and within seconds I knew that I had been right to come here. I liked my stepmother immediately. She was plump with a round face and a dazzlingly clear skin and light blue bright eyes. She was a little nervous at first, which I suppose was natural. I took her hands and kissed her. She flushed a little and looked so pleased that I knew I was going to like her. For a few seconds there flashed into my mind a scene from Ann Alice's journal when she had known Lois Gilmour was to be her stepmother. How strange that we both had stepmothers! But the resemblance between Margareta and Lois Gilmour ended there. I must not think continually of what happened to Ann Alice and compare my own life with hers.
I was introduced to my half brothers and sister.
What excitement to be presented with a ready-made family. My first thought was: How foolish we were not to have met years ago! And then how grateful I was to Raymond for having suggested that we should meet.
There was Jan aged fifteen, Charles aged twelve and Wilhelmina nine.
The children clustered round me and Jan said he thought it was the most wonderful thing imaginable to have a big sister whom he had never seen before. They spoke fluent English, although a certain amount of Dutch was used in the household, so that all the children were bilingual and there was no language problem.
I liked them all very much and was thrilled to discover how pleased they were to see me. I was particularly taken by the eldest, Jan, because he reminded me of Philip. He might have been Philip at fifteen and I felt very emotional when he talked to me and called me Sister.
My father understood and I realized how deeply he regretted that Philip and I had spent our childhoods away from him.
They were very hospitable to the Billingtons and my father expressed his gratitude to them for including me in the trip to the Continent. I was to stay in the house in Prinszen Gracht, and Grace was invited to stay with me. The men would be in a nearby hotel during their stay in Amsterdam.
It was amazing how quickly we all came to know each other. Jan became my shadow. He wanted to show me everything. He came with us on our tours round the city and he thoroughly enjoyed being our guide. Proudly he showed us the landmarks of the city, taking us to the high bridge where the River Amstel enters the city, driving us through the grachts and showing us the fine houses, and taking us round the ramparts where we could see the windmills which were now used for grinding corn.
The Billingtons had arranged to stay only a week in Holland and although I longed to see other countries, I should be loth to leave my newly found family. I had several talks with Raymond about it.
He said: "You are so much at home with them. You are forging a link. If you go away now you will drift along more or less as before. You may be in communication. That much will have changed, but it is not what we had in mind."
"You think I should stay with them the whole month?"
He nodded, rather gloomily. "It seems to me that is the answer. You must make them feel that you want to be with them more than anything else. They must feel that they are indeed your family. You and Jan get on well together. There seems a very special feeling between you two. I think it would be a good idea ... if this is possible ... for you to take him back to England with you."
"Do you think they would let him go?"
"I don't know, but I don't see why not. Suppose he wants to. Why should he not visit his grandmother?" He gripped my hands. "Plans are beginning to mature. You want to set out on an adventure which means so much to you. When you have found the answer you seek, you and I will be married. But I know you well enough to understand that you will never settle to happiness until you have discovered what
happened to your brother. I could say, Marry me and I will take you out there. That would be like a bribe, and much as I am tempted to, I don't want it that way. Moreover it would be very difficult for me to leave my father and the business for so long. It would be a great burden for them. But I suppose it could be done... as most things can if one makes up one's mind to it. No, it is because I want you to marry me for the right reason ... Am I expressing myself badly?"
"No," I said. "It is very clear. You are a very rare person, Raymond."
"Does that mean you like me a little?"
"Not a little. A lot. Sometimes I think I am foolish not to jump at the chance of marrying you. Thank you ... thank you for your help. You think I might be able to persuade them to let Jan come back with me to England. You think Granny would love him. I am sure you are right about that. And in your heart you think that Philip is never coming back and that Jan is going to take his place not only with my grandmother and me, but as heir to the house and everything."
"I'm afraid I am trying to work it out too neatly and life doesn't often oblige us so precisely, but yes... I was thinking along those lines, and even if you had to abandon your dream—which, forgive me, is a little wild—of going out to search for your brother, I am sure that Jan could help you a great deal, not to forget... but to mourn your brother less."
I said: "Grace would not want to stay in Amsterdam."
"I don't know how she would feel."
"I shall envy you travelling all over Europe."
"You can't decide anything yet. Wait a few days and see how everything turns out."
I did have a talk with my father. I somehow felt he had been waiting for this.
It was after dinner one night. The children had gone to bed; Margareta was busy somewhere and I found myself alone with him.
He spoke very earnestly and was eager to explain his neglect of the past years.
"I always wanted to see you and Philip. I thought about you a great deal. But your grandmother is a somewhat formidable lady. She was furious when she knew I was going to marry again and live in Holland."
I smiled. "That was largely because you deserted maps for export."
"Margareta wanted to live in her native land with her own family. I would have had you children here. But your grandmother was fiercely against that. She said on no account were you coming here. I